On March 10th I went to spend time with my good friend Jake, who happens to be Luke's roommate. I ended up going to Jake's house because... he invited me and I decided I was ready. A (my best friend) bitched me out. Really harshly, told me I was a fuckin' idiot. Whatever. I felt like at this point I've done everything I could to get over Luke except actually spend time with him. I thought maybe I had been idealizing him and our relationship as a whole and maybe that if I saw him I could get past it all.
This is my journal entry from when I got home that night.
Tonight I went to hang out with Jake at his house and Luke was there. I was a little hesitant at first, but I really wanted to not make tonight another pathetic sob story.
It was so fun.
We hung out like we used to in second year. Luke and I still work off each other so well. We make the same jokes and observations. It felt like the period of time when we were both interested in each other but we knew we weren't supposed to be.
The way he looked at me was the same way i know I was looking at him. Not, ohmygawdIamsoinlove, just this kind of, interest and respect... admiration kind of. The connection is just the same as ever, we've both changed, but we're both so the same.
I don't know if he'll admit it to himself because obviously we have no where to go, no way to act on this, but god.
I fucking love him.
It's been one year and three months and when I looked him in the eyes, when we laughed at each others' jokes, when we flowed just as easily as ever, I know all that time wasn't stupid.
This is not my crazy never ending, pathetic heartbreak. This isn't me idealizing, this isn't me desperate and lonely.
This is me in love with someone i know it wasn't supposed to be over with.
He is right for me, he is. I don't know if I'm right for him yet, but he makes me want to be. Seeing Luke for one hour was the single most positively motivating experience I could have.
After all this you might think that I would be depressed, I mean, the guy's in a serious relationship with someone else, we do not have opportunities or reasons to see each other... sounds pretty bleak.
But I'm not sad. I feel better than i've felt in a while; so reassured. I guess it's like I've spent all this time wondering, doubting, second guessing. Now I know, I'm just so sure that there's a future for us. We have to come back to each other. This is not what over feels like.
I don't feel I can tell anyone this because it sounds friggen delusional and like I'm just setting myself up for another heartbreak. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm being naiive, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like this is the first sign of my sanity I've had for so long.
I can't get over Luke because I'm not supposed to.
Well kids there ya go.
Almost a month later, now I feel slightly different. I'm weeks away from graduating, and once I do, the chances I will have to see Luke again will dwindle very significantly. In light of this impending reality I have been trying to accept that while I may need a relationship like the one I had with Luke, it may end up not, in fact, being with Luke. I know this probably seems like it should have been obvious to me a long time ago. Honestly, it was. After seeing him, the lines got blurred again. I really do miss him and think about him all the time. I still honestly think that if we did come back together somehow he would be the one I marry. But no, I don't think there's a huge probability of this happening and I'm not trying to build my expectations of a future with him up to be disappointed. I don't really know what to say. I'm trying to move forward and not think about it all, but the truth of it at the end of the day remains that he is who I imagine running into when I get ready in the morning, and who I dream of being with at night.
Today's title brought to you by: The One - Zeds Dead ft. Omar Linx
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