Now
Now...well, now we're hooking up on a regular basis; in his car, while my parents are at work.. I've legitimately given up on trying to be any more than just fuck buddies with him (but probably not really). It's crazy, I've seriously done fuck-buddies with.. Matt, Brian, Jeremy, Aaron.. every single one of my other relationships(!), at one point or another, but never, ever like this. Whenever I did 'fuck-buddies' with any of my exs, it was a tornado of cheating, lying, break ups and make ups, and the eventual, tornado-meets-train-crash, type end. Besides these efforts I've tried it on different occasions with two other people. All massive failures. The former group of which none, were even remotely, 'buddy'-esque. The latter group resulting in an unfortunate, one sided deal, where I was the buddy and they were fucked. Both boys have ceased communication with me. Can't really blame them, don't really care. I mean I miss them as friends, they were good guys, fun, but not relationship material. C'est la vie.
Getting to the point: being fuck buddies with Luke is exactly what you're supposed to expect from 'fuck-buddies'. We hook up sometimes, don't talk more than necessary, only ever kiss, touch or are intimate during sex, and never make affectionate comments. After all my other experiences, I thought I had the whole 'fuck-buddies' thing figured out- namely: it is never what it's supposed to be. Apparently, and who am I kidding, unsurprisingly, with Luke, what you see is what you get. If that boy is anything he is practical. Motherfucking practical. So here I am, fulfilling my dreams of finally kissing, touching, and being with Luke, except, oh wait!, we're not inloveandhappilyeverafter RAINBOWS. *sigh*
I can never decide how to feel about it. Hence today's title. Sometimes (tonight) I get down about the fact that I've been life-slapped in the face and my dreams do not live up to reality. Sometimes Luke pisses me off with his incessant talk of his future plans and doing, this-and-that thing some day and I can't handle it. I still love the kid, don't think I can let it go that easily. I just think right now he's really fucking selfish. All the thinks about is his next step, the next challenge for him. I'm not saying I expect him to include people in these plans, although I don't think that's unreasonable, but he doesn't even take interest in other peoples' plans most the time. I'd like a smoke-m'-walk where we have a good philosophical conversation about things happening right now, or ideas and thoughts that don't have a time frame. Even the other night, I tried to do this exact thing, bringing up an article I discussed with my family about the social rhetoric surrounding single people. Basically the article suggesting that singles are relegated to a lower social rung, referred to as, 'exes', 'divorcees', or 'widows/ers'. All very negative words. Besides this, there's the social obsession with people just being halves of a whole; your life is not complete without a partner. My blog of course being case and point, hah. Anyways, Luke and I discussed it for about 5 minutes before he segued into his usual talk.
"I think that people are definitely supposed to share their lives with someone else, it's natural to want a partner, but I definitely think there are some times where it's best to be single. You know, times in your life where you really benefit from being alone. I'm really happy right now because so much is changing, I'm leaving for New York and then who knows how long I'll be there....................." RAWR
I don't think it's a bad thing that Luke wants to focus on himself right now, nor do I think it's bad he wants to be single. I'm so proud of him for being the ambitious, driven person he is. Honestly though? He needs to open up his eyes. I'm not the only one he neglects. Jake falls by the way side too sometimes.
When I think about these things, and how, business, Luke is right now, I know it's better we're not together. Even if we could be together, he'd never be what I need out of a relationship. Honestly, I'm leaving to travel in the next 6 months, and I don't my heart to get left behind. I have a lot of things to do and I am okay with being single. Sort of.
Bleh.
I guess, hah, I'm laughing as I realize what I'm about to type, but, I guess that right now I understand how impractical it is for us to be together. Being single still kinda sucks (do not have enough to keep busy). When I think about my dreams compared to reality it kinda sucks, but over all I do think it's best. I read a Chuck Palahniuk book recently and it said something worth repeating:
"No, it's not fair, but what makes earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it should feel like Heaven. Earth is earth."
That's my problem. I've always been such a goddamn romantic that I can't deal with this utter lack of hysteric emotion. No more heart break sorrow, because to a degree I have him back, but no blissful love, as expected. It's a dull but introspectively interesting time of life, I must say.
I'll leave ya with one last thing to think about. Maybe if someone else does I'll be able to stop.
In a week and a half I'm leaving with Luke to meet Margo and Jake in Jake's hometown in Maine state. For the record, yes, Jake and Margo are back together, shocking, shocking. This is the same and very place I went with these exact people two years ago, where Luke told me he loved me.
A quote, oddly enough from, The Matrix, "Some things never change, and some things do." It sounds obvious and redundantly simple, but man, if this hasn't been one of the truest phrases spoken, I don't know what is.
Today's title brought to you by: Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
When we lock eyes i know you feel it instantly, despite all the history you still got a thing for me
Part 2
Man oh man. It's so hard to write about this stuff after it's all happened and the feelings are so different already... Well here goes.
About a month ago..bit less.. I had plans to go to a bar with Mila and two of her friends from school, as it happened, Luke was also supposed to be going out with one of his friends, who I knew fairly well. We decided we'd meet up and go to a bar as a group. The first half of the night was SO fun! I loved Mila's friends and we all got happy drunk together while more and more people joined our little shindig. Luke and his friend Christina joined right before we headed down to the bar. Once down there, the group pretty much split up and Luke and I were left with Mila and her boyfriend Denny. The four of us chilled and drank and had a great time, but typical of Mila and Denny, they got in a spat about something or other and walked off. This left me drunk, and alone with Luke. I could sosososososoooo tell that he had the hots for me and had been flirting with me, so I decided I had to know. While walking to find the group I stopped suddenly, grabbed him by the shoulders, and demanded to know what was going on with us. He stuttered and hummed and hawed and asked if we could talk about it when he was sober. The way he went about it, I could tell he was trying very hard not to just go for it.
About 5 minutes later, I went for it.
I couldn't help it.
My memory of those moments are probably some of the clearest drunken memories I've ever managed. This is due to the fact that I forced myself to observe every little facet of my existence right then, because, after a year and a half, I finally had him again. We made out for about two seconds before Luke decided we had to leave. He decided to cab back to his house so we could be more 'alone'. The whole cab ride I had my legs over his lap, was kissing his face, holding his arm, so fucking-ridiculously happy was I. When we got back to his neighborhood we couldn't hook up in his house as his parents were home and the door beeps and, blah blah blah, so we literally found a dark place and a tree to lean against and did the dirty right there out in public.
While walking around trying to find said dark place, we had quite an interesting conversation, THANK GOD, he barely remembers. The highlights were me:
- apologizing for the whole Aaron shpeil
- apologizing for being a drama queen after he left
- demanding him to tell me that he missed me while he was away
and him:
- telling me he didn't want to date anyone before he left for New York in the fall
Yeaaaaahhhh... After that last bit I managed to stop groping him and the smile from my face diminished substantially. What happened that night was probably one of the most emotionally confusing events of my life. After our outdoor romp we really were not satisfied and were quite desperate to find a more comfortable place to fuck. It ended up in my reluctant agreement that I would stay at his house in his sister's room, but I would have to sneak out, by myself, at around 9am the next day.
Ugh. If you're thinking it sounds like I let myself get used, you are probably right. But how could I turn down this chance after so fucking long of dreaming about it? In my defense, while I was hesitating, Luke asked what I was worried about and I responded, "I don't want to be your dirty little secret"... Well as you can probably imagine, the next morning sucked ballzsack. I treated myself to a McDonalds breakfast after stealthily escaping Luke's house.
We hung out and did our usual smoke-n'-walk soon after that and got to talking about what had happened. I didn't admit to having feelings but I did make it clear that he should set out the conditions for whatever the fuck else we were doing next. We agreed to continue hooking up, just as friends, and that would be that.
One day we hung out all day together and hooked up at his dad's empty house. We ended up laying on his bed naked and talking for hours. We talked about relationships, ours, Jake and Margo's, Mila and Denny's, mine and Aaron's, and his and his most recent ex-girlfriend's. It was a really good conversation, and I think by the end of it he was looking at me a bit more deeply than usual... so fucking hard to tell with him. I kissed him out of the blue at one point... I don't think he appreciated it, but I was still trying to get used to controlling myself with him. Still am FYI, just don't slip up as much.
I wrote this at some time around then:
He's like a defibrillator,
it's electric and it burns,
and it brings you back to life.
Today's title brought to you by: G-Eazy - A Thing for Me
Man oh man. It's so hard to write about this stuff after it's all happened and the feelings are so different already... Well here goes.
About a month ago..bit less.. I had plans to go to a bar with Mila and two of her friends from school, as it happened, Luke was also supposed to be going out with one of his friends, who I knew fairly well. We decided we'd meet up and go to a bar as a group. The first half of the night was SO fun! I loved Mila's friends and we all got happy drunk together while more and more people joined our little shindig. Luke and his friend Christina joined right before we headed down to the bar. Once down there, the group pretty much split up and Luke and I were left with Mila and her boyfriend Denny. The four of us chilled and drank and had a great time, but typical of Mila and Denny, they got in a spat about something or other and walked off. This left me drunk, and alone with Luke. I could sosososososoooo tell that he had the hots for me and had been flirting with me, so I decided I had to know. While walking to find the group I stopped suddenly, grabbed him by the shoulders, and demanded to know what was going on with us. He stuttered and hummed and hawed and asked if we could talk about it when he was sober. The way he went about it, I could tell he was trying very hard not to just go for it.
About 5 minutes later, I went for it.
I couldn't help it.
My memory of those moments are probably some of the clearest drunken memories I've ever managed. This is due to the fact that I forced myself to observe every little facet of my existence right then, because, after a year and a half, I finally had him again. We made out for about two seconds before Luke decided we had to leave. He decided to cab back to his house so we could be more 'alone'. The whole cab ride I had my legs over his lap, was kissing his face, holding his arm, so fucking-ridiculously happy was I. When we got back to his neighborhood we couldn't hook up in his house as his parents were home and the door beeps and, blah blah blah, so we literally found a dark place and a tree to lean against and did the dirty right there out in public.
While walking around trying to find said dark place, we had quite an interesting conversation, THANK GOD, he barely remembers. The highlights were me:
- apologizing for the whole Aaron shpeil
- apologizing for being a drama queen after he left
- demanding him to tell me that he missed me while he was away
and him:
- telling me he didn't want to date anyone before he left for New York in the fall
Yeaaaaahhhh... After that last bit I managed to stop groping him and the smile from my face diminished substantially. What happened that night was probably one of the most emotionally confusing events of my life. After our outdoor romp we really were not satisfied and were quite desperate to find a more comfortable place to fuck. It ended up in my reluctant agreement that I would stay at his house in his sister's room, but I would have to sneak out, by myself, at around 9am the next day.
Ugh. If you're thinking it sounds like I let myself get used, you are probably right. But how could I turn down this chance after so fucking long of dreaming about it? In my defense, while I was hesitating, Luke asked what I was worried about and I responded, "I don't want to be your dirty little secret"... Well as you can probably imagine, the next morning sucked ballzsack. I treated myself to a McDonalds breakfast after stealthily escaping Luke's house.
We hung out and did our usual smoke-n'-walk soon after that and got to talking about what had happened. I didn't admit to having feelings but I did make it clear that he should set out the conditions for whatever the fuck else we were doing next. We agreed to continue hooking up, just as friends, and that would be that.
One day we hung out all day together and hooked up at his dad's empty house. We ended up laying on his bed naked and talking for hours. We talked about relationships, ours, Jake and Margo's, Mila and Denny's, mine and Aaron's, and his and his most recent ex-girlfriend's. It was a really good conversation, and I think by the end of it he was looking at me a bit more deeply than usual... so fucking hard to tell with him. I kissed him out of the blue at one point... I don't think he appreciated it, but I was still trying to get used to controlling myself with him. Still am FYI, just don't slip up as much.
I wrote this at some time around then:
He's like a defibrillator,
it's electric and it burns,
and it brings you back to life.
Today's title brought to you by: G-Eazy - A Thing for Me
Thursday, 7 June 2012
I want to love you, but if it's not right what can I do?
Part One
So. There’s a lot to say and I don’t know if I’ll get through it all tonight but I’m going go until my fingers stop.
I moved back to my parents house in late April. They were away for a week and virtually every night I had one or another of my girls over. One night I was hanging out with A and another highschool best-friend, Mila just having drinks and catching up when my phone rings. Jake asks what I’m up to. It’s his last night in town and him and Luke didn’t have anything to do. I invited them over to join us. The girls were excited for me and I had to primp my hair and sit nervously wringing my hands waiting for them to arrive. Jake and Luke and A and Mila all knew each other from when Luke and I had dated.
Seeing Luke like that; in my comfort place, a drink in hand, my best girls at my side, it was very different. I felt like I could be myself more, and I could just sense him looking at me differently, not a lot, but just kind of remembering the way we could all have fun together. The whole house was full of conversation and laughter and for a while it felt like no time had passed between all of us. After a couple hours I could see that Jake was getting antsy to go home, but when I asked him and Luke were both kind of cutting each other off. Luke saying they’d stay, Jake saying they’d head out soon... I laughed and glowed inside.
After that night I sent Luke a message on facebook saying that it had been really nice seeing him again and if he were ever interested that he should let me know and we could hang out some time.
A week and some passed and I figured that it was pretty much a lost hope. Then one day he messaged me. We chatted for a bit and then he asked if I wanted to hang out. It was my first time seeing him alone since the day I saw him after he got back. We talked for three hours. Mostly he talked about his trip, and I nervously tried to say interesting and clever things. Being around him with all the unsaid things crowding my mind and cluttering my thoughts meant I had to try about 5 times harder to keep up a fluid conversation. Luckily I mostly just listened. I was happy to. I always wanted him to have adventures and enjoy his time away and most of the time I wished he could tell me and share that with me when he got back (minus the months spent trying to hate him). Though it’s hard for me to hear about him having the time of his life when I know that, meanwhile, I was left at home trying to piece my heart back together, it’s so worth it. I am so happy to be able to be someone that he can share his experiences with. I am so happy that he did all the things he did and that he really did have the time of his life. At least he didn’t leave me for mediocrity right?
After that initial time we started hanging out to blaze together. We’d go to the park at night, smoke a joint and talk about...whatever. A lot about traveling and his trip. About my future plans, and I’d sometimes try to slip in the things I did while he was away... Mardi Gras, Burning Man, the Dominican Republic, a camping trip-music festival... it doesn’t sound so bad, but compared to a year of adventures its just cookies. A lot of the time I was in my own head, even more than usual, trying to dissect his every silence and look. Sometimes I’d be convinced. He’d draw out taking me home, he’d suggest leaving and then put it off, he looked at me with those green eyes of his...and I was convinced, "there is no way this boy does not still have feelings for me." Other times I’d feel stupid and naiive. He’d sit in silence for what felt like minutes and I’d be thinking about us together, about swinging my swing a bit closer to brush his arm, and then he’d start talking again and pick up on the exact thought we left off on, and I’d realize that his silence wasn’t filled with thoughts of us like mine was.
Such confusion. So hard to be around him again and not be able to touch him or kiss him or even be open with him. All of these boundaries we both put up, stepping on eggshells and dancing around each other. A lot of my friends warned me against it, he’s leaving to go to Colombia to do his masters in the fall. Fucking over achiever. God I love him for it. Anyways as you can see it is an obvious pickle to have myself in.
Every second I spent with him was distorted. It all felt like time was stretched out because I was taking in every detail. Every movement, every word, every look, every energy, every thing I could grasp I had to catalog. Seconds and minutes passed like we were moving through syrup. Though, when it came time for us to go our separate ways, it was like the feeling you get when you dive into the water: bursting through the surface after those long quiet seconds below... everything became real again. Two hours suddenly felt like nothing at all, and I missed being around him immediately.
I could never get a read on him. Not now, not before, not ever. He’s always been impossible. He thinks so much but he keeps his feelings so close to his heart. Sometimes, very rarely, I see something that fits. A flash of caring, attraction, admiration, understanding... but I never really trust my readings on him because sometimes I am sooo wrong. Nevertheless, little things were starting to add together to suggest that there was more than just friendship from his side. One thing that really got me happened one weekend when I went to visit my cousin. Luke and I met up a few hours before my train to hang out on my patio and enjoy the sunshine. He seemed disappointed when I had to cut our time shorter than usual and offered to drive me to the train station. I spent that night with my cousin, helping her arrange things for her stag and doe, I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding (!). It was a fun, girly night and it gave my mind a rest to get away from all the Luke, although I still dreamt of him that night.
The next day when I got home I was thinking about how much I wanted to see him again, but resisted the temptation to ask. Later on when I got a message from him asking if I was around, I jumped at the chance. We did our usual smoke and chill in the park and in the course of our conversation something came up that we had talked about the last time we had seen each other. In discussing it, I was trying to figure out what day it was and when I had last seen him. We both got mixed up on what day it was because it felt impossible that it had been only just the day before since we had last seen each other.
*sigh*
Today's title brought to you by: Marilyn - G-Eazy
So. There’s a lot to say and I don’t know if I’ll get through it all tonight but I’m going go until my fingers stop.
I moved back to my parents house in late April. They were away for a week and virtually every night I had one or another of my girls over. One night I was hanging out with A and another highschool best-friend, Mila just having drinks and catching up when my phone rings. Jake asks what I’m up to. It’s his last night in town and him and Luke didn’t have anything to do. I invited them over to join us. The girls were excited for me and I had to primp my hair and sit nervously wringing my hands waiting for them to arrive. Jake and Luke and A and Mila all knew each other from when Luke and I had dated.
Seeing Luke like that; in my comfort place, a drink in hand, my best girls at my side, it was very different. I felt like I could be myself more, and I could just sense him looking at me differently, not a lot, but just kind of remembering the way we could all have fun together. The whole house was full of conversation and laughter and for a while it felt like no time had passed between all of us. After a couple hours I could see that Jake was getting antsy to go home, but when I asked him and Luke were both kind of cutting each other off. Luke saying they’d stay, Jake saying they’d head out soon... I laughed and glowed inside.
After that night I sent Luke a message on facebook saying that it had been really nice seeing him again and if he were ever interested that he should let me know and we could hang out some time.
A week and some passed and I figured that it was pretty much a lost hope. Then one day he messaged me. We chatted for a bit and then he asked if I wanted to hang out. It was my first time seeing him alone since the day I saw him after he got back. We talked for three hours. Mostly he talked about his trip, and I nervously tried to say interesting and clever things. Being around him with all the unsaid things crowding my mind and cluttering my thoughts meant I had to try about 5 times harder to keep up a fluid conversation. Luckily I mostly just listened. I was happy to. I always wanted him to have adventures and enjoy his time away and most of the time I wished he could tell me and share that with me when he got back (minus the months spent trying to hate him). Though it’s hard for me to hear about him having the time of his life when I know that, meanwhile, I was left at home trying to piece my heart back together, it’s so worth it. I am so happy to be able to be someone that he can share his experiences with. I am so happy that he did all the things he did and that he really did have the time of his life. At least he didn’t leave me for mediocrity right?
After that initial time we started hanging out to blaze together. We’d go to the park at night, smoke a joint and talk about...whatever. A lot about traveling and his trip. About my future plans, and I’d sometimes try to slip in the things I did while he was away... Mardi Gras, Burning Man, the Dominican Republic, a camping trip-music festival... it doesn’t sound so bad, but compared to a year of adventures its just cookies. A lot of the time I was in my own head, even more than usual, trying to dissect his every silence and look. Sometimes I’d be convinced. He’d draw out taking me home, he’d suggest leaving and then put it off, he looked at me with those green eyes of his...and I was convinced, "there is no way this boy does not still have feelings for me." Other times I’d feel stupid and naiive. He’d sit in silence for what felt like minutes and I’d be thinking about us together, about swinging my swing a bit closer to brush his arm, and then he’d start talking again and pick up on the exact thought we left off on, and I’d realize that his silence wasn’t filled with thoughts of us like mine was.
Such confusion. So hard to be around him again and not be able to touch him or kiss him or even be open with him. All of these boundaries we both put up, stepping on eggshells and dancing around each other. A lot of my friends warned me against it, he’s leaving to go to Colombia to do his masters in the fall. Fucking over achiever. God I love him for it. Anyways as you can see it is an obvious pickle to have myself in.
Every second I spent with him was distorted. It all felt like time was stretched out because I was taking in every detail. Every movement, every word, every look, every energy, every thing I could grasp I had to catalog. Seconds and minutes passed like we were moving through syrup. Though, when it came time for us to go our separate ways, it was like the feeling you get when you dive into the water: bursting through the surface after those long quiet seconds below... everything became real again. Two hours suddenly felt like nothing at all, and I missed being around him immediately.
I could never get a read on him. Not now, not before, not ever. He’s always been impossible. He thinks so much but he keeps his feelings so close to his heart. Sometimes, very rarely, I see something that fits. A flash of caring, attraction, admiration, understanding... but I never really trust my readings on him because sometimes I am sooo wrong. Nevertheless, little things were starting to add together to suggest that there was more than just friendship from his side. One thing that really got me happened one weekend when I went to visit my cousin. Luke and I met up a few hours before my train to hang out on my patio and enjoy the sunshine. He seemed disappointed when I had to cut our time shorter than usual and offered to drive me to the train station. I spent that night with my cousin, helping her arrange things for her stag and doe, I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding (!). It was a fun, girly night and it gave my mind a rest to get away from all the Luke, although I still dreamt of him that night.
The next day when I got home I was thinking about how much I wanted to see him again, but resisted the temptation to ask. Later on when I got a message from him asking if I was around, I jumped at the chance. We did our usual smoke and chill in the park and in the course of our conversation something came up that we had talked about the last time we had seen each other. In discussing it, I was trying to figure out what day it was and when I had last seen him. We both got mixed up on what day it was because it felt impossible that it had been only just the day before since we had last seen each other.
*sigh*
Today's title brought to you by: Marilyn - G-Eazy
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