A couple months ago (mid-late, August) I started writing a post, but never got around to finishing it. Here it is...
I have been observing my friends in their relationships recently. I don't know if summer is setting and the romance of spring has faded, but my friends have been seriously questioning their relationships as August comes to a close. I understand questioning your relationship and yet staying in it, I am so sympathetic to not wanting to break someone's heart or be responsible for hurting your own. There is a time, however, when you need to step up to the plate and grow a pair. Two things that really bugged me about their contemplation were these:
1. Settling
These girls were just convinced that they should not expect better of love. Either they were going to quit men cold turkey, or they were staying with their boys. At one point they were saying how they missed going out to bars and drinking and partying. If that's how you feel, you have a problem. If you are in a serious relationship and you can't have fun with your partner doing all the things that you love doing, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying end it, but think about how serious it really is, or maybe at least try doing all the things you feel you're missing out on with them, you might be surprised. If you do have serious problems like this or something else, please, please do not think, 'Hey! Whatever, that's life. Nothing's perfect.' No. You are wrong, love is not about settling, yes compromise is important, but not settling. When your relationship gets to a point that you are questioning your happiness and whether or not you should be with a person, you should not think that that is how love is supposed to be. It's not. Again, this is not to say that if you are discontent you should break up with your boy, but please look your problems in the face, point at them and say, 'Hey! You are a problem and I have to deal with you.'
My first love was a boy who I couldn't party with. He was terribly awkward and strange with first impressions. Quirkey boy, I loved him for it and haaated him for it. Imagine being an insecure, shy girl just going into university, and having a love sick computer gaming nerd hanging off you. This might be your cup of tea, and that's totally cool. For me it was awful. I wanted to meet people; recreate myself... or at least do some editing. After being locked up in a private school for 6 years I needed to know what was up with the rest of the world. I tried bringing Matt out. Bars, parties, even small hangouts, but I never felt comfortable. It put a serious strain on our relationship. He always felt like I would avoid him or distance myself in these situations, and he was right. Feeling like you can't go out with your boyfriend: you feel trapped. You feel like you can't do the things you want to do and you start to resent the person keeping you from it. Unless fixed this will only build and build until you make the decision to either end your relationship or you will cheat. It happened to me, and it's happened to two of my friends. I know now that I should not have brushed off my feelings. Even if recognizing our problem had lead to a painful break-up in the short term, it would have been nothing compared to the mess I dealt with in the long term. I understand that it's something to be learned first hand, but if you see the symptoms in your relationship, take a sec and think about it.
2. Not admitting you're afraid
I understand how heartbreaking, infuriating, depressing, self-deprecating, guilt ridden, and just generally difficult break-ups are. Believe me I do, but that's no excuse to stay in a relationship. In this chat that we all had together, another one of the reasons these girls wouldn't break up with their respective boyfriends was that they thought, if the break-up was going to be difficult, then maybe they weren't ready yet, when the break-up is meant to happen, it would be easy(er). This is a load of shit. Maybe you are in love, maybe you were, or maybe you just really cared for the person you are with. That does not mean that you should be in a relationship with them. There are so many other things in life that you have to remember. Even if you are in love, maybe you're not being treated right, or maybe you're letting the rest of your life slip... either way, it doesn't make any sense to stay in a relationship because it would be hard to get out of it. Break-ups are hard(!). There would not be so many self-help books on dealing with them if they were easy. While reading this, keep in mind that all these girls were complaining about their boys and were scratching the bottom of the barrel to figure out why they are still together. I am absolutely not saying that if you are going through a tough period of time or if you sometimes argue with your boyfriend you should break-up (more on this in next post). What I am saying is, don't make excuses for yourself. Be honest. Write down all the good things and all the bad things that your man makes you feel. Read them and imagine that your friend had come to you with the same issue and had written it for you to evaluate the pros and cons. Try to remove yourself from your relationship. Take a step back and really ask yourself if it is making you happier than it is sad. When you find the answer, don't think about if it will be easy or if it will make you unhappier in the short term than it would to just ignore the situation. Be honest to yourself like you would your best friend. It will be worth it in the end.
Today's title brought to you by: Someone Like You - Adele
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