Well folks I was completely wrong about the leave date of my knight in shining armor. He's been Australia for about a week now. Whoops... so anyway that solved that dilemma for better or worse.
So I guess I've kinda been wheelin and dealin lately and added a few more notches to my belt. I'm not feeling too good about it tonight. It's not that I'm wishing to find love or a relationship, because I know that isn't what I want. However after last night, these random encounters are starting to make me feel like a piece of poop.
While my friends Kaitlyn and Alex and I were at a ski resort with my family over the Christmas break past we met a guy. We all met on the first night and every night after that ended up seeing him at the bar and going to some sort of after party with him. On the last night I decided that he was actually pretty awesome and I made out with him on the d.floor. Later at the after party things got a little crazy and pretty much it was me, Kaitlyn and three naked guys in a sauna. Just to make it clear, Kaitlyn and I were not part of the sweaty-naked club. Anyway we're passin' around a little joint and one of the guys asks me if I've ever shared a hit with anyone (first person inhales, both people put mouths together and first person exhales while second person inhales), I say yea, of course, so we do one of those. Then I demand that Kaitlyn and our friend Brent do the same. So they make out a little bit too. Now this was the last night and the ski resort is about three hours from where Kaitlyn and I go to school, so it was pretty much good bye to Brent.
Not so. A couple weeks ago he texts us saying he's going to come down and visit us for a night. That night was last night. Everything started well, we hung out, Kaitlyn got ready and I entertained Brent. Now I don't know about everyone else, but I think my room says a lot about me. This may very well be because my walls are splattered with my personality. Pictures, drawings, band posters, quotes, maps, cards, souvenirs, you name it, it's on a wall in my room. So for this reason when I have people into my room I always find it interesting to see if they react to it all. Brent totally did. He commented on my Dylan poster and my pictures and somehow managed to tell my identical dogs apart just from me telling him their names. Two points for Brent.
The night goes on, a bunch of our friends (all girls) get together with the three of us for pitchers and wings at a bar downtown. Like good Canadians we watched an NHL skills competition on any of the twenty tvs in there and drank good ol' Alexander Keiths. Around 11 we decide to move upstairs to the club.
11pm on a Saturday isn't quite busy time for our town, the bars don't really fill up until around midnight. There we were, the seven of us in the bar drinking away waiting for the dancefloor to fill up. In the meantime Brent makes it his personal duty to ensure that dancing is started immediately, so he's out there ragin' hard for the team, trying to get people pumped. Now he looked like an idiot, but he was sweet and I loved the way he didn't give a fuck what people thought. So we're all drinking and dancing and having a good time, and then I start to feel kinda queezy and decide that I just feel like going and chilling at home. Brent decides he wants to come with me.
We get back to the place and chill for about 5 minutes before things start happening. We hooked up for a whillllllleeee and he is rough in bed. I have major bruises. Was really good but just a little much. So after our awesome sex we go downstairs to smoke some and chill out. As we are chillin there he starts going on about how he feels like talking to people and socializing and I'm kinda just sitting there thinking.... gee thanks. But then he drops the real bombshell. He says to me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really into Kaitlyn. She's just such a chillin cool girl, and she reminds me of my ex."
Cool. Thanks bro.
Ever feel completely and utterly used? Sucks ass. I've spent all day wallowing in confusion and self-pity. I can't decide if I deserved this or not. I mean obviously no one deserves that, but I feel like, well I think the people around me feel like, I brought this on myself. Shouldn't go sleepin around and makin yourself so available. I guess.
I mean I get what they're saying, you hook up with someone you don't know that well, unexpected events may occur. That being said though, would you ever go home with somebody if you were interested in their friend? Like... I don't know I'm not looking for a boyfriend here, it would just be nice if the guys I have sex with were actually interested in me. I don't know anymore. I am a very sexually open person, I like sex, I like flirting, I like meeting people. Does that make me easy? Maybe. I don't know, but should it matter? I'm honest with myself about my actions and I'm comfortable with it. Not like a year ago when I was doing it because I needed attention and craved intimacy. This I do because it's fun and I enjoy it. I've just had some serious bad luck lately. It seems like that's not what guys want anymore. I feel crazy because apparently I'm searching for the un-findable. All I want is someone who I am attracted to, have good chemistry with, and can hang out with. I don't want to date, I don't want to commit, but I don't want to keep being that slutty chick who bangs anyone she thinks is cool. I keep looking for these little connections. Just some semblance of sex and personality. I was joking with my friend recently about how hard it is to find someone with interests and ideas, and though we were laughing, we were also completely serious and it is really effing depressing.
Too much Jersey Shore turning peoples' brains to mush. Like should it really be a challenge to find somebody who doesn't have a twitter account? That's always a minus two points. I duno. My rambling thoughts have not helped me sort this one out today.
Today's title brought to you by: Man on the Moon - Kid CuDi
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