I don't know about my love, I don't know about my lovin' any more, All I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin'... might as well fall in

Hello again emptiness.
My love life never ceases to be a source of drama and excitement. Since coming back to school I have had to deal with the re-entrance of Luke into my life. Not to mention into my relationship with Aaron. Luke and I found a place and time to talk when he got back. It started with pleasantries and stupid small talk. Eventually it took a turn for the serious and went something like this:
Luke, “So how was your past semester?”
I roll my eyes and scoff under my breath
Luke, “What?”
Me, “Well it kinda sucked.”
Luke, “Because of me?”
Me, “Well yea kinda... some other stuff too. I duno.”
Luke, “Ahh... well. Sorry. Anyway I kinda have to get going, is there any reason you wanted to talk, ‘cause I don’t have anything to say.”
ouch...I've only been thinking about what you'd say at this moment for 9 months
Me, “Uh, um, yea well you know, I didn’t exactly want us to just run into each other on campus...”
Luke, “Yeah, yeah, of course. Me either.”
sure.
Me, “Yea. And, well, listen. If you want to hang out with my roommates or whatever, just do it at your place, okay? I don’t want you coming around the house.”
Luke, “Oh. Uh, yeah. That’s fair, that’s fair.”

And that was that. There was however a caveat. My wonderful friends had planned a reunion party at our place for the end of that week and they had invited Luke. I was not impressed but in my mind it was done. The events that unfolded over the next two weeks were hellish.
Aaron did not get invited to this party because I wanted to avoid conflict and I was nervous having them around each other. That has created the never ending fight. It’s understandable, I mean I leave Aaron heartbroken only a year and a half earlier after I leave him for Luke and now he’s not getting invited to parties at my house and Luke is. I’ve been kicking myself for a month and a half over it.
Beyond that, the next week, after promisepromisepromising to show Aaron how much I loved him we go out to the bars, I spend the time dancing with my girlfriend and then (so I've been told, my memory is void for about two hours) I proceeded to molest one of Aaron's best friends from home and tell him how well he could do at our University with the ladies.
fuuuuuuuckkkkmyyyyyylifffeee
After these two incidents we did ‘resolve’ the problems, but only after hours and hours and days of fighting. Our fights are vicious too. I am a defensive, sarcastic, bitch and he is an evil evil person. Some of the gem of insults and scary statements that left his mouth included, “how did you deal with this (getting heartbroken) ?! Should I go and get drunk and fuck some people?”, “If you leave me I will make your life hell”, “Why don’t you just go upstairs and cry by yourself... pathetic.”
Yeah. Vicious.
Eventually through some more problems that should have been minor but just weren’t because of everything else, our fights hit a breaking point. I screamed at him to get out of my house and two days later I broke up with him. It was a tearful and heart wrenching  goodbye. For the next three days I kept myself busy with school and the gym. It was really good in a, time-to-myself, kinda way. On the night of the fourth day we talked and he insisted that when I picked up my things we have a talk. I spent that night bawling my eyes out holding his football jersey to my face. It was a pitiful sight. My roommates told me to stay strong, but world, I am in love with this boy.
When we talked the next day I caved and we’ve been holdin’ on ever since. Everyone is cautiously supportive of us. They’re trying to hold a smile. They’ve dropped the attachment to Luke after his cold welcome home meet with me. Aaron and I have been doing well, although he takes up entirely too much of my time. I’m just so crazy about him, want to be with him every second. Sigh.
Today we fought. Last weekend we fought. Last weekend was rough. I wrote a friend about it, I’ll just post it here for a good summary.
October 9, 2011
Last night I had a really awful time with life. My ex showed up to a party I was at, no one warned me he might be there. I have been doing a great job of being over him, but seeing him still makes my stomach churn, ya know? Anyway I was brooding and upset and he didn't so much as glance my way. The only thing I've wanted from him since everything went down in January/February is a good explanation why. So because I knew it would just swirl around uncomfortably in my head if I didn't deal with it I confronted him before he left. I asked him to just be straight with me, was it that he was too busy, he didn't care enough, I was too difficult... what? He fed me some bullshit about how things got weird with us as soon as he left and then he got caught up, 'like I was in first year again.' AKA too busy drinking, partying and meeting people to give me the time of day. Jackass. So that crushed me all over again. I can't understand how someone who supposedly used to love me could be so fucking cold. I ended up taking a ridiculously expensive cab ride to get home, it was worth every penny.

I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time that night. Yes I was painfully heartbroken when Aaron and I weren’t together, but there was more control to it. Having my heart thrown back at me again was the ultimate final insult from Luke. Helpless despair. I took a full day to deal with it, but honestly I’m happy. I needed that final punch in the gut to really convince me that he is nothing like the person I was in love with. Now I feel like I can honestly let go. That person I knew left in January and he ain’t never comin’ back. Explaining why I had to confront Luke yet again was not easy to explain to Aaron. He was pretty hurt and scared. Understandably. I guess these are the traumas of getting into a relationship before your last one is out of your heart. But, this time I mean it when I say that the final nail has been hammered into the coffin load of dirt has been thrown on top of the coffin holding my relationship with Luke.

So now what? Well I’m just head over heels crazy for Aaron, but our fights aren’t getting much better. Less vicious, but still long and painful. I hoped some things might change after the break up. Some things have. He doesn’t shoot out the really bad insults. He’s not been overreacting to things. I’ve been more open about us and affectionate and inclusive towards him. Those basics have changed and it really has improved our relationship and made me truly happy. Today, though, the fight really put a splinter in my heart. I’m having issues trying to figure out if our fights will ever end, or ever be any less difficult. We seethe at each other. I’ve never been in a relationship where I've flip-flopped between passionate love and hate like this. It’s so draining and confusing. I can’t bear to let him go though, so we put a bandaid on a tumor and have make-up sex.




Only time will tell.

Today's title brought to you by: The Wilhelm Scream - James Blake

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

A couple months ago (mid-late, August) I started writing a post, but never got around to finishing it. Here it is...

I have been observing my friends in their relationships recently. I don't know if summer is setting and the romance of spring has faded, but my friends have been seriously questioning their relationships as August comes to a close. I understand questioning your relationship and yet staying in it, I am so sympathetic to not wanting to break someone's heart or be responsible for hurting your own. There is a time, however, when you need to step up to the plate and grow a pair. Two things that really bugged me about their contemplation were these:

1. Settling 
These girls were just convinced that they should not expect better of love. Either they were going to quit men cold turkey, or they were staying with their boys. At one point they were saying how they missed going out to bars and drinking and partying. If that's how you feel, you have a problem. If you are in a serious relationship and you can't have fun with your partner doing all the things that you love doing, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying end it, but think about how serious it really is, or maybe at least try doing all the things you feel you're missing out on with them, you might be surprised. If you do have serious problems like this or something else, please, please do not think, 'Hey! Whatever, that's life. Nothing's perfect.' No. You are wrong, love is not about settling, yes compromise is important, but not settling. When your relationship gets to a point that you are questioning your happiness and whether or not you should be with a person, you should not think that that is how love is supposed to be. It's not. Again, this is not to say that if you are discontent you should break up with your boy, but please look your problems in the face, point at them and say, 'Hey! You are a problem and I have to deal with you.'

My first love was a boy who I couldn't party with. He was terribly awkward and strange with first impressions. Quirkey boy, I loved him for it and haaated him for it. Imagine being an insecure, shy girl just going into university, and having a love sick computer gaming nerd hanging off you. This might be your cup of tea, and that's totally cool. For me it was awful. I wanted to meet people; recreate myself... or at least do some editing. After being locked up in a private school for 6 years I needed to know what was up with the rest of the world. I tried bringing Matt out. Bars, parties, even small hangouts, but I never felt comfortable. It put a serious strain on our relationship. He always felt like I would avoid him or distance myself in these situations, and he was right. Feeling like you can't go out with your boyfriend: you feel trapped. You feel like you can't do the things you want to do and you start to resent the person keeping you from it. Unless fixed this will only build and build until you make the decision to either end your relationship or you will cheat. It happened to me, and it's happened to two of my friends. I know now that I should not have brushed off my feelings. Even if recognizing our problem had lead to a painful break-up in the short term, it would have been nothing compared to the mess I dealt with in the long term. I understand that it's something to be learned first hand, but if you see the symptoms in your relationship, take a sec and think about it.

2. Not admitting you're afraid
I understand how heartbreaking, infuriating, depressing, self-deprecating, guilt ridden, and just generally difficult break-ups are. Believe me I do, but that's no excuse to stay in a relationship. In this chat that we all had together, another one of the reasons these girls wouldn't break up with their respective boyfriends was that they thought, if the break-up was going to be difficult, then maybe they weren't ready yet, when the break-up is meant to happen, it would be easy(er). This is a load of shit. Maybe you are in love, maybe you were, or maybe you just really cared for the person you are with. That does not mean that you should be in a relationship with them. There are so many other things in life that you have to remember. Even if you are in love, maybe you're not being treated right, or maybe you're letting the rest of your life slip... either way, it doesn't make any sense to stay in a relationship because it would be hard to get out of it. Break-ups are hard(!). There would not be so many self-help books on dealing with them if they were easy. While reading this, keep in mind that all these girls were complaining about their boys and were scratching the bottom of the barrel to figure out why they are still together. I am absolutely not saying that if you are going through a tough period of time or if you sometimes argue with your boyfriend you should break-up (more on this in next post). What I am saying is, don't make excuses for yourself. Be honest. Write down all the good things and all the bad things that your man makes you feel. Read them and imagine that your friend had come to you with the same issue and had written it for you to evaluate the pros and cons. Try to remove yourself from your relationship. Take a step back and really ask yourself if it is making you happier than it is sad. When you find the answer, don't think about if it will be easy or if it will make you unhappier in the short term than it would to just ignore the situation. Be honest to yourself like you would your best friend. It will be worth it in the end.



Today's title brought to you by: Someone Like You - Adele