It’s been a while. I’ve been crazy busy with excessive drinking and relaxing on my break from school :) been nice. Before the break there was something I had been meaning to write about, so I shall get to it.
In the last couple weeks at school I ran into Luke a few times and every time I did it felt like no time had past since he left and broke my heart. The (now almost exactly) year that had passed by and everything and everyone that had been a part of my heart since then, were erased. Just seeing his face; his eyes, it threw my stomach out the window and made all the blood rush from my head. Pretty much thought I’d faint, puke, and break out into tears all at once. And this happens every time I see him.
This got me to thinking. Does heartbreak really ever get any easier? I mean, a year, and another love later I’m still a bleeding mess over Luke. Why can’t time just take all the feelings away? Why can’t I feel like a strong person when I see him or think about him? I mean 95% of the time I’m good. Actually since breaking up with Aaron and truly being single, lately I’ve been great. But still, when if comes to Luke I just can’t escape the heartbreak.
Since seeing him those few times, I’ve put some thought into this and I’ve decided that heartbreak never does go away. I look at the people I knew and the people I know, and though most of my friends have never have suffered love lost, the ones I do know that have, are most certainly not over it. They still get the aching sometimes. Across the board, however, it is made easier by distance from the person they miss. I suppose I am unlucky (or just stupid) for having Luke go to a relatively small school with me, not to mention that we have a very nice venn diagram of friends going, so I see him from time to time. I think time to time is just enough to make it impossible to really have him out of my head.
So if you are never cured of heartbreak, then what? I think the only thing is time space and someone else. Like they say, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. In the case of love this isn’t completely accurate, but what I’m getting at is not healing yourself through a quick, random fuck (tried it, does NOT help), but an actual successful relationship. I think it’s important to italicize successful, because my extremely problematic and unsuccessful relationship with Aaron was not the answer to forgetting Luke. However, as I have not as yet had a successful relationship post-Luke I can’t really be sure of this theory.
One thing I hear a lot of people talk about after a break up is ‘closure’. It might literally be one of my least favorite words in the english language. Closure. Fucking stupid is what it is. The idea of closure gives people this false sense that if just one more thing could happen between themselves and the person who dumped them, then they would feel better. No. No, no, no, no, fucking no. Closure is a load of shit invented to give people hope and make them feel better. Very misleading. In all my loves, my breakups, my friends’ loves and breakups, and my own personal heartbreak I have only learned one thing that I am capital S, Sure of. That thing is that closure does not exist. I have been asked for closure by Aaron, and by Matt, and when we talk and they try to find it, there’s nothing. The conversation spirals in circles, and nothing is accomplished. At the end of it, we’re still not together, and someone is still more hurt than the other.
I went searching for closure with Luke. I didn’t really know I was doing it when I did it, but hell yea i was. I sent him a letter on Valentines day of last year telling him that he broke my heart and asking why I deserved that, bitching him out for not loving me like he promised he would. I got back a shit one paragraph response that only made me feel worse. Likewise a month ago when I saw him at a party and decided I needed to ask one more time, for my sanity, why did he break up with me. Again I got nothing and it made me feel worse.
If heartbreak never really goes away then closure isn’t really real. There is nothing you can find that will make that break, that cut, that scab, that scar, on your heart disappear. It will fade with time and new loves and growth, but it will always be there, it is a part of you. That is what I have learned, if nothing else, from my year of heartbreak.
Today's title brought to you by: One of Those Days - Joshua Radin
Friday, 30 December 2011
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
It’s officially been 2 weeks since I last saw Aaron. After what happened on Wednesday we had several long fights online. I’ve posted some of one here.
dont i deserve a little more than that? some sort of explanation, some sort of reason why over the course of something i did not do, somehow I still get messed up you being able to say that your friends are getting"punished" as I am.
aaron youre going to reason around all of my arguments till it makes sense in the way you need it to ive explained to you how i feel several times and no matter how i say it you dont believe me or think im twisting things so im very tired of trying to find the right way to tell you that we are no longer a functional pair, dating or just friends
over the internet though.. you cant give me more than that ?
i have and no im not going to anymore. i know that might not be fair but ive made up my mind. us talking in person will do nothing for this situation
why are you being so God damn heartless? I dont want you back . I couldnt. You're something else now. but I still want you to have the morality to be able to prove your point some how you cant just go around saying and thinking outlandish things without someone questioning what you mean and where's your proof
yes aaron and you have questioned me time and time again so dont worry my 'outlandish' statements are being checked
just remember that it wasnt "working" because you would never take responsibility... it wasnt any different than us dating because you made it that way. the night when the boys came over you really wanted to come over, i never dragged you to. and you didnt, everything was good. we were friends and for once, we didnt spend the entire weekend together and things were looking better. butttt then you some how forget all these things about how maybe I was trying to be just a "friend" or whatever to make it easier. But, you didnt want to see any of that or change any part of your life.
sure, i hope that knowing i fucked up our whole relationship makes you feel better
Noo no, I never said that. Im saying that you'll look at what i did and give me whatever value of me fucking up.. but then you'll look at anything you did and not account for any of it. and you have no one to actually show you that maybe you and I wasnt so bad IF you actually made some real changes to your life and didnt break your own rules
what you dont seem to understand is that im not attacking what you have or havent done im telling you that everything we both have or havent done have culminated in this and yea a lot of it was my fault
What about me makes me so expendable when "life is good" finally. I was there for you to make your life good but get no recognition for any sort of benefit I may have been to you. And then when your life is good and something bad comes about, im looked at as the first and only reason as to why it is bad. Think if we never talked and never had this summer, would you be as happy and confident and comfortable with yourself as you are with me?
but its like i said before, i think its reasonable to say that maybe i cant handle both a relationship and a functional fourth year of university yes, aaron you were amazing support this summer, but any changes i made were within myself, as you have been first row to see with or without you i had to deal with getting over luke on my own time and likewise with the other problems i had
but why am i the first thing to get axed? not any of your friends? Not a friend who punched someone you're supposedly cared for. Why am I the one getting fucked over then?
because my friends do not create the drama and disfunction in my life that our relationship does.
But thats just it, you think of me as only some sort of support. Like wearing a brace until your leg heals up i can just be tossed to the side. i dont agree... ever since we "stopped dating" i would say that the drama that kaitlyn caused on thursday night is 23809537589q7325897 more than I have done seriously? that wasnt drama to you? that was completely justifiable and beneficial to your friendship well, it must be because now you two will be stronger than ever and I, the one who did NOTHING wrong that night gets left with nothing
christ stop being such a victim aaron. what happened on thursday actually very much affected my relationship with kaitlyn believe it or not (im guessing you wont) and you didnt cause the drama on thursday and it wasnt your fault and i dont hold you responsible
I was a great support for you in the summer. I havent heard just a cold-hearted line from you, ever i think. I really thought I, and we were more than just emotional support for one another. If that's what you wanted you should have just stayed at home and cried to your dogs or bought a blanket. I offered so much more than that and made you feel better than you've ever felt.
how many times did i cry to you this summer? once? twice? you were support but it was always more than that. i didnt need your support, i wanted your love and company, thats why we were together. dont go acting like this never meant anything to me. thats fucking ridiculous and deep down you know it
i wanted your love and company. fuck off that sounds more and more like a dog. it must not mean that much because you consistently try to justify that you've wanted it to work any way it could but it just hasnt. LIE. if you wanted it to work you would have actually made a conscious effort to change anything. or come to me and straight up talk to me about it before letting something get to you until you cant handle it anymore how am i supposed to ever believe that you loved me anywhere near as much as I as when I fought for this relationship on things that should break us up, and you wouldnt fight for anything after the smallest disagreements or you use those small disagreements as some sort of jump off point to '"upocoming fights". I really wished you had the respect for me to actually say this in person. Do you just drop me whenever you want because you know just how right we are for each other so you just bank us getting back together when things are right? Apparently 10 years from now.... So what now? Glare at you if I see you downtown?
whatever you want aaron. i dont have any thoughts of a future for us any more.
when did that come to you?
when i realized that we are very ill suited for each other in too many ways to create a solid long term relationship
see, how ill-suited are we? sure, maybe in university but you wait, how many people will you find that you get along with as much as me?
i dont know but its not worth all the bad aaron, im sorry. and dont think that this doesnt hurt me too, because i know how special we are, but our bad times are worse than any bad ive had with anyone who ive been in a serious relationship with and i dont just mean dating, i mean friends too
you said that you dont think its worth all the bad? whats all this bad? if we take out school stress and everything related to being in uni, whats left?
its the little arguments, the snide remarks, the tone you take with me sometimes, the way we argue, how defensive i am and aggressive you are. we dont work well enough together to make this a successful relationship
why am i the fuckin anti-christ right now? no credit given, only owed it seems
RIDICULOUS. im not telling you that everything is your fault. you need to stop thinking that when i say, our relationship is dysfunctional, it translates to, you ruined anything we ever had and you are evil.
what are you hoping to get out of this? im not going to agree with you and youre not going to see where im coming from and in the end we're still not going to be together
No no, Im just not following any logic of yours. i need you to break it down for me. More bad than good? HAHAHA laughable.
great as long as youre laughing. i need to go now. there is nothing left for me to say to you
As you can see our fights are pretty venomous. There was one more message that he sent me after I deleted him off facebook. He asked to talk in person for closure, I told him only if he had some very concise things to say to me, not ask, because I didnt want to have to keep trying to explain things to him anymore. he never sent a message back and that was the last time we talked. I’m sad because he was important to me and as with every break up there are always times where I wish I could see him or lay in bed with him or tell him a funny story that happened to me, but such is life. I’ve been trying to focus on school and get back to the gym. That’s been working out for me pretty well. For all and any of you that are students I’m sure that you understand when I say group projects are the worst thing ever. My friend sent me a funny picture about them that I will share with you.
...Heheh
Went out last night and met maybe the cutest boy ever. Adam the dj. sexysexysexy. He’s all soft spoken and funny. My fav. When I met him I was told that he was hooking up with one of Kaitlyn’s friends so I tried to keep my distance, but later in the night was informed that they are no longer a thing. Unfortunately Adam had left by then, so I will have to wait until next time.
This week I ran into Luke at the library. It was the strangest thing, I had this feeling that he was walking behind me and I turned to look and it wasn’t him. I couldn’t help feeling like I was going to see him though, and next thing I know we’re standing face to face staring at each other. He didn’t have the balls to say anything to me and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve thought about it quite a bit since and have decided that if and when I see him again I just want to be the bigger person and tell him we’re cool. I hate the awkwardness, it lingers negatively longer than just sucking it up and smiling would have. Anyways, that’s all for now folks.
Today's title brought to you by: Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart (lovelovelove this band! just discovered them)
dont i deserve a little more than that? some sort of explanation, some sort of reason why over the course of something i did not do, somehow I still get messed up you being able to say that your friends are getting"punished" as I am.
aaron youre going to reason around all of my arguments till it makes sense in the way you need it to ive explained to you how i feel several times and no matter how i say it you dont believe me or think im twisting things so im very tired of trying to find the right way to tell you that we are no longer a functional pair, dating or just friends
over the internet though.. you cant give me more than that ?
i have and no im not going to anymore. i know that might not be fair but ive made up my mind. us talking in person will do nothing for this situation
why are you being so God damn heartless? I dont want you back . I couldnt. You're something else now. but I still want you to have the morality to be able to prove your point some how you cant just go around saying and thinking outlandish things without someone questioning what you mean and where's your proof
yes aaron and you have questioned me time and time again so dont worry my 'outlandish' statements are being checked
just remember that it wasnt "working" because you would never take responsibility... it wasnt any different than us dating because you made it that way. the night when the boys came over you really wanted to come over, i never dragged you to. and you didnt, everything was good. we were friends and for once, we didnt spend the entire weekend together and things were looking better. butttt then you some how forget all these things about how maybe I was trying to be just a "friend" or whatever to make it easier. But, you didnt want to see any of that or change any part of your life.
sure, i hope that knowing i fucked up our whole relationship makes you feel better
Noo no, I never said that. Im saying that you'll look at what i did and give me whatever value of me fucking up.. but then you'll look at anything you did and not account for any of it. and you have no one to actually show you that maybe you and I wasnt so bad IF you actually made some real changes to your life and didnt break your own rules
what you dont seem to understand is that im not attacking what you have or havent done im telling you that everything we both have or havent done have culminated in this and yea a lot of it was my fault
What about me makes me so expendable when "life is good" finally. I was there for you to make your life good but get no recognition for any sort of benefit I may have been to you. And then when your life is good and something bad comes about, im looked at as the first and only reason as to why it is bad. Think if we never talked and never had this summer, would you be as happy and confident and comfortable with yourself as you are with me?
but its like i said before, i think its reasonable to say that maybe i cant handle both a relationship and a functional fourth year of university yes, aaron you were amazing support this summer, but any changes i made were within myself, as you have been first row to see with or without you i had to deal with getting over luke on my own time and likewise with the other problems i had
but why am i the first thing to get axed? not any of your friends? Not a friend who punched someone you're supposedly cared for. Why am I the one getting fucked over then?
because my friends do not create the drama and disfunction in my life that our relationship does.
But thats just it, you think of me as only some sort of support. Like wearing a brace until your leg heals up i can just be tossed to the side. i dont agree... ever since we "stopped dating" i would say that the drama that kaitlyn caused on thursday night is 23809537589q7325897 more than I have done seriously? that wasnt drama to you? that was completely justifiable and beneficial to your friendship well, it must be because now you two will be stronger than ever and I, the one who did NOTHING wrong that night gets left with nothing
christ stop being such a victim aaron. what happened on thursday actually very much affected my relationship with kaitlyn believe it or not (im guessing you wont) and you didnt cause the drama on thursday and it wasnt your fault and i dont hold you responsible
I was a great support for you in the summer. I havent heard just a cold-hearted line from you, ever i think. I really thought I, and we were more than just emotional support for one another. If that's what you wanted you should have just stayed at home and cried to your dogs or bought a blanket. I offered so much more than that and made you feel better than you've ever felt.
how many times did i cry to you this summer? once? twice? you were support but it was always more than that. i didnt need your support, i wanted your love and company, thats why we were together. dont go acting like this never meant anything to me. thats fucking ridiculous and deep down you know it
i wanted your love and company. fuck off that sounds more and more like a dog. it must not mean that much because you consistently try to justify that you've wanted it to work any way it could but it just hasnt. LIE. if you wanted it to work you would have actually made a conscious effort to change anything. or come to me and straight up talk to me about it before letting something get to you until you cant handle it anymore how am i supposed to ever believe that you loved me anywhere near as much as I as when I fought for this relationship on things that should break us up, and you wouldnt fight for anything after the smallest disagreements or you use those small disagreements as some sort of jump off point to '"upocoming fights". I really wished you had the respect for me to actually say this in person. Do you just drop me whenever you want because you know just how right we are for each other so you just bank us getting back together when things are right? Apparently 10 years from now.... So what now? Glare at you if I see you downtown?
whatever you want aaron. i dont have any thoughts of a future for us any more.
when did that come to you?
when i realized that we are very ill suited for each other in too many ways to create a solid long term relationship
see, how ill-suited are we? sure, maybe in university but you wait, how many people will you find that you get along with as much as me?
i dont know but its not worth all the bad aaron, im sorry. and dont think that this doesnt hurt me too, because i know how special we are, but our bad times are worse than any bad ive had with anyone who ive been in a serious relationship with and i dont just mean dating, i mean friends too
you said that you dont think its worth all the bad? whats all this bad? if we take out school stress and everything related to being in uni, whats left?
its the little arguments, the snide remarks, the tone you take with me sometimes, the way we argue, how defensive i am and aggressive you are. we dont work well enough together to make this a successful relationship
why am i the fuckin anti-christ right now? no credit given, only owed it seems
RIDICULOUS. im not telling you that everything is your fault. you need to stop thinking that when i say, our relationship is dysfunctional, it translates to, you ruined anything we ever had and you are evil.
what are you hoping to get out of this? im not going to agree with you and youre not going to see where im coming from and in the end we're still not going to be together
No no, Im just not following any logic of yours. i need you to break it down for me. More bad than good? HAHAHA laughable.
great as long as youre laughing. i need to go now. there is nothing left for me to say to you
As you can see our fights are pretty venomous. There was one more message that he sent me after I deleted him off facebook. He asked to talk in person for closure, I told him only if he had some very concise things to say to me, not ask, because I didnt want to have to keep trying to explain things to him anymore. he never sent a message back and that was the last time we talked. I’m sad because he was important to me and as with every break up there are always times where I wish I could see him or lay in bed with him or tell him a funny story that happened to me, but such is life. I’ve been trying to focus on school and get back to the gym. That’s been working out for me pretty well. For all and any of you that are students I’m sure that you understand when I say group projects are the worst thing ever. My friend sent me a funny picture about them that I will share with you.
Went out last night and met maybe the cutest boy ever. Adam the dj. sexysexysexy. He’s all soft spoken and funny. My fav. When I met him I was told that he was hooking up with one of Kaitlyn’s friends so I tried to keep my distance, but later in the night was informed that they are no longer a thing. Unfortunately Adam had left by then, so I will have to wait until next time.
This week I ran into Luke at the library. It was the strangest thing, I had this feeling that he was walking behind me and I turned to look and it wasn’t him. I couldn’t help feeling like I was going to see him though, and next thing I know we’re standing face to face staring at each other. He didn’t have the balls to say anything to me and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve thought about it quite a bit since and have decided that if and when I see him again I just want to be the bigger person and tell him we’re cool. I hate the awkwardness, it lingers negatively longer than just sucking it up and smiling would have. Anyways, that’s all for now folks.
Today's title brought to you by: Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart (lovelovelove this band! just discovered them)
Thursday, 10 November 2011
And he's talkin like he's holdin' a gun in his hand, but there ain't nobody there, it's just him wavin his hands
If I didn’t have a blog I should have a reality tv show.
Last night was the single most fucked up night of my life.
Started innocently enough with a sushi dinner on campus and some reading. Every Wednesday my roommate, Kaitlyn, goes out for staff night. She works at the most popular chain of bars in our University town’s small core. This time I decided it would be fun to tag along. So we hurried home to change and get our stuff together, and went by Aaron’s to have a couple drinks and hang out with him and his roommates. Our night down town was fun. More so than I expected actually. Met some cool people, played some pool, got nice and drunk. Once the night came to an end we decided it would be fun to go by Aaron’s to hit a couple pre-bed bowls.
I honestly don’t know how it started or what it was about. All I know is Aaron and I were yelling at each other, and he said something that made me want to leave.
In the past during break ups and fights when this situation arises Aaron will take something of mine and keep it so that I'm forced to stay (purse, shoes, etc.). Last night he sat on my jacket and refused to give it back. Considering it was a cold, rainy, November night, this was a serious obstacle to my getting home.
Kaitlyn stepped in for me and grabbed the sleeve of my jacket, attempting to pull it away from him. She asked him politely a couple times, “Aaron, give her the jacket, please.”
“Aaron, this is not a joke, give her the jacket!”
“YOU CAN’T TAKE PEOPLE’S PRIVATE PROPERTY, GIVE THE JACKET BACK!!”
And the next thing I know she’s lunging at him, hitting him, punching him in the face. He blocked but never actually tried to fight back. I was in between them try-try-trying to get Kaitlyn to get the fuck out of there and stop. She would have none of it, I got a nice knock to the face myself for getting between them. Still she wouldn’t listen to me.
When she stopped punching, she was screaming at us, telling us how fucked up we both were and that we need to get help and that we’re just fucking ridiculous. I kept trying to calm her down, get her to leave, but she vehemently refused.
Eventually I realized that this wasn’t even my fight anymore, so I left. Jacketless. I waited outside in the cold, disoriented and in shock. I kept expecting Kaitlyn to come out, but she didn’t.
I went back in to try to get her. I waited outside the door for a while, listening to them screaming at each other, Kaitlyn telling him how much he’s hurt me and that he doesn’t understand how much I care about him and what I’ve gone through to keep us together. Aaron’s yelling back about a completely unrelated fight we've had a million times. They go back and forth at each other, not actually conversing, just yelling all the things they wanted the other to hear.
Finally I stepped in, and by that time Kaitlyn had realized what she’d done. She left the apartment to give us a minute.
I didn’t and still don’t know what to say to him. I told him what she did was completely out of line, but he never should have provoked her. He pleaded with me to stay and talk things out, but I was drunk and couldn’t keep track of anything we were talking about for more than a few seconds. I asked him to please give me my jacket back. He refused.
Eventually I said to him, either give me my jacket and I can leave here warm, or don’t and I still leave anyways. He gave it back and I left.
Kaitlyn was hysterically crying, calling anyone she could to try to make sense of what she did.
I’m sure as you’re reading this you’re probably wondering why I have such a nutball for a friend. She’s not crazy. She has had many problems with men and most of them ultimately stem from the fact that her dad was never in her life. He was a semi-famous singer in the 80s and she has about 6 different half-sisters scattered across North America. Kaitlyn also has the body of a plus size model. This is a good thing, but she has struggled with self-image her whole life, and has never had a boy really treat her right, so this plus the daddy issues, alcohol and my crazy “ex” boyfriend = nutball.
I have fierce friends. Kaitlyn is not the first to lose it on Aaron. Two years ago when things were starting up with Luke and all was going to shit with Aaron, one of my best friends, Blaire, ran into him on the sixth floor of our library. Our library is laid out in such a way that the 6th floor over looks the 5th, it’s all open, so if someone drops a pencil on the 6th floor, everyone on the 5th floor knows. I wasn’t there for this particular show down, but apparently Blaire completely lost her shit and screamed at him in front of their 5th and 6th floor library audience. Before storming off she dramatically threw a coffee at him, which spilled all over his exam notes. Yeap.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful to know that my friends love me that much and have my back through anything, but it has been known to end up with me being more screwed than ever.
So what do I do now? I have nooo clue. I sent Aaron a message apologizing. He sent one back saying, ‘now what?’ and I told him I have no idea.
I don’t see how we can move forward from here. If I ever see his roommates again it will be way too soon, and honestly, I don’t think we can recover from this even as friends. I don’t know how it will ultimately end or what he wants to happen, but I know that it can’t ever be the same.
Today's title brought to you by: Jimmie's Song - Emmanuel and the Fear
Last night was the single most fucked up night of my life.
Started innocently enough with a sushi dinner on campus and some reading. Every Wednesday my roommate, Kaitlyn, goes out for staff night. She works at the most popular chain of bars in our University town’s small core. This time I decided it would be fun to tag along. So we hurried home to change and get our stuff together, and went by Aaron’s to have a couple drinks and hang out with him and his roommates. Our night down town was fun. More so than I expected actually. Met some cool people, played some pool, got nice and drunk. Once the night came to an end we decided it would be fun to go by Aaron’s to hit a couple pre-bed bowls.
I honestly don’t know how it started or what it was about. All I know is Aaron and I were yelling at each other, and he said something that made me want to leave.
In the past during break ups and fights when this situation arises Aaron will take something of mine and keep it so that I'm forced to stay (purse, shoes, etc.). Last night he sat on my jacket and refused to give it back. Considering it was a cold, rainy, November night, this was a serious obstacle to my getting home.
Kaitlyn stepped in for me and grabbed the sleeve of my jacket, attempting to pull it away from him. She asked him politely a couple times, “Aaron, give her the jacket, please.”
“Aaron, this is not a joke, give her the jacket!”
“YOU CAN’T TAKE PEOPLE’S PRIVATE PROPERTY, GIVE THE JACKET BACK!!”
And the next thing I know she’s lunging at him, hitting him, punching him in the face. He blocked but never actually tried to fight back. I was in between them try-try-trying to get Kaitlyn to get the fuck out of there and stop. She would have none of it, I got a nice knock to the face myself for getting between them. Still she wouldn’t listen to me.
When she stopped punching, she was screaming at us, telling us how fucked up we both were and that we need to get help and that we’re just fucking ridiculous. I kept trying to calm her down, get her to leave, but she vehemently refused.
Eventually I realized that this wasn’t even my fight anymore, so I left. Jacketless. I waited outside in the cold, disoriented and in shock. I kept expecting Kaitlyn to come out, but she didn’t.
I went back in to try to get her. I waited outside the door for a while, listening to them screaming at each other, Kaitlyn telling him how much he’s hurt me and that he doesn’t understand how much I care about him and what I’ve gone through to keep us together. Aaron’s yelling back about a completely unrelated fight we've had a million times. They go back and forth at each other, not actually conversing, just yelling all the things they wanted the other to hear.
Finally I stepped in, and by that time Kaitlyn had realized what she’d done. She left the apartment to give us a minute.
I didn’t and still don’t know what to say to him. I told him what she did was completely out of line, but he never should have provoked her. He pleaded with me to stay and talk things out, but I was drunk and couldn’t keep track of anything we were talking about for more than a few seconds. I asked him to please give me my jacket back. He refused.
Eventually I said to him, either give me my jacket and I can leave here warm, or don’t and I still leave anyways. He gave it back and I left.
Kaitlyn was hysterically crying, calling anyone she could to try to make sense of what she did.
I’m sure as you’re reading this you’re probably wondering why I have such a nutball for a friend. She’s not crazy. She has had many problems with men and most of them ultimately stem from the fact that her dad was never in her life. He was a semi-famous singer in the 80s and she has about 6 different half-sisters scattered across North America. Kaitlyn also has the body of a plus size model. This is a good thing, but she has struggled with self-image her whole life, and has never had a boy really treat her right, so this plus the daddy issues, alcohol and my crazy “ex” boyfriend = nutball.
I have fierce friends. Kaitlyn is not the first to lose it on Aaron. Two years ago when things were starting up with Luke and all was going to shit with Aaron, one of my best friends, Blaire, ran into him on the sixth floor of our library. Our library is laid out in such a way that the 6th floor over looks the 5th, it’s all open, so if someone drops a pencil on the 6th floor, everyone on the 5th floor knows. I wasn’t there for this particular show down, but apparently Blaire completely lost her shit and screamed at him in front of their 5th and 6th floor library audience. Before storming off she dramatically threw a coffee at him, which spilled all over his exam notes. Yeap.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful to know that my friends love me that much and have my back through anything, but it has been known to end up with me being more screwed than ever.
So what do I do now? I have nooo clue. I sent Aaron a message apologizing. He sent one back saying, ‘now what?’ and I told him I have no idea.
I don’t see how we can move forward from here. If I ever see his roommates again it will be way too soon, and honestly, I don’t think we can recover from this even as friends. I don’t know how it will ultimately end or what he wants to happen, but I know that it can’t ever be the same.
Today's title brought to you by: Jimmie's Song - Emmanuel and the Fear
Friday, 4 November 2011
You said, "Ain't this just like the present to be showin' up like this?" As moon waned to crescent, we started to kiss
I have now officially broken up with Aaron. Even made out with another boy this past weekend. But last night I slept at Aaron’s. And the night before... ah whatthefuck.
It started over salad dressing, if they still keep that spray bottle stuff stocked in the grocery store or if that trend died. I said they didn’t, he thought they did. We jokingly referenced our economics course to offer an explanation for our theories. Then my phone buzzed, he tossed it at me, I checked it. Fight on. It climaxed with a break up, and concluded with a make up.
After that I don’t think I really stayed in it. I was picking fights, couldn’t let go of annoyances. He felt it and reflected it likewise. We were both just grasping at threads and heart strings as we pulled away from each other. My friends told me to leaveleaveleave him. My head told me to leaveleaveleave him. Even the annoying and ever present pull of my heart started to dull. Eventually an argument struck and I ran with it. This time, it’s over. This time, for real.
We didn’t see each other for four days. Seems like the magic number apparently... then we had a talk. He expressed to me why he felt I had let our relationship die. Why it was my fault for not trying harder and that I was completely disregarding our love. I put up walls when people approach me like this. I sat coldly for two hours vaguely debating, but mostly just listening, to him try to find closure in his own words. It never came. I started getting frustrated and he knew I was going to leave, so I told him to get to the point. What did he want from me? Why were we having the same argument we’ve had 100 times?
I want us to be friends.
Friends, he says. Well I know how friends goes. Friends turns to fuck buddies, and fuck buddies aren’t really fuck buddies when they’re in love with each other. They’re two people fucking who are in denial that they can’t just be buddies. I did this game with Matt in highschool, exs can’t be friends right away, if ever.
I know this. But damn is it hard to do. All I want is to be Aaron’s friend, be in his life, have him in mine. But to hear about the fun weekend he had and know that he was meeting girls and doing the exact same thing I was, well that kinda sucks. I don’t know where I thought we were going after spending two nights with him while we were bat-shit crazy for each other. I guess I just needed to see it play out. Why can’t we (just me?) ever learn from mistakes? My heart takes over my body, makes my fingers type, ‘i just really want to see you’, when they should be still. Makes my voice order a cab at 3am when I should be quietly asleep. Makes my brain vehemently deny what I know to be true.
This is what lead me to be in Aaron’s room at 4pm today. This is what allowed me to offer my phone to Aaron so he could call his mom in response to a worrying message she sent him. This is how I was there when Aaron found out his mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore, but I know I have, and want, to be there for him through this. So I guess not a lot has changed, but it’s all different now.
Today's title brought to you by: Blood Bank - Bon Iver
It started over salad dressing, if they still keep that spray bottle stuff stocked in the grocery store or if that trend died. I said they didn’t, he thought they did. We jokingly referenced our economics course to offer an explanation for our theories. Then my phone buzzed, he tossed it at me, I checked it. Fight on. It climaxed with a break up, and concluded with a make up.
After that I don’t think I really stayed in it. I was picking fights, couldn’t let go of annoyances. He felt it and reflected it likewise. We were both just grasping at threads and heart strings as we pulled away from each other. My friends told me to leaveleaveleave him. My head told me to leaveleaveleave him. Even the annoying and ever present pull of my heart started to dull. Eventually an argument struck and I ran with it. This time, it’s over. This time, for real.
We didn’t see each other for four days. Seems like the magic number apparently... then we had a talk. He expressed to me why he felt I had let our relationship die. Why it was my fault for not trying harder and that I was completely disregarding our love. I put up walls when people approach me like this. I sat coldly for two hours vaguely debating, but mostly just listening, to him try to find closure in his own words. It never came. I started getting frustrated and he knew I was going to leave, so I told him to get to the point. What did he want from me? Why were we having the same argument we’ve had 100 times?
I want us to be friends.
Friends, he says. Well I know how friends goes. Friends turns to fuck buddies, and fuck buddies aren’t really fuck buddies when they’re in love with each other. They’re two people fucking who are in denial that they can’t just be buddies. I did this game with Matt in highschool, exs can’t be friends right away, if ever.
I know this. But damn is it hard to do. All I want is to be Aaron’s friend, be in his life, have him in mine. But to hear about the fun weekend he had and know that he was meeting girls and doing the exact same thing I was, well that kinda sucks. I don’t know where I thought we were going after spending two nights with him while we were bat-shit crazy for each other. I guess I just needed to see it play out. Why can’t we (just me?) ever learn from mistakes? My heart takes over my body, makes my fingers type, ‘i just really want to see you’, when they should be still. Makes my voice order a cab at 3am when I should be quietly asleep. Makes my brain vehemently deny what I know to be true.
This is what lead me to be in Aaron’s room at 4pm today. This is what allowed me to offer my phone to Aaron so he could call his mom in response to a worrying message she sent him. This is how I was there when Aaron found out his mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore, but I know I have, and want, to be there for him through this. So I guess not a lot has changed, but it’s all different now.
Today's title brought to you by: Blood Bank - Bon Iver
Sunday, 16 October 2011
I don't know about my love, I don't know about my lovin' any more, All I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin'... might as well fall in
Hello again emptiness.
My love life never ceases to be a source of drama and excitement. Since coming back to school I have had to deal with the re-entrance of Luke into my life. Not to mention into my relationship with Aaron. Luke and I found a place and time to talk when he got back. It started with pleasantries and stupid small talk. Eventually it took a turn for the serious and went something like this:
Luke, “So how was your past semester?”
I roll my eyes and scoff under my breath
Luke, “What?”
Me, “Well it kinda sucked.”
Luke, “Because of me?”
Me, “Well yea kinda... some other stuff too. I duno.”
Luke, “Ahh... well. Sorry. Anyway I kinda have to get going, is there any reason you wanted to talk, ‘cause I don’t have anything to say.”
ouch...I've only been thinking about what you'd say at this moment for 9 months
Me, “Uh, um, yea well you know, I didn’t exactly want us to just run into each other on campus...”
Luke, “Yeah, yeah, of course. Me either.”
sure.
Me, “Yea. And, well, listen. If you want to hang out with my roommates or whatever, just do it at your place, okay? I don’t want you coming around the house.”
Luke, “Oh. Uh, yeah. That’s fair, that’s fair.”
And that was that. There was however a caveat. My wonderful friends had planned a reunion party at our place for the end of that week and they had invited Luke. I was not impressed but in my mind it was done. The events that unfolded over the next two weeks were hellish.
Aaron did not get invited to this party because I wanted to avoid conflict and I was nervous having them around each other. That has created the never ending fight. It’s understandable, I mean I leave Aaron heartbroken only a year and a half earlier after I leave him for Luke and now he’s not getting invited to parties at my house and Luke is. I’ve been kicking myself for a month and a half over it.
Beyond that, the next week, after promisepromisepromising to show Aaron how much I loved him we go out to the bars, I spend the time dancing with my girlfriend and then (so I've been told, my memory is void for about two hours) I proceeded to molest one of Aaron's best friends from home and tell him how well he could do at our University with the ladies.
fuuuuuuuckkkkmyyyyyylifffeee
After these two incidents we did ‘resolve’ the problems, but only after hours and hours and days of fighting. Our fights are vicious too. I am a defensive, sarcastic, bitch and he is an evil evil person. Some of the gem of insults and scary statements that left his mouth included, “how did you deal with this (getting heartbroken) ?! Should I go and get drunk and fuck some people?”, “If you leave me I will make your life hell”, “Why don’t you just go upstairs and cry by yourself... pathetic.”
Yeah. Vicious.
Eventually through some more problems that should have been minor but just weren’t because of everything else, our fights hit a breaking point. I screamed at him to get out of my house and two days later I broke up with him. It was a tearful and heart wrenching goodbye. For the next three days I kept myself busy with school and the gym. It was really good in a, time-to-myself, kinda way. On the night of the fourth day we talked and he insisted that when I picked up my things we have a talk. I spent that night bawling my eyes out holding his football jersey to my face. It was a pitiful sight. My roommates told me to stay strong, but world, I am in love with this boy.
When we talked the next day I caved and we’ve been holdin’ on ever since. Everyone is cautiously supportive of us. They’re trying to hold a smile. They’ve dropped the attachment to Luke after his cold welcome home meet with me. Aaron and I have been doing well, although he takes up entirely too much of my time. I’m just so crazy about him, want to be with him every second. Sigh.
Today we fought. Last weekend we fought. Last weekend was rough. I wrote a friend about it, I’ll just post it here for a good summary.
October 9, 2011
Last night I had a really awful time with life. My ex showed up to a party I was at, no one warned me he might be there. I have been doing a great job of being over him, but seeing him still makes my stomach churn, ya know? Anyway I was brooding and upset and he didn't so much as glance my way. The only thing I've wanted from him since everything went down in January/February is a good explanation why. So because I knew it would just swirl around uncomfortably in my head if I didn't deal with it I confronted him before he left. I asked him to just be straight with me, was it that he was too busy, he didn't care enough, I was too difficult... what? He fed me some bullshit about how things got weird with us as soon as he left and then he got caught up, 'like I was in first year again.' AKA too busy drinking, partying and meeting people to give me the time of day. Jackass. So that crushed me all over again. I can't understand how someone who supposedly used to love me could be so fucking cold. I ended up taking a ridiculously expensive cab ride to get home, it was worth every penny.
I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time that night. Yes I was painfully heartbroken when Aaron and I weren’t together, but there was more control to it. Having my heart thrown back at me again was the ultimate final insult from Luke. Helpless despair. I took a full day to deal with it, but honestly I’m happy. I needed that final punch in the gut to really convince me that he is nothing like the person I was in love with. Now I feel like I can honestly let go. That person I knew left in January and he ain’t never comin’ back. Explaining why I had to confront Luke yet again was not easy to explain to Aaron. He was pretty hurt and scared. Understandably. I guess these are the traumas of getting into a relationship before your last one is out of your heart. But, this time I mean it when I say that the finalnail has been hammered into the coffin load of dirt has been thrown on top of the coffin holding my relationship with Luke.
So now what? Well I’m just head over heels crazy for Aaron, but our fights aren’t getting much better. Less vicious, but still long and painful. I hoped some things might change after the break up. Some things have. He doesn’t shoot out the really bad insults. He’s not been overreacting to things. I’ve been more open about us and affectionate and inclusive towards him. Those basics have changed and it really has improved our relationship and made me truly happy. Today, though, the fight really put a splinter in my heart. I’m having issues trying to figure out if our fights will ever end, or ever be any less difficult. We seethe at each other. I’ve never been in a relationship where I've flip-flopped between passionate love and hate like this. It’s so draining and confusing. I can’t bear to let him go though, so we put a bandaid on a tumor and have make-up sex.
Only time will tell.
Today's title brought to you by: The Wilhelm Scream - James Blake
My love life never ceases to be a source of drama and excitement. Since coming back to school I have had to deal with the re-entrance of Luke into my life. Not to mention into my relationship with Aaron. Luke and I found a place and time to talk when he got back. It started with pleasantries and stupid small talk. Eventually it took a turn for the serious and went something like this:
Luke, “So how was your past semester?”
I roll my eyes and scoff under my breath
Luke, “What?”
Me, “Well it kinda sucked.”
Luke, “Because of me?”
Me, “Well yea kinda... some other stuff too. I duno.”
Luke, “Ahh... well. Sorry. Anyway I kinda have to get going, is there any reason you wanted to talk, ‘cause I don’t have anything to say.”
ouch...I've only been thinking about what you'd say at this moment for 9 months
Me, “Uh, um, yea well you know, I didn’t exactly want us to just run into each other on campus...”
Luke, “Yeah, yeah, of course. Me either.”
sure.
Me, “Yea. And, well, listen. If you want to hang out with my roommates or whatever, just do it at your place, okay? I don’t want you coming around the house.”
Luke, “Oh. Uh, yeah. That’s fair, that’s fair.”
And that was that. There was however a caveat. My wonderful friends had planned a reunion party at our place for the end of that week and they had invited Luke. I was not impressed but in my mind it was done. The events that unfolded over the next two weeks were hellish.
Aaron did not get invited to this party because I wanted to avoid conflict and I was nervous having them around each other. That has created the never ending fight. It’s understandable, I mean I leave Aaron heartbroken only a year and a half earlier after I leave him for Luke and now he’s not getting invited to parties at my house and Luke is. I’ve been kicking myself for a month and a half over it.
Beyond that, the next week, after promisepromisepromising to show Aaron how much I loved him we go out to the bars, I spend the time dancing with my girlfriend and then (so I've been told, my memory is void for about two hours) I proceeded to molest one of Aaron's best friends from home and tell him how well he could do at our University with the ladies.
fuuuuuuuckkkkmyyyyyylifffeee
After these two incidents we did ‘resolve’ the problems, but only after hours and hours and days of fighting. Our fights are vicious too. I am a defensive, sarcastic, bitch and he is an evil evil person. Some of the gem of insults and scary statements that left his mouth included, “how did you deal with this (getting heartbroken) ?! Should I go and get drunk and fuck some people?”, “If you leave me I will make your life hell”, “Why don’t you just go upstairs and cry by yourself... pathetic.”
Yeah. Vicious.
Eventually through some more problems that should have been minor but just weren’t because of everything else, our fights hit a breaking point. I screamed at him to get out of my house and two days later I broke up with him. It was a tearful and heart wrenching goodbye. For the next three days I kept myself busy with school and the gym. It was really good in a, time-to-myself, kinda way. On the night of the fourth day we talked and he insisted that when I picked up my things we have a talk. I spent that night bawling my eyes out holding his football jersey to my face. It was a pitiful sight. My roommates told me to stay strong, but world, I am in love with this boy.
When we talked the next day I caved and we’ve been holdin’ on ever since. Everyone is cautiously supportive of us. They’re trying to hold a smile. They’ve dropped the attachment to Luke after his cold welcome home meet with me. Aaron and I have been doing well, although he takes up entirely too much of my time. I’m just so crazy about him, want to be with him every second. Sigh.
Today we fought. Last weekend we fought. Last weekend was rough. I wrote a friend about it, I’ll just post it here for a good summary.
October 9, 2011
Last night I had a really awful time with life. My ex showed up to a party I was at, no one warned me he might be there. I have been doing a great job of being over him, but seeing him still makes my stomach churn, ya know? Anyway I was brooding and upset and he didn't so much as glance my way. The only thing I've wanted from him since everything went down in January/February is a good explanation why. So because I knew it would just swirl around uncomfortably in my head if I didn't deal with it I confronted him before he left. I asked him to just be straight with me, was it that he was too busy, he didn't care enough, I was too difficult... what? He fed me some bullshit about how things got weird with us as soon as he left and then he got caught up, 'like I was in first year again.' AKA too busy drinking, partying and meeting people to give me the time of day. Jackass. So that crushed me all over again. I can't understand how someone who supposedly used to love me could be so fucking cold. I ended up taking a ridiculously expensive cab ride to get home, it was worth every penny.
I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time that night. Yes I was painfully heartbroken when Aaron and I weren’t together, but there was more control to it. Having my heart thrown back at me again was the ultimate final insult from Luke. Helpless despair. I took a full day to deal with it, but honestly I’m happy. I needed that final punch in the gut to really convince me that he is nothing like the person I was in love with. Now I feel like I can honestly let go. That person I knew left in January and he ain’t never comin’ back. Explaining why I had to confront Luke yet again was not easy to explain to Aaron. He was pretty hurt and scared. Understandably. I guess these are the traumas of getting into a relationship before your last one is out of your heart. But, this time I mean it when I say that the final
So now what? Well I’m just head over heels crazy for Aaron, but our fights aren’t getting much better. Less vicious, but still long and painful. I hoped some things might change after the break up. Some things have. He doesn’t shoot out the really bad insults. He’s not been overreacting to things. I’ve been more open about us and affectionate and inclusive towards him. Those basics have changed and it really has improved our relationship and made me truly happy. Today, though, the fight really put a splinter in my heart. I’m having issues trying to figure out if our fights will ever end, or ever be any less difficult. We seethe at each other. I’ve never been in a relationship where I've flip-flopped between passionate love and hate like this. It’s so draining and confusing. I can’t bear to let him go though, so we put a bandaid on a tumor and have make-up sex.
Only time will tell.
Today's title brought to you by: The Wilhelm Scream - James Blake
Friday, 14 October 2011
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
A couple months ago (mid-late, August) I started writing a post, but never got around to finishing it. Here it is...
I have been observing my friends in their relationships recently. I don't know if summer is setting and the romance of spring has faded, but my friends have been seriously questioning their relationships as August comes to a close. I understand questioning your relationship and yet staying in it, I am so sympathetic to not wanting to break someone's heart or be responsible for hurting your own. There is a time, however, when you need to step up to the plate and grow a pair. Two things that really bugged me about their contemplation were these:
1. Settling
These girls were just convinced that they should not expect better of love. Either they were going to quit men cold turkey, or they were staying with their boys. At one point they were saying how they missed going out to bars and drinking and partying. If that's how you feel, you have a problem. If you are in a serious relationship and you can't have fun with your partner doing all the things that you love doing, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying end it, but think about how serious it really is, or maybe at least try doing all the things you feel you're missing out on with them, you might be surprised. If you do have serious problems like this or something else, please, please do not think, 'Hey! Whatever, that's life. Nothing's perfect.' No. You are wrong, love is not about settling, yes compromise is important, but not settling. When your relationship gets to a point that you are questioning your happiness and whether or not you should be with a person, you should not think that that is how love is supposed to be. It's not. Again, this is not to say that if you are discontent you should break up with your boy, but please look your problems in the face, point at them and say, 'Hey! You are a problem and I have to deal with you.'
My first love was a boy who I couldn't party with. He was terribly awkward and strange with first impressions. Quirkey boy, I loved him for it and haaated him for it. Imagine being an insecure, shy girl just going into university, and having a love sick computer gaming nerd hanging off you. This might be your cup of tea, and that's totally cool. For me it was awful. I wanted to meet people; recreate myself... or at least do some editing. After being locked up in a private school for 6 years I needed to know what was up with the rest of the world. I tried bringing Matt out. Bars, parties, even small hangouts, but I never felt comfortable. It put a serious strain on our relationship. He always felt like I would avoid him or distance myself in these situations, and he was right. Feeling like you can't go out with your boyfriend: you feel trapped. You feel like you can't do the things you want to do and you start to resent the person keeping you from it. Unless fixed this will only build and build until you make the decision to either end your relationship or you will cheat. It happened to me, and it's happened to two of my friends. I know now that I should not have brushed off my feelings. Even if recognizing our problem had lead to a painful break-up in the short term, it would have been nothing compared to the mess I dealt with in the long term. I understand that it's something to be learned first hand, but if you see the symptoms in your relationship, take a sec and think about it.
2. Not admitting you're afraid
I understand how heartbreaking, infuriating, depressing, self-deprecating, guilt ridden, and just generally difficult break-ups are. Believe me I do, but that's no excuse to stay in a relationship. In this chat that we all had together, another one of the reasons these girls wouldn't break up with their respective boyfriends was that they thought, if the break-up was going to be difficult, then maybe they weren't ready yet, when the break-up is meant to happen, it would be easy(er). This is a load of shit. Maybe you are in love, maybe you were, or maybe you just really cared for the person you are with. That does not mean that you should be in a relationship with them. There are so many other things in life that you have to remember. Even if you are in love, maybe you're not being treated right, or maybe you're letting the rest of your life slip... either way, it doesn't make any sense to stay in a relationship because it would be hard to get out of it. Break-ups are hard(!). There would not be so many self-help books on dealing with them if they were easy. While reading this, keep in mind that all these girls were complaining about their boys and were scratching the bottom of the barrel to figure out why they are still together. I am absolutely not saying that if you are going through a tough period of time or if you sometimes argue with your boyfriend you should break-up (more on this in next post). What I am saying is, don't make excuses for yourself. Be honest. Write down all the good things and all the bad things that your man makes you feel. Read them and imagine that your friend had come to you with the same issue and had written it for you to evaluate the pros and cons. Try to remove yourself from your relationship. Take a step back and really ask yourself if it is making you happier than it is sad. When you find the answer, don't think about if it will be easy or if it will make you unhappier in the short term than it would to just ignore the situation. Be honest to yourself like you would your best friend. It will be worth it in the end.
Today's title brought to you by: Someone Like You - Adele
I have been observing my friends in their relationships recently. I don't know if summer is setting and the romance of spring has faded, but my friends have been seriously questioning their relationships as August comes to a close. I understand questioning your relationship and yet staying in it, I am so sympathetic to not wanting to break someone's heart or be responsible for hurting your own. There is a time, however, when you need to step up to the plate and grow a pair. Two things that really bugged me about their contemplation were these:
1. Settling
These girls were just convinced that they should not expect better of love. Either they were going to quit men cold turkey, or they were staying with their boys. At one point they were saying how they missed going out to bars and drinking and partying. If that's how you feel, you have a problem. If you are in a serious relationship and you can't have fun with your partner doing all the things that you love doing, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying end it, but think about how serious it really is, or maybe at least try doing all the things you feel you're missing out on with them, you might be surprised. If you do have serious problems like this or something else, please, please do not think, 'Hey! Whatever, that's life. Nothing's perfect.' No. You are wrong, love is not about settling, yes compromise is important, but not settling. When your relationship gets to a point that you are questioning your happiness and whether or not you should be with a person, you should not think that that is how love is supposed to be. It's not. Again, this is not to say that if you are discontent you should break up with your boy, but please look your problems in the face, point at them and say, 'Hey! You are a problem and I have to deal with you.'
My first love was a boy who I couldn't party with. He was terribly awkward and strange with first impressions. Quirkey boy, I loved him for it and haaated him for it. Imagine being an insecure, shy girl just going into university, and having a love sick computer gaming nerd hanging off you. This might be your cup of tea, and that's totally cool. For me it was awful. I wanted to meet people; recreate myself... or at least do some editing. After being locked up in a private school for 6 years I needed to know what was up with the rest of the world. I tried bringing Matt out. Bars, parties, even small hangouts, but I never felt comfortable. It put a serious strain on our relationship. He always felt like I would avoid him or distance myself in these situations, and he was right. Feeling like you can't go out with your boyfriend: you feel trapped. You feel like you can't do the things you want to do and you start to resent the person keeping you from it. Unless fixed this will only build and build until you make the decision to either end your relationship or you will cheat. It happened to me, and it's happened to two of my friends. I know now that I should not have brushed off my feelings. Even if recognizing our problem had lead to a painful break-up in the short term, it would have been nothing compared to the mess I dealt with in the long term. I understand that it's something to be learned first hand, but if you see the symptoms in your relationship, take a sec and think about it.
2. Not admitting you're afraid
I understand how heartbreaking, infuriating, depressing, self-deprecating, guilt ridden, and just generally difficult break-ups are. Believe me I do, but that's no excuse to stay in a relationship. In this chat that we all had together, another one of the reasons these girls wouldn't break up with their respective boyfriends was that they thought, if the break-up was going to be difficult, then maybe they weren't ready yet, when the break-up is meant to happen, it would be easy(er). This is a load of shit. Maybe you are in love, maybe you were, or maybe you just really cared for the person you are with. That does not mean that you should be in a relationship with them. There are so many other things in life that you have to remember. Even if you are in love, maybe you're not being treated right, or maybe you're letting the rest of your life slip... either way, it doesn't make any sense to stay in a relationship because it would be hard to get out of it. Break-ups are hard(!). There would not be so many self-help books on dealing with them if they were easy. While reading this, keep in mind that all these girls were complaining about their boys and were scratching the bottom of the barrel to figure out why they are still together. I am absolutely not saying that if you are going through a tough period of time or if you sometimes argue with your boyfriend you should break-up (more on this in next post). What I am saying is, don't make excuses for yourself. Be honest. Write down all the good things and all the bad things that your man makes you feel. Read them and imagine that your friend had come to you with the same issue and had written it for you to evaluate the pros and cons. Try to remove yourself from your relationship. Take a step back and really ask yourself if it is making you happier than it is sad. When you find the answer, don't think about if it will be easy or if it will make you unhappier in the short term than it would to just ignore the situation. Be honest to yourself like you would your best friend. It will be worth it in the end.
Today's title brought to you by: Someone Like You - Adele
Friday, 26 August 2011
I'm not talkin' 'bout a year, not three or four. I don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore
So I sent the message. It said, "hello", just as my mother suggested. We have had a few back and forths. Very civil. Very fake. But that's not why I'm writing tonight.
I saw about a quarter of the movie, "Hallpass", and found myself so...ugh. They detail two sexless, listless, and boring marriages. Disgusted and ashamed of their husbands' sexual impulses the two wives decide to let their spouse, "free from marriage" for one week. I never saw the end of the movie, but I expect that it ended up with the Owen Wilson couple realizing their real love for each other and... lalala unicorns and rainbows.
To me this movie displays such a problem with the way people view love. It normalizes sexless marriages and dull-drum feelings for the person you've committed your life to. We've all heard of the seven year itch, but call me naiive, I hope for more for myself. Every relationship that I've sustained has been heated and passionate. Fueled by mutual interests and a necessary level of comfort with each other; these are the things that make for true love. I'm not saying these are the only things, or that I think you have to constantly be about to rip each others' clothes off for the feelings to be real, but some level of attraction is essential. Anyways following this line of pondering I started thinking back to a rant I had written two years ago. It was when I was still dating Matt, but thinking about the boy I had been having a firey affair with all year.
February ?, 2009
From the day she is born every little girl watches disney movies and dreams of her prince charming and the great adventures that life has in store for her. The world has a fascination with love, so much so that it is within nearly every book and every movie you will ever see. Think for a minute. Although there are many stories in which love is not the focus, romance is almost always buried in there somewhere. Movies and books tell us that love is all you need. With love you can conquer evil witches, and live forever. This is the love that sparks the two lovers to get married after only having met once, this is the love that creates happily ever afters, and lasts forever. But is this love real, or is it just the stuff of fairy tales?
Psychologists and sociologists, and therapists have all boiled love down to chemicals and physiological reactions to certain stimulants. They have told us that there is infatuation, romantic/passionate love, and then real true love. Passionate love, they say, is what Disney teaches us. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, the heat rushing to your cheeks, and the complete lack of care for anything else in your life. When two people experience passionate love in real life, they forget about work, friends, family; everything, and their universe circles around the other. Some people may never find passionate love, some people find it again and again. What the scientists will tell you is that this kind of love is temporary. It will last as long as the pet goldfish you and your sweetums bought for your two month anniversary. Eventually you stop seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, and realize all the things you don’t like about your partner. Soul mates? Psh! Don’t exist. Finding true love is about hard work and trust. You have to build up to it. 1When you can find a compromise to every problem with that person, only then are you in real love, love that can last forever.
If that is real love, count me out. I’ll keep hopping from one passionate relationship to the next. I want my prince, I want a white stallion, and I want to ride off into the sunset. I want to find the one person who suits me so well that every other man suddenly becomes as platonic to me as a brother. I want to find something that isn’t about hard work. I know that people say, anything worth having is worth working for, or something like that, but isn’t love supposed to be the exception? Shouldn’t cupid just shoot me down and that’s it? Off to the chapel with you, have lots of babies and grow old together. But no. Science says no, the divorce rates say no, and even my parents say no. I look at them and can tell that maybe at some point they acted like the heros in the fairy tales, but now, society has jaded them. They’re scientifically in love. They do love each other, they don’t fight, and they will probably never get a divorce. But where is the passion? Where’s the romance? I never see that.
I’ve been reading a "self-help" book lately, “The Languages of Love”. It’s a great book, really valid advice, and I can see how it would be immensely helpful for a marriage in trouble. It teaches you how to communicate with your partner and make them feel loved. I do think that it’s important and that even in the most passionate of relationships, this book has some really relevant points. However, do I ever want to have to read a book to figure out how to like being with the person I’m with? No! I don’t want to ‘stay together for the kids’ I want to be madly, head over heels, smitten with my husband from the day we meet till the day we die. Is that as unrealistic as it sounds? I honestly don’t know. I’ve seen so many beautiful, passionate relationships crash and burn after a couple years or less. I don’t know if that’s the fate for everyone or not. I don’t want it to be.
I believe my problem right now stems from the fact that I want something to be perfect. I’m not interested in a mediocre relationship that has lies and flaws and incomplete feelings. I know my boyfriend is head over heels for me, but at the same time I know he still harbors feelings for another girl. I know that they have a flirtatious relationship and that he probably still thinks about her. I also know that he will never leave me. If this relationship lasted another three years straight, I would still be the one to break it off. I honestly want nothing more than to feel the same way, to be as dedicated and completely in love as he is. But, I’m not. I still have strong feelings for my ex. Who I talk to way more than my boyfriend. My personal life, however, is not the point. What I’m getting at is my constant need for Disney love. As soon as I lose it with one person, I start looking for it with another.
Today's title brought to you by: Forever - Ben Harper
I saw about a quarter of the movie, "Hallpass", and found myself so...ugh. They detail two sexless, listless, and boring marriages. Disgusted and ashamed of their husbands' sexual impulses the two wives decide to let their spouse, "free from marriage" for one week. I never saw the end of the movie, but I expect that it ended up with the Owen Wilson couple realizing their real love for each other and... lalala unicorns and rainbows.
To me this movie displays such a problem with the way people view love. It normalizes sexless marriages and dull-drum feelings for the person you've committed your life to. We've all heard of the seven year itch, but call me naiive, I hope for more for myself. Every relationship that I've sustained has been heated and passionate. Fueled by mutual interests and a necessary level of comfort with each other; these are the things that make for true love. I'm not saying these are the only things, or that I think you have to constantly be about to rip each others' clothes off for the feelings to be real, but some level of attraction is essential. Anyways following this line of pondering I started thinking back to a rant I had written two years ago. It was when I was still dating Matt, but thinking about the boy I had been having a firey affair with all year.
February ?, 2009
From the day she is born every little girl watches disney movies and dreams of her prince charming and the great adventures that life has in store for her. The world has a fascination with love, so much so that it is within nearly every book and every movie you will ever see. Think for a minute. Although there are many stories in which love is not the focus, romance is almost always buried in there somewhere. Movies and books tell us that love is all you need. With love you can conquer evil witches, and live forever. This is the love that sparks the two lovers to get married after only having met once, this is the love that creates happily ever afters, and lasts forever. But is this love real, or is it just the stuff of fairy tales?
Psychologists and sociologists, and therapists have all boiled love down to chemicals and physiological reactions to certain stimulants. They have told us that there is infatuation, romantic/passionate love, and then real true love. Passionate love, they say, is what Disney teaches us. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, the heat rushing to your cheeks, and the complete lack of care for anything else in your life. When two people experience passionate love in real life, they forget about work, friends, family; everything, and their universe circles around the other. Some people may never find passionate love, some people find it again and again. What the scientists will tell you is that this kind of love is temporary. It will last as long as the pet goldfish you and your sweetums bought for your two month anniversary. Eventually you stop seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, and realize all the things you don’t like about your partner. Soul mates? Psh! Don’t exist. Finding true love is about hard work and trust. You have to build up to it. 1When you can find a compromise to every problem with that person, only then are you in real love, love that can last forever.
If that is real love, count me out. I’ll keep hopping from one passionate relationship to the next. I want my prince, I want a white stallion, and I want to ride off into the sunset. I want to find the one person who suits me so well that every other man suddenly becomes as platonic to me as a brother. I want to find something that isn’t about hard work. I know that people say, anything worth having is worth working for, or something like that, but isn’t love supposed to be the exception? Shouldn’t cupid just shoot me down and that’s it? Off to the chapel with you, have lots of babies and grow old together. But no. Science says no, the divorce rates say no, and even my parents say no. I look at them and can tell that maybe at some point they acted like the heros in the fairy tales, but now, society has jaded them. They’re scientifically in love. They do love each other, they don’t fight, and they will probably never get a divorce. But where is the passion? Where’s the romance? I never see that.
I’ve been reading a "self-help" book lately, “The Languages of Love”. It’s a great book, really valid advice, and I can see how it would be immensely helpful for a marriage in trouble. It teaches you how to communicate with your partner and make them feel loved. I do think that it’s important and that even in the most passionate of relationships, this book has some really relevant points. However, do I ever want to have to read a book to figure out how to like being with the person I’m with? No! I don’t want to ‘stay together for the kids’ I want to be madly, head over heels, smitten with my husband from the day we meet till the day we die. Is that as unrealistic as it sounds? I honestly don’t know. I’ve seen so many beautiful, passionate relationships crash and burn after a couple years or less. I don’t know if that’s the fate for everyone or not. I don’t want it to be.
I believe my problem right now stems from the fact that I want something to be perfect. I’m not interested in a mediocre relationship that has lies and flaws and incomplete feelings. I know my boyfriend is head over heels for me, but at the same time I know he still harbors feelings for another girl. I know that they have a flirtatious relationship and that he probably still thinks about her. I also know that he will never leave me. If this relationship lasted another three years straight, I would still be the one to break it off. I honestly want nothing more than to feel the same way, to be as dedicated and completely in love as he is. But, I’m not. I still have strong feelings for my ex. Who I talk to way more than my boyfriend. My personal life, however, is not the point. What I’m getting at is my constant need for Disney love. As soon as I lose it with one person, I start looking for it with another.
Today's title brought to you by: Forever - Ben Harper
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
just called to say, hello. I couldnt sleep at all tonight and I know it's late, but I couldn't wait.
There is a black hole firmly lodged between my ribs. It's sucking every and all positive feelings into a dark oblivion. All that's left are anger, guilt, sadness, pity, disgust....the slime and gunk of emotion that stick to my insides like sap.
Luke is back. On day 1 he had nothing to do, so he went out for dinner with my two best friends/room mates. He's been back for a week now. I haven't heard from him since May.
My friends, formerly beside me, cheering me on as I hammered a nail into a board imagining Luke's face on it, are now telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with him, that he loved me all along, cares about me still, I need to see it from his point of view. He never meant to hurt me, he just didn't know what to do, thought it would be easier for me if he just cut off all contact.
Thanks guys! That really makes me feel 100% better.
NOT
If he cares about me, then why is it that I've had to find out that we are now habitating within the same country together for the first time in 8 months from people other than him? If he ever loved me why did he kick me to the curb and leave me in his dust? He may have cared about me, yes I know he did. I also believe that he still wants the best for me. Does that mean he's spent even five minutes considering how I feel now, or how his actions affect me? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
I definitely lost this break up. For anyone who's been through a rough one with friends on either side, I'm sure you know what I mean. It's not that I feel I've lost my friends...yet. I feel like its all cracking and crumbling though. Luke's a charmer. One of the genuinely nicest people you'll ever meet, which pretty much puts a halo over his head. All of the shit I went through, the tears, the awful, horrible breakdowns are now in the past. It seems, in my friends eyes, I should just recover and accept him as a subsidiary part of my life.
But of course I do not want to. So what do I do? Nobody really knows or has any advice to give. Only my mother has stepped up as the key to wisdom. I am to be the bigger person and talk to him before I drive myself crazy. I don't think he deserves it from me. I don't think he deserves shit. But I don't deserve this hell either, and I'm never going to escape if I don't get to deal with him. So let's just say I do decide to deal with him. How the fuck do you start a conversation that's been 8 months in the making?
Of course the simplicity that only a mom can offer you, "start with hello."
Today's title brought to you by: Hello Again - Neil Diamond
Luke is back. On day 1 he had nothing to do, so he went out for dinner with my two best friends/room mates. He's been back for a week now. I haven't heard from him since May.
My friends, formerly beside me, cheering me on as I hammered a nail into a board imagining Luke's face on it, are now telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with him, that he loved me all along, cares about me still, I need to see it from his point of view. He never meant to hurt me, he just didn't know what to do, thought it would be easier for me if he just cut off all contact.
Thanks guys! That really makes me feel 100% better.
NOT
If he cares about me, then why is it that I've had to find out that we are now habitating within the same country together for the first time in 8 months from people other than him? If he ever loved me why did he kick me to the curb and leave me in his dust? He may have cared about me, yes I know he did. I also believe that he still wants the best for me. Does that mean he's spent even five minutes considering how I feel now, or how his actions affect me? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
I definitely lost this break up. For anyone who's been through a rough one with friends on either side, I'm sure you know what I mean. It's not that I feel I've lost my friends...yet. I feel like its all cracking and crumbling though. Luke's a charmer. One of the genuinely nicest people you'll ever meet, which pretty much puts a halo over his head. All of the shit I went through, the tears, the awful, horrible breakdowns are now in the past. It seems, in my friends eyes, I should just recover and accept him as a subsidiary part of my life.
But of course I do not want to. So what do I do? Nobody really knows or has any advice to give. Only my mother has stepped up as the key to wisdom. I am to be the bigger person and talk to him before I drive myself crazy. I don't think he deserves it from me. I don't think he deserves shit. But I don't deserve this hell either, and I'm never going to escape if I don't get to deal with him. So let's just say I do decide to deal with him. How the fuck do you start a conversation that's been 8 months in the making?
Of course the simplicity that only a mom can offer you, "start with hello."
Today's title brought to you by: Hello Again - Neil Diamond
Monday, 1 August 2011
Won't see it comin' when it happens, but when it happens your gonna feel it, let me tell you now, When love comes and knocks you down
So.
Things have changed pretty fucking fast. Luke's coming home in 8 days. 8 dayyyyyssss. God. I can't wrap my head around it. I've been thinking about August all year and now it's actually happening. I don't even know if he'll bother trying to talk to me. He has surgery like 5 days after he gets back so I'm guessing I am not a priority for his busy, busy life. I don't even know if I want him to anymore. I just wish he were never coming back, then I could have dealt with just getting over him instead of having to deal with losing him, getting over him, and then figuring out how to be when he's back in my life. Why is love so fucking complicated?
Things with Aaron have gone from fun to serious real fast. I'm crazy about him. I know he has been about me for the past two years pretty much... but things have been so good. He adores me and I do love to be adored (doesn't everyone?). He's so good to me, sweet and considerate.... and a-fucking-mazzzzzing in bed. Never hurts, right?
I've been getting a lot of shit from my friends about it. The ones who know anyway. We had a lot of issues when things were bad, and when he's angry he gets kinda crazy... not in the, 'oh shit I need to call women's helpline' or anything like that. Just...very emotional and meannnn. He's hit me with such low blows before. One of my favorites came up one time when I was being a tool and using the 'headache' excuse type thing after I had been practically on top of him the whole time we were out at the bars. He was not impressed, and that brought out his ugly, evil side who said coldly, "Don't think you can just come on to me now, you're not worth it anymore."
Ouch.
This is what I refused to put up with when we were just fucking around. I'm not taking emotional abuse for nothing. I know I probably shouldn't have to take it at all, but its gotten to the point that it's worth it? I know that sounds fucked up but hopefully someone out there knows what I mean. 99% of the time he treats me like a princess. He only hurts me when I've hurt him.
I have no idea how long it will last or if I'll be able to hold out against the pressure of my friends, but that's pretty much where I stand now. Wish me luck....
Today's title brought to you by: Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West
Things have changed pretty fucking fast. Luke's coming home in 8 days. 8 dayyyyyssss. God. I can't wrap my head around it. I've been thinking about August all year and now it's actually happening. I don't even know if he'll bother trying to talk to me. He has surgery like 5 days after he gets back so I'm guessing I am not a priority for his busy, busy life. I don't even know if I want him to anymore. I just wish he were never coming back, then I could have dealt with just getting over him instead of having to deal with losing him, getting over him, and then figuring out how to be when he's back in my life. Why is love so fucking complicated?
Things with Aaron have gone from fun to serious real fast. I'm crazy about him. I know he has been about me for the past two years pretty much... but things have been so good. He adores me and I do love to be adored (doesn't everyone?). He's so good to me, sweet and considerate.... and a-fucking-mazzzzzing in bed. Never hurts, right?
I've been getting a lot of shit from my friends about it. The ones who know anyway. We had a lot of issues when things were bad, and when he's angry he gets kinda crazy... not in the, 'oh shit I need to call women's helpline' or anything like that. Just...very emotional and meannnn. He's hit me with such low blows before. One of my favorites came up one time when I was being a tool and using the 'headache' excuse type thing after I had been practically on top of him the whole time we were out at the bars. He was not impressed, and that brought out his ugly, evil side who said coldly, "Don't think you can just come on to me now, you're not worth it anymore."
Ouch.
This is what I refused to put up with when we were just fucking around. I'm not taking emotional abuse for nothing. I know I probably shouldn't have to take it at all, but its gotten to the point that it's worth it? I know that sounds fucked up but hopefully someone out there knows what I mean. 99% of the time he treats me like a princess. He only hurts me when I've hurt him.
I have no idea how long it will last or if I'll be able to hold out against the pressure of my friends, but that's pretty much where I stand now. Wish me luck....
Today's title brought to you by: Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West
Sunday, 17 July 2011
We could have had it all, rolling in the deep, you had my heart inside your hand, and you played it to the beat
July 18 2011
So now you're coming home,
we haven't spoken in months.
Last time I looked into your eyes they still loved me.
Last time I touched you,
you told me how much you'd miss me.
Then what? -------------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm here,
feeling the tide swelling yet again;
heartbreak bubbling through my veins.
Helpless.
Will you even call me?
Want to see me?
Did you ever think of me, and do you now?
I did.
Every day.
I still do.
Every day.
I don't know if we still are who we were, but until I can get you back
into,
or completely
out of,
my head,
my heart,
I'm lost.
Today's title brought to you by: Rolling in the Deep - Adele
So now you're coming home,
we haven't spoken in months.
Last time I looked into your eyes they still loved me.
Last time I touched you,
you told me how much you'd miss me.
Then what? -------------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm here,
feeling the tide swelling yet again;
heartbreak bubbling through my veins.
Helpless.
Will you even call me?
Want to see me?
Did you ever think of me, and do you now?
I did.
Every day.
I still do.
Every day.
I don't know if we still are who we were, but until I can get you back
into,
or completely
out of,
my head,
my heart,
I'm lost.
Today's title brought to you by: Rolling in the Deep - Adele
You know it ain't easy, for these thoughts to leave me, these feelings won't go away, they keep knockin me sideways
March 06 2011
I think the hardest part about getting your heart broken is trying to decide what was real. When I think about Luke and I it just seems so confusing. Why and how could he seem to love me so much, but then just forget about me? How am I supposed to believe that he meant any of it. I read his letter again and he makes it sound like he wants to talk to me all the time and when he gets back we're all but a sure thing. Then he leaves and it's like none of it ever happened. It's like I woke up from a dream. I hate it. Nothing we had means what it used to; what I thought it would. Puts past relationships in perspective. I understand now why they asked if I really loved them. Of course with Jeremy and Brian the answer is that I didn't. But with Matt... He does know I did, now, I'm sure of it. He questioned it at the time though. And I used to get so offended, so hurt that he could question everything we had. But how could he not have? I can't stop. All I want to do is ask Luke, do you think of me? Do you miss me, truly? Does your heart ache sometimes, and don't you just wish you could feel my skin against yours? Just sometimes, don't you?
But all these questions echo around my head unanswered.
I've been told I'm not dealing with it very well. But I have no idea how to and no one else has a clue how I feel.
-------------
In this post I refer to a letter Luke wrote me. We both wrote each other parting letters. This is most of his.
_______, (aka. Pretty gorgeous lady)
The last year has been quite the adventure to say the least, all in a good way of course. I know we have talked about this but I’m very glad you and I got talking after last new year’s, as my life would be very different without you.... (insert random memories here) This brings me to missing you… I don’t even know where to begin or how to write this… those nine days when you were in Costa Rica were tough, even when I was busy every single day…. I don’t know what to imagine multiplying that by 22 to 23 times (yes I calculated that out…). We will undoubtedly stay very close, and in very constant contact… do not want that to change! No matter what happens, where I end up, who I meet, what I see, etc. I want you in my life in some fashion… this is not even close to the end. If you ever have any questions, want any advice, or simply want to talk to someone about something please don’t be shy, literally anything, regardless of how you and me end up after everything unfolds over the next 8 months. (Although once I’m back in Canada I think it may be rather hard for me to stay away from you after that long of a time gone haha so be ready!) We are both sitting here together right now, having had a great last 5 days or so together…. And I really don’t know what to type… there is lots I’m thinking about and you know I have always had a tough time when it comes to words and spitting them out. Basically to sum it all up in very basic terms… I’m going to REALLY REALLY miss you! Life is going to be very different without you… and I don’t want to get used to it that way so we better be Skyping!
I LOVE YOU!
The boy who loves you,
Luke
Today's title brought to you by: Sideways - Citizen Cope
I think the hardest part about getting your heart broken is trying to decide what was real. When I think about Luke and I it just seems so confusing. Why and how could he seem to love me so much, but then just forget about me? How am I supposed to believe that he meant any of it. I read his letter again and he makes it sound like he wants to talk to me all the time and when he gets back we're all but a sure thing. Then he leaves and it's like none of it ever happened. It's like I woke up from a dream. I hate it. Nothing we had means what it used to; what I thought it would. Puts past relationships in perspective. I understand now why they asked if I really loved them. Of course with Jeremy and Brian the answer is that I didn't. But with Matt... He does know I did, now, I'm sure of it. He questioned it at the time though. And I used to get so offended, so hurt that he could question everything we had. But how could he not have? I can't stop. All I want to do is ask Luke, do you think of me? Do you miss me, truly? Does your heart ache sometimes, and don't you just wish you could feel my skin against yours? Just sometimes, don't you?
But all these questions echo around my head unanswered.
I've been told I'm not dealing with it very well. But I have no idea how to and no one else has a clue how I feel.
-------------
In this post I refer to a letter Luke wrote me. We both wrote each other parting letters. This is most of his.
_______, (aka. Pretty gorgeous lady)
The last year has been quite the adventure to say the least, all in a good way of course. I know we have talked about this but I’m very glad you and I got talking after last new year’s, as my life would be very different without you.... (insert random memories here) This brings me to missing you… I don’t even know where to begin or how to write this… those nine days when you were in Costa Rica were tough, even when I was busy every single day…. I don’t know what to imagine multiplying that by 22 to 23 times (yes I calculated that out…). We will undoubtedly stay very close, and in very constant contact… do not want that to change! No matter what happens, where I end up, who I meet, what I see, etc. I want you in my life in some fashion… this is not even close to the end. If you ever have any questions, want any advice, or simply want to talk to someone about something please don’t be shy, literally anything, regardless of how you and me end up after everything unfolds over the next 8 months. (Although once I’m back in Canada I think it may be rather hard for me to stay away from you after that long of a time gone haha so be ready!) We are both sitting here together right now, having had a great last 5 days or so together…. And I really don’t know what to type… there is lots I’m thinking about and you know I have always had a tough time when it comes to words and spitting them out. Basically to sum it all up in very basic terms… I’m going to REALLY REALLY miss you! Life is going to be very different without you… and I don’t want to get used to it that way so we better be Skyping!
I LOVE YOU!
The boy who loves you,
Luke
Today's title brought to you by: Sideways - Citizen Cope
Curse the moon, so dull and bright, my heavy soul can't stand the light. It burns me straight to the bones
February 13 2011
I don't understand why things always go to shit all at once. It just doesn't make sense to me. I hate being in this place, I feel lost again. It's shit. All I want to do is fucking leave. Summer can't come fast enough. The worst part is when I get like this I'm so fucking self destructive. I eat tons, I stop caring about school, I drink but get depressed.
P A T H E T I C
And the only thing I want or that I feel will make me happy is to get far the fuck away from here. I wish school wasn't so fucking important, I wish society didn't exist, I wish I had a better way out than blazing every day and mostly I wish I knew ANYONE who felt the same way.
Today's title brought to you by: Cue the Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
I don't understand why things always go to shit all at once. It just doesn't make sense to me. I hate being in this place, I feel lost again. It's shit. All I want to do is fucking leave. Summer can't come fast enough. The worst part is when I get like this I'm so fucking self destructive. I eat tons, I stop caring about school, I drink but get depressed.
P A T H E T I C
And the only thing I want or that I feel will make me happy is to get far the fuck away from here. I wish school wasn't so fucking important, I wish society didn't exist, I wish I had a better way out than blazing every day and mostly I wish I knew ANYONE who felt the same way.
Today's title brought to you by: Cue the Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
And this is torturous, electricity between both of us, and this is dangerous, cause I want you so much, but I hate your guts
February 7 2011
Why I am angry at Luke:
- I thought we were in love and that I could never be more sure
- I thought we were going to give us an honest go
- I thought he would at least message me often or talk to me whenever he could
- I thought he'd miss me and tell me he did
- The only way I know how to deal with it is to hate him
- I never want him to talk to our friends
- I feel betrayed
- I feel stupid and naive
- I feel worthless to him
- He makes me feel like it was all a lie and that's the worst part
-----
the lyrics in the title to this entry are from an amazing song by an amazing girl. check her out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpWO_byqSr8
Today's title brought to you by: Landfill - Daughter
Why I am angry at Luke:
- I thought we were in love and that I could never be more sure
- I thought we were going to give us an honest go
- I thought he would at least message me often or talk to me whenever he could
- I thought he'd miss me and tell me he did
- The only way I know how to deal with it is to hate him
- I never want him to talk to our friends
- I feel betrayed
- I feel stupid and naive
- I feel worthless to him
- He makes me feel like it was all a lie and that's the worst part
-----
the lyrics in the title to this entry are from an amazing song by an amazing girl. check her out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpWO_byqSr8
Today's title brought to you by: Landfill - Daughter
Cause you're my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away
November 15 2010
Well I know there's been a lot of back and forth in this about love, but for the past two months I've been certain. I have never felt this way in my life. There is no one in the world better for me than him. I don't want a life without him. He's my perfect. I still see why I felt the way I did about all the other ones, but I was so unsure. I wrote about it so much because I needed to reassure myself. With Luke I am happy. I want him forever
Today's title brought to you by: Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Well I know there's been a lot of back and forth in this about love, but for the past two months I've been certain. I have never felt this way in my life. There is no one in the world better for me than him. I don't want a life without him. He's my perfect. I still see why I felt the way I did about all the other ones, but I was so unsure. I wrote about it so much because I needed to reassure myself. With Luke I am happy. I want him forever
Today's title brought to you by: Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Which to bury, us or the hatchet?
February 23 2010
Love is friendship set on fire.
Sounds beautiful doesn't it? Friendship that burns with a fiery passion; that's love. But what happens when the flame dies out?
All that is left is ashes.
If the friendship was strong enough or if the flame didn't burn too hot, there might be enough to salvage something. Some chunk of trust, love or respect that was too strong to be broken. Sometimes, though, there are only pieces; fragments of something beautiful. From these shards can anything ever emerge? Can something new be built out of ash?
Delicate and smaller than before. Changed forever, but not lost. True friendship can be born again.
----
This entry was written after Aaron and I fell apart. I was somewhat seeing Luke now and Aaron and I were in the final throws of our long, long, lllooonnnnngggg fight to say goodbye.
Today's title brought to you by: Which to bury, Us or the Hatchet? - Relient K
Love is friendship set on fire.
Sounds beautiful doesn't it? Friendship that burns with a fiery passion; that's love. But what happens when the flame dies out?
All that is left is ashes.
If the friendship was strong enough or if the flame didn't burn too hot, there might be enough to salvage something. Some chunk of trust, love or respect that was too strong to be broken. Sometimes, though, there are only pieces; fragments of something beautiful. From these shards can anything ever emerge? Can something new be built out of ash?
Delicate and smaller than before. Changed forever, but not lost. True friendship can be born again.
----
This entry was written after Aaron and I fell apart. I was somewhat seeing Luke now and Aaron and I were in the final throws of our long, long, lllooonnnnngggg fight to say goodbye.
Today's title brought to you by: Which to bury, Us or the Hatchet? - Relient K
Is this love, is this love, is this love that I'm feelin, I want to know, got to know
December 29 2009
Am I in love with love or do I really harbor true feelings of love for people? Besides that, what are true feelings of love?? I am such an emotional person and I always crave love and attention. Ahh me... Love will always be my biggest fixation, I think.
I think the big issue I have is being sure of myself. I never trust my feelings and all I know is that I'm not hurting people when I'm single..mostly. I love obsessing over people and moments. I suppose that's why it's so hard for me to trust myself. All I know is it feels amazing to be with him and I never tire of his company. Follow your heart I guess.
----------
This entry was taken from the time when Aaron and I were starting to move from fuck friends to something real. I tearily told him how I felt only days after this.
Today's title brought to you by: Is this Love - Bob Marley
Am I in love with love or do I really harbor true feelings of love for people? Besides that, what are true feelings of love?? I am such an emotional person and I always crave love and attention. Ahh me... Love will always be my biggest fixation, I think.
I think the big issue I have is being sure of myself. I never trust my feelings and all I know is that I'm not hurting people when I'm single..mostly. I love obsessing over people and moments. I suppose that's why it's so hard for me to trust myself. All I know is it feels amazing to be with him and I never tire of his company. Follow your heart I guess.
----------
This entry was taken from the time when Aaron and I were starting to move from fuck friends to something real. I tearily told him how I felt only days after this.
Today's title brought to you by: Is this Love - Bob Marley
All of these emotions are pouring out of me, I bring them to the light for you, It's only right
Hi.
For the purposes of keeping everyone's lives their own I won't be using real names. But you probably could have guessed that anyway.
Since I was a little girl I loved love. I lived for Disney 'happily ever after's and waited constantly for my Prince Charming.
Highschool shattered my self esteem and my hope for many years. Being an awkward almost-emo kid in a rich ass private school doesn't really bring all the boys to the block if ya know what I mean.
At the end of grade 12 a chance encounter gave way to my first love. He was amazing and we are still friends three and a half years later. After I met him it was like a switch flicked in every male around me and suddenly I was hot. I've been struggling with the repercussions of it ever since.
I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, but I felt that I needed to put somethings out into the universe. If not only for my sanity then for others, so that maybe when you read this you'll realize that you aren't the only one who is going through the heartbreak or the feelings of love or confusion that you might be. I've been through a lot of it and always felt alone.
Basically right now I'm going to give you a quick summary of the past two years and then post some journal entries written during that time.
During my time spent with my first love, Matt, I met a boy named Aaron. We immediately were attracted to each other and have been ever since. He is an amazing person, and in my three years of knowing him we've been through a lot. After I met him we were fuck buddies for a little while, but I guess the timing was off. We both dated other people for some time and were close friends all the while. After our respective break ups we started fooling around again. This time the fooling around gave way to actual feelings. I confessed my love and he laughed it off. Not because he didn't feel the same, but because he thought it was blatantly obvious how we felt about each other. For various reasons a rift began to build between us and we started fighting a lot. His friend and roommate, Luke, was someone who I had always found funny and attractive and we had flirted a lot over the months. When things began to fall apart with Aaron, Luke was there.
My time with Luke was amazing. I fell head over heels in love with him, and he seemed to feel the same. Aaron couldn't look at, let alone talk to, either of us. We spent last summer and fall together very, very happily. The thing about our relationship that always added a combination of stress and ease was that Luke was leaving on an 8 month trip to Australia and Asia. He left this past January. I've never had my heart broken before. To say it was difficult is just stupid. It ruined me for several months and I can easily say I'm still not recovered. When he left it was like he checked out of our relationship. He was just gone. I've barely talked to him since our teary eyed goodbye in the airport (cliche I know). In the months that passed I saw Aaron and we started to piece things together again. For a while it was safe, he even had a passing fling with my roommate. Now it's more serious than ever and I'm crazy about him.
I'm sure after reading this you're thinking that I am a stupid emotional girl. I am. I follow my heart more than my head and I have shitty self restraint. I don't care if you think I'm immoral or a bitch, I definitely have my moments. All I hope you get out of this is some sense that you're not alone. No matter how much you fuck up, hurt someone or are hurting from someone, I understand. And if you don't think I could, I invite you to tell me about it. Even if I can't understand, saying things 'outloud' helps.
Hopefully you need this like I do.
<3
Today's title brought to you by: Soundtrack to My Life - Kid CuDi
For the purposes of keeping everyone's lives their own I won't be using real names. But you probably could have guessed that anyway.
Since I was a little girl I loved love. I lived for Disney 'happily ever after's and waited constantly for my Prince Charming.
Highschool shattered my self esteem and my hope for many years. Being an awkward almost-emo kid in a rich ass private school doesn't really bring all the boys to the block if ya know what I mean.
At the end of grade 12 a chance encounter gave way to my first love. He was amazing and we are still friends three and a half years later. After I met him it was like a switch flicked in every male around me and suddenly I was hot. I've been struggling with the repercussions of it ever since.
I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, but I felt that I needed to put somethings out into the universe. If not only for my sanity then for others, so that maybe when you read this you'll realize that you aren't the only one who is going through the heartbreak or the feelings of love or confusion that you might be. I've been through a lot of it and always felt alone.
Basically right now I'm going to give you a quick summary of the past two years and then post some journal entries written during that time.
During my time spent with my first love, Matt, I met a boy named Aaron. We immediately were attracted to each other and have been ever since. He is an amazing person, and in my three years of knowing him we've been through a lot. After I met him we were fuck buddies for a little while, but I guess the timing was off. We both dated other people for some time and were close friends all the while. After our respective break ups we started fooling around again. This time the fooling around gave way to actual feelings. I confessed my love and he laughed it off. Not because he didn't feel the same, but because he thought it was blatantly obvious how we felt about each other. For various reasons a rift began to build between us and we started fighting a lot. His friend and roommate, Luke, was someone who I had always found funny and attractive and we had flirted a lot over the months. When things began to fall apart with Aaron, Luke was there.
My time with Luke was amazing. I fell head over heels in love with him, and he seemed to feel the same. Aaron couldn't look at, let alone talk to, either of us. We spent last summer and fall together very, very happily. The thing about our relationship that always added a combination of stress and ease was that Luke was leaving on an 8 month trip to Australia and Asia. He left this past January. I've never had my heart broken before. To say it was difficult is just stupid. It ruined me for several months and I can easily say I'm still not recovered. When he left it was like he checked out of our relationship. He was just gone. I've barely talked to him since our teary eyed goodbye in the airport (cliche I know). In the months that passed I saw Aaron and we started to piece things together again. For a while it was safe, he even had a passing fling with my roommate. Now it's more serious than ever and I'm crazy about him.
I'm sure after reading this you're thinking that I am a stupid emotional girl. I am. I follow my heart more than my head and I have shitty self restraint. I don't care if you think I'm immoral or a bitch, I definitely have my moments. All I hope you get out of this is some sense that you're not alone. No matter how much you fuck up, hurt someone or are hurting from someone, I understand. And if you don't think I could, I invite you to tell me about it. Even if I can't understand, saying things 'outloud' helps.
Hopefully you need this like I do.
<3
Today's title brought to you by: Soundtrack to My Life - Kid CuDi
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