My love life never ceases to be a source of drama and excitement. Since coming back to school I have had to deal with the re-entrance of Luke into my life. Not to mention into my relationship with Aaron. Luke and I found a place and time to talk when he got back. It started with pleasantries and stupid small talk. Eventually it took a turn for the serious and went something like this:
Luke, “So how was your past semester?”
I roll my eyes and scoff under my breath
Luke, “What?”
Me, “Well it kinda sucked.”
Luke, “Because of me?”
Me, “Well yea kinda... some other stuff too. I duno.”
Luke, “Ahh... well. Sorry. Anyway I kinda have to get going, is there any reason you wanted to talk, ‘cause I don’t have anything to say.”
ouch...I've only been thinking about what you'd say at this moment for 9 months
Me, “Uh, um, yea well you know, I didn’t exactly want us to just run into each other on campus...”
Luke, “Yeah, yeah, of course. Me either.”
sure.
Me, “Yea. And, well, listen. If you want to hang out with my roommates or whatever, just do it at your place, okay? I don’t want you coming around the house.”
Luke, “Oh. Uh, yeah. That’s fair, that’s fair.”
And that was that. There was however a caveat. My wonderful friends had planned a reunion party at our place for the end of that week and they had invited Luke. I was not impressed but in my mind it was done. The events that unfolded over the next two weeks were hellish.
Aaron did not get invited to this party because I wanted to avoid conflict and I was nervous having them around each other. That has created the never ending fight. It’s understandable, I mean I leave Aaron heartbroken only a year and a half earlier after I leave him for Luke and now he’s not getting invited to parties at my house and Luke is. I’ve been kicking myself for a month and a half over it.
Beyond that, the next week, after promisepromisepromising to show Aaron how much I loved him we go out to the bars, I spend the time dancing with my girlfriend and then (so I've been told, my memory is void for about two hours) I proceeded to molest one of Aaron's best friends from home and tell him how well he could do at our University with the ladies.
fuuuuuuuckkkkmyyyyyylifffeee
After these two incidents we did ‘resolve’ the problems, but only after hours and hours and days of fighting. Our fights are vicious too. I am a defensive, sarcastic, bitch and he is an evil evil person. Some of the gem of insults and scary statements that left his mouth included, “how did you deal with this (getting heartbroken) ?! Should I go and get drunk and fuck some people?”, “If you leave me I will make your life hell”, “Why don’t you just go upstairs and cry by yourself... pathetic.”
Yeah. Vicious.
Eventually through some more problems that should have been minor but just weren’t because of everything else, our fights hit a breaking point. I screamed at him to get out of my house and two days later I broke up with him. It was a tearful and heart wrenching goodbye. For the next three days I kept myself busy with school and the gym. It was really good in a, time-to-myself, kinda way. On the night of the fourth day we talked and he insisted that when I picked up my things we have a talk. I spent that night bawling my eyes out holding his football jersey to my face. It was a pitiful sight. My roommates told me to stay strong, but world, I am in love with this boy.
When we talked the next day I caved and we’ve been holdin’ on ever since. Everyone is cautiously supportive of us. They’re trying to hold a smile. They’ve dropped the attachment to Luke after his cold welcome home meet with me. Aaron and I have been doing well, although he takes up entirely too much of my time. I’m just so crazy about him, want to be with him every second. Sigh.
Today we fought. Last weekend we fought. Last weekend was rough. I wrote a friend about it, I’ll just post it here for a good summary.
October 9, 2011
Last night I had a really awful time with life. My ex showed up to a party I was at, no one warned me he might be there. I have been doing a great job of being over him, but seeing him still makes my stomach churn, ya know? Anyway I was brooding and upset and he didn't so much as glance my way. The only thing I've wanted from him since everything went down in January/February is a good explanation why. So because I knew it would just swirl around uncomfortably in my head if I didn't deal with it I confronted him before he left. I asked him to just be straight with me, was it that he was too busy, he didn't care enough, I was too difficult... what? He fed me some bullshit about how things got weird with us as soon as he left and then he got caught up, 'like I was in first year again.' AKA too busy drinking, partying and meeting people to give me the time of day. Jackass. So that crushed me all over again. I can't understand how someone who supposedly used to love me could be so fucking cold. I ended up taking a ridiculously expensive cab ride to get home, it was worth every penny.
I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time that night. Yes I was painfully heartbroken when Aaron and I weren’t together, but there was more control to it. Having my heart thrown back at me again was the ultimate final insult from Luke. Helpless despair. I took a full day to deal with it, but honestly I’m happy. I needed that final punch in the gut to really convince me that he is nothing like the person I was in love with. Now I feel like I can honestly let go. That person I knew left in January and he ain’t never comin’ back. Explaining why I had to confront Luke yet again was not easy to explain to Aaron. He was pretty hurt and scared. Understandably. I guess these are the traumas of getting into a relationship before your last one is out of your heart. But, this time I mean it when I say that the final
So now what? Well I’m just head over heels crazy for Aaron, but our fights aren’t getting much better. Less vicious, but still long and painful. I hoped some things might change after the break up. Some things have. He doesn’t shoot out the really bad insults. He’s not been overreacting to things. I’ve been more open about us and affectionate and inclusive towards him. Those basics have changed and it really has improved our relationship and made me truly happy. Today, though, the fight really put a splinter in my heart. I’m having issues trying to figure out if our fights will ever end, or ever be any less difficult. We seethe at each other. I’ve never been in a relationship where I've flip-flopped between passionate love and hate like this. It’s so draining and confusing. I can’t bear to let him go though, so we put a bandaid on a tumor and have make-up sex.
Only time will tell.
Today's title brought to you by: The Wilhelm Scream - James Blake
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