they got me thinkin' I ain't human, like I came from above, above, above, above, feelin' like a bird sittin' high

Well folks I was completely wrong about the leave date of my knight in shining armor. He's been Australia for about a week now. Whoops... so anyway that solved that dilemma for better or worse.

So I guess I've kinda been wheelin and dealin lately and added a few more notches to my belt. I'm not feeling too good about it tonight. It's not that I'm wishing to find love or a relationship, because I know that isn't what I want. However after last night, these random encounters are starting to make me feel like a piece of poop.

While my friends Kaitlyn and Alex and I were at a ski resort with my family over the Christmas break past we met a guy. We all met on the first night and every night after that ended up seeing him at the bar and going to some sort of after party with him. On the last night I decided that he was actually pretty awesome and I made out with him on the d.floor. Later at the after party things got a little crazy and pretty much it was me, Kaitlyn and three naked guys in a sauna. Just to make it clear, Kaitlyn and I were not part of the sweaty-naked club. Anyway we're passin' around a little joint and one of the guys asks me if I've ever shared a hit with anyone (first person inhales, both people put mouths together and first person exhales while second person inhales), I say yea, of course, so we do one of those. Then I demand that Kaitlyn and our friend Brent do the same. So they make out a little bit too. Now this was the last night and the ski resort is about three hours from where Kaitlyn and I go to school, so it was pretty much good bye to Brent.

Not so. A couple weeks ago he texts us saying he's going to come down and visit us for a night. That night was last night. Everything started well, we hung out, Kaitlyn got ready and I entertained Brent. Now I don't know about everyone else, but I think my room says a lot about me. This may very well be because my walls are splattered with my personality. Pictures, drawings, band posters, quotes, maps, cards, souvenirs, you name it, it's on a wall in my room. So for this reason when I have people into my room I always find it interesting to see if they react to it all. Brent totally did. He commented on my Dylan poster and my pictures and somehow managed to tell my identical dogs apart just from me telling him their names. Two points for Brent.

The night goes on, a bunch of our friends (all girls) get together with the three of us for pitchers and wings at a bar downtown. Like good Canadians we watched an NHL skills competition on any of the twenty tvs in there and drank good ol' Alexander Keiths. Around 11 we decide to move upstairs to the club.
11pm on a Saturday isn't quite busy time for our town, the bars don't really fill up until around midnight. There we were, the seven of us in the bar drinking away waiting for the dancefloor to fill up. In the meantime Brent makes it his personal duty to ensure that dancing is started immediately, so he's out there ragin' hard for the team, trying to get people pumped. Now he looked like an idiot, but he was sweet and I loved the way he didn't give a fuck what people thought. So we're all drinking and dancing and having a good time, and then I start to feel kinda queezy and decide that I just feel like going and chilling at home. Brent decides he wants to come with me.
We get back to the place and chill for about 5 minutes before things start happening. We hooked up for a whillllllleeee and he is rough in bed. I have major bruises. Was really good but just a little much. So after our awesome sex we go downstairs to smoke some and chill out. As we are chillin there he starts going on about how he feels like talking to people and socializing and I'm kinda just sitting there thinking.... gee thanks. But then he drops the real bombshell. He says to me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really into Kaitlyn. She's just such a chillin cool girl, and she reminds me of my ex."

Cool. Thanks bro.

Ever feel completely and utterly used? Sucks ass. I've spent all day wallowing in confusion and self-pity. I can't decide if I deserved this or not. I mean obviously no one deserves that, but I feel like, well I think the people around me feel like, I brought this on myself. Shouldn't go sleepin around and makin yourself so available. I guess.

I mean I get what they're saying, you hook up with someone you don't know that well, unexpected events may occur. That being said though, would you ever go home with somebody if you were interested in their friend? Like... I don't know I'm not looking for a boyfriend here, it would just be nice if the guys I have sex with were actually interested in me. I don't know anymore. I am a very sexually open person, I like sex, I like flirting, I like meeting people. Does that make me easy? Maybe. I don't know, but should it matter? I'm honest with myself about my actions and I'm comfortable with it. Not like a year ago when I was doing it because I needed attention and craved intimacy. This I do because it's fun and I enjoy it. I've just had some serious bad luck lately. It seems like that's not what guys want anymore. I feel crazy because apparently I'm searching for the un-findable. All I want is someone who I am attracted to, have good chemistry with, and can hang out with. I don't want to date, I don't want to commit, but I don't want to keep being that slutty chick who bangs anyone she thinks is cool. I keep looking for these little connections. Just some semblance of sex and personality. I was joking with my friend recently about how hard it is to find someone with interests and ideas, and though we were laughing, we were also completely serious and it is really effing depressing.

Too much Jersey Shore turning peoples' brains to mush. Like should it really be a challenge to find somebody who doesn't have a twitter account? That's always a minus two points. I duno. My rambling thoughts have not helped me sort this one out today.



Today's title brought to you by: Man on the Moon - Kid CuDi

you've got me in a spin, and what a spin I'm in, 'cause I don't know enough about you

Alright well if I actually had any readers this would be a time to ask for advice. However, I’m quite sure it’s just me and the endless internet, but whatever gotta do it.

Last week I met a boy. When he came into the party I turned to my friend and immediately asked her to introduced me. Like the good wing girl she is, Kaitlyn intro-ed us and sneakily walked away. First of all, he’s gorgeous. Taller than me by a couple inches (being 5’’11, this is a major plus), gorgeous face, kinda golden blonde and peachy tan. This was my immediate motivation for chatting with him, however within the first 10 minutes it was way more than that. He is a rock climbing, snow boarding, well-read, humanitarian who whooped my ass when we started to chat politics. I am smitten. He’s been to Africa on a volunteer trip as an student aide worker and has already been accepted to medical school. In other words, he’s effing perfect.

Okay but of course he isn’t actually perfect. Life never goes like that really. The one thing that all my friends were quick to jump on: he has a glass eye. Yea a weird one, I’ve never met anyone with one before. When we met it was dark and I seriously could not tell, so I’m not sure how it looks or if it wanders.. or what not, but considering all his other shining traits, I could honestly care less. So to the real downside:

He’s leaving to go to Australia for med school.

I really can pick em. While we were talking I realized how much he reminded me of Luke, except better for his interest in politics and humanitarian issues. Him being like Luke to me was a good thing, because, shit, I’m still not over Luke. Clearly I loved a big part of him, and it would be good to find that in someone else. But this is too much, someone just like Luke who is also leaving for Australia in around a year after we meet. FML so so so much.

As you might imagine I’m in dilemma mode. While at the party, we talked for an hour and made out (great kisser toooooooo). I am a dumbass, though, and didn’t get his number. So the next day I searched him out on facebook and sent him a message telling him I really enjoyed talking to him and would he like to do it again sometime. It took him three agonizing days to reply, but when he did it happened to be on Christmas which made it a very merry Christmas for me. As I’m sure you can guess by my cheer, he said that he’d love to get together sometime, so a few days later I replied saying great and told him when I’d be around. At very least, we can get coffee, at most, married.
Hah, I’m joking...

Mostly. So there you have it. Possibly another chance to get my heart eaten up by Australia and spend another agonizing year trying to recover. But god I don’t think I can let someone as amazing as him just walk out of my life without knowing what could be...
Stupid heart


Today's title brought to you by: Don't Know Enough About You - Diana Krall