I'm not talkin' 'bout a year, not three or four. I don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore

So I sent the message. It said, "hello", just as my mother suggested. We have had a few back and forths. Very civil. Very fake. But that's not why I'm writing tonight.

I saw about a quarter of the movie, "Hallpass", and found myself so...ugh. They detail two sexless, listless, and boring marriages. Disgusted and ashamed of their husbands' sexual impulses the two wives decide to let their spouse, "free from marriage" for one week. I never saw the end of the movie, but I expect that it ended up with the Owen Wilson couple realizing their real love for each other and... lalala unicorns and rainbows. 
To me this movie displays such a problem with the way people view love. It normalizes sexless marriages and dull-drum feelings for the person you've committed your life to. We've all heard of the seven year itch, but call me naiive, I hope for more for myself. Every relationship that I've sustained has been heated and passionate. Fueled by mutual interests and a necessary level of comfort with each other; these are the things that make for true love. I'm not saying these are the only things, or that I think you have to constantly be about to rip each others' clothes off for the feelings to be real, but some level of attraction is essential. Anyways following this line of pondering I started thinking back to a rant I had written two years ago. It was when I was still dating Matt, but thinking about the boy I had been having a firey affair with all year.


February ?, 2009
    From the day she is born every little girl watches disney movies and dreams of her prince charming and the great adventures that life has in store for her. The world has a fascination with love, so much so that it is within nearly every book and every movie you will ever see. Think for a minute. Although there are many stories in which love is not the focus, romance is almost always buried in there somewhere. Movies and books tell us that love is all you need. With love you can conquer evil witches, and live forever. This is the love that sparks the two lovers to get married after only having met once, this is the love that creates happily ever afters, and lasts forever. But is this love real, or is it just the stuff of fairy tales?
    Psychologists and sociologists, and therapists have all boiled love down to chemicals and physiological reactions to certain stimulants. They have told us that there is infatuation, romantic/passionate love, and then real true love. Passionate love, they say, is what Disney teaches us. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, the heat rushing to your cheeks, and the complete lack of care for anything else in your life. When two people experience passionate love in real life, they forget about work, friends, family; everything, and their universe circles around the other. Some people may never find passionate love, some people find it again and again. What the scientists will tell you is that this kind of love is temporary. It will last as long as the pet goldfish you and your sweetums bought for your two month anniversary. Eventually you stop seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, and realize all the things you don’t like about your partner. Soul mates? Psh! Don’t exist. Finding true love is about hard work and trust. You have to build up to it. 1When you can find a compromise to every problem with that person, only then are you in real love, love that can last forever.
    If that is real love, count me out. I’ll keep hopping from one passionate relationship to the next. I want my prince, I want a white stallion, and I want to ride off into the sunset. I want to find the one person who suits me so well that every other man suddenly becomes as platonic to me as a brother. I want to find something that isn’t about hard work. I know that people say, anything worth having is worth working for, or something like that, but isn’t love supposed to be the exception? Shouldn’t cupid just shoot me down and that’s it? Off to the chapel with you, have lots of babies and grow old together. But no. Science says no, the divorce rates say no, and even my parents say no. I look at them and can tell that maybe at some point they acted like the heros in the fairy tales, but now, society has jaded them. They’re scientifically in love. They do love each other, they don’t fight, and they will probably never get a divorce. But where is the passion? Where’s the romance? I never see that.
    I’ve been reading a "self-help" book lately, “The Languages of Love”. It’s a great book, really valid advice, and I can see how it would be immensely helpful for a marriage in trouble. It teaches you how to communicate with your partner and make them feel loved. I do think that it’s important and that even in the most passionate of relationships, this book has some really relevant points. However, do I ever want to have to read a book to figure out how to like being with the person I’m with? No! I don’t want to ‘stay together for the kids’ I want to be madly, head over heels, smitten with my husband from the day we meet till the day we die. Is that as unrealistic as it sounds? I honestly don’t know. I’ve seen so many beautiful, passionate relationships crash and burn after a couple years or less. I don’t know if that’s the fate for everyone or not. I don’t want it to be.
    I believe my problem right now stems from the fact that I want something to be perfect. I’m not interested in a mediocre relationship that has lies and flaws and incomplete feelings. I know my boyfriend is head over heels for me, but at the same time I know he still harbors feelings for another girl. I know that they have a flirtatious relationship and that he probably still thinks about her. I also know that he will never leave me. If this relationship lasted another three years straight, I would still be the one to break it off. I honestly want nothing more than to feel the same way, to be as dedicated and completely in love as he is. But, I’m not. I still have strong feelings for my ex. Who I talk to way more than my boyfriend. My personal life, however, is not the point. What I’m getting at is my constant need for Disney love. As soon as I lose it with one person, I start looking for it with another.



Today's title brought to you by: Forever - Ben Harper

just called to say, hello. I couldnt sleep at all tonight and I know it's late, but I couldn't wait.

There is a black hole firmly lodged between my ribs. It's sucking every and all positive feelings into a dark oblivion. All that's left are anger, guilt, sadness, pity, disgust....the slime and gunk of emotion that stick to my insides like sap.

Luke is back. On day 1 he had nothing to do, so he went out for dinner with my two best friends/room mates. He's been back for a week now. I haven't heard from him since May.
My friends, formerly beside me, cheering me on as I hammered a nail into a board imagining Luke's face on it, are now telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with him, that he loved me all along, cares about me still, I need to see it from his point of view. He never meant to hurt me, he just didn't know what to do, thought it would be easier for me if he just cut off all contact.
Thanks guys! That really makes me feel 100% better.
NOT
If he cares about me, then why is it that I've had to find out that we are now habitating within the same country together for the first time in 8 months from people other than him? If he ever loved me why did he kick me to the curb and leave me in his dust? He may have cared about me, yes I know he did. I also believe that he still wants the best for me. Does that mean he's spent even five minutes considering how I feel now, or how his actions affect me? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I definitely lost this break up. For anyone who's been through a rough one with friends on either side, I'm sure you know what I mean. It's not that I feel I've lost my friends...yet. I feel like its all cracking and crumbling though. Luke's a charmer. One of the genuinely nicest people you'll ever meet, which pretty much puts a halo over his head. All of the shit I went through, the tears, the awful, horrible breakdowns are now in the past. It seems, in my friends eyes, I should just recover and accept him as a subsidiary part of my life.

But of course I do not want to. So what do I do? Nobody really knows or has any advice to give. Only my mother has stepped up as the key to wisdom. I am to be the bigger person and talk to him before I drive myself crazy. I don't think he deserves it from me. I don't think he deserves shit. But I don't deserve this hell either, and I'm never going to escape if I don't get to deal with him. So let's just say I do decide to deal with him. How the fuck do you start a conversation that's been 8 months in the making?

Of course the simplicity that only a mom can offer you, "start with hello."



Today's title brought to you by: Hello Again - Neil Diamond

Won't see it comin' when it happens, but when it happens your gonna feel it, let me tell you now, When love comes and knocks you down

So.

Things have changed pretty fucking fast. Luke's coming home in 8 days. 8 dayyyyyssss. God. I can't wrap my head around it. I've been thinking about August all year and now it's actually happening. I don't even know if he'll bother trying to talk to me. He has surgery like 5 days after he gets back so I'm guessing I am not a priority for his busy, busy life. I don't even know if I want him to anymore. I just wish he were never coming back, then I could have dealt with just getting over him instead of having to deal with losing him, getting over him, and then figuring out how to be when he's back in my life. Why is love so fucking complicated?

Things with Aaron have gone from fun to serious real fast. I'm crazy about him. I know he has been about me for the past two years pretty much... but things have been so good. He adores me and I do love to be adored (doesn't everyone?). He's so good to me, sweet and considerate.... and a-fucking-mazzzzzing in bed. Never hurts, right?
I've been getting a lot of shit from my friends about it. The ones who know anyway. We had a lot of issues when things were bad, and when he's angry he gets kinda crazy... not in the, 'oh shit I need to call women's helpline' or anything like that. Just...very emotional and meannnn. He's hit me with such low blows before. One of my favorites came up one time when I was being a tool and using the 'headache' excuse type thing after I had been practically on top of him the whole time we were out at the bars. He was not impressed, and that brought out his ugly, evil side who said coldly, "Don't think you can just come on to me now, you're not worth it anymore."
Ouch.
This is what I refused to put up with when we were just fucking around. I'm not taking emotional abuse for nothing. I know I probably shouldn't have to take it at all, but its gotten to the point that it's worth it? I know that sounds fucked up but hopefully someone out there knows what I mean. 99% of the time he treats me like a princess. He only hurts me when I've hurt him.

I have no idea how long it will last or if I'll be able to hold out against the pressure of my friends, but that's pretty much where I stand now. Wish me luck....


Today's title brought to you by: Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West