It’s a lot to try and wrap my head around... I haven’t been able to emotionally react to it yet. It’s so much to take in; moving out of my house of three years, saying goodbye to some people who I cared about and not knowing when I’ll see them again, knowing that I’m leaving the student life behind... at least for a few years. It’s a big change. A lot to let go of.
All of my serious relationships have started and ended in these past few university years. With the exception of having started dating Matt at the end of highschool. That feels close enough though, and our relationship certainly was a big part of my undergrad experience. Don’t get me wrong, there would be a lot more to my university motion picture than just the leading men. My girls are always the stars off the show and parting with them has been hard, but the thing is, I know they’re not gone. I know I won’t stop seeing them, there is no letting go of those relationships, just a shift; a change. It’s getting used to not being able to go down the hall or to our basement and talk to one of my best friends. It’s not easy and I am sad, but the relationships that make being down the hall from someone so awesome aren’t going anywhere. With Matt, Jeremy, Brian, Aaron and Luke, leaving university means really severing those ties. This has been on my mind a lot.
Of course when you break up with someone there is a severing of a tie. You are ending that relationship, and depending on the circumstances, maybe you’re ending it with no questions of re-opening it. The thing about dating guys I went to school with is that there is always a certain ‘potentiality’ for something more to happen. It’s never wholly over. I suppose you could argue that as long as two people are still alive they could find some way to come back together, but the fact is, our university was a small place and I did run into all of them (excluding Brian who dropped out and got married...) after our relationships had ended. Though after second year there was never a question of anything ever re-igniting between myself and Jeremy, he was still around, and in some peripheral way, still in my life. It didn’t have to mean that I was talking to him or that we’d see each other much, but there was the potential. Now there isn’t.
Besides the direct change of potentiality, there’s also the letting go of all the memories. All the places that meant something to me; to that part of my life. As I’ve said, with my friends though it’s hard to see those places go, I also know there will be so many more places that will mean the same for us. With Matt and Aaron and Luke (because those are the ones I’m really struggling with), it’s accepting that these people who know me in a way that no one else does and hold pieces of me that no one else can are really gone from my life. I have to put those memories and feelings behind me and start building a new path.
Letting go of Luke has been consuming. I think about it constantly, and I don’t know how to accept it. A few weeks ago I was happy because I had this certainty of our clandestine relationship; someday we would, we had to, be together again. Now, facing the reality of him and I no longer sharing a common space, that our mutual friends have gone their own ways, I am all out of excuses to see him.
I guess before I left, I hoped to see him again, but I wasn’t actively pursing it. On 4.2o I was celebrating the holiday with a bunch of my closest friends from the past few years. Because of the big group, Luke was there. We have too many overlapping friends for him not to have been there that day. For the most part we sat in separate circles from each other and didn’t talk. Near the end of the day he came over and hung out with us, talked to Kaitlyn, and A, who had come to visit, but he pretty well avoided any direct conversation with me. I found it kind of strange that his girlfriend hadn’t made an appearance and thought that things were slightly weirder than usual, but put my hopeful thoughts aside. Later that night after Luke was long gone, I heard from Ness who’s friend happens to be acquaintances with Luke’s
I think my subconscious acted on its own and found a way to let me see him again. Since I didn’t get much of a chance to see Jake before my last day in our town I text him and asked if he could make time for us to hang out again before I left. Jake’s been Luke’s best friend since first year. When Luke and I began getting close and while I was practically living with Aaron in the house he shared with Jeremy, Luke, Jake and another of their friends, Jake and I got close. Luke and I went with Jake’s, on-and-off, awful, succubus, girlfriend, Margo, to Maine state to visit Jake in his home town. One of the best vacations of my life, Luke told me he loved me there. Anyhow, the four of us plus Kaitlyn ended up hanging out last night for a couple hours. Just like the last time I was there, things were as ever with Luke and I. The friendly tension. The easy ability to talk to each other. As comfortably uncomfortable as possible. The knowledge that we were both not seeing anyone, I think made it much more meaningful...at least for me. When Kaitlyn got restless and it was time to go, Luke offered us a ride home. Sitting in the front seat of his car with him like I had so many times before, and yet completely unlike all those times. My heart was bleeding through the seams.
When I got out of his car at my house, I looked at him in his eyes and said, “If I don’t see you, take care.” I don’t know if he could possibly read everything that I meant by that. All the unsaid feelings I was trying to convey. My sadness at this maybe being our last goodbye. My whole hearted wish that he take care; that he was happy; that he did well and got what he wanted... That’s a lot to ask someone to gather from a look. But more has been said with less.
I dreamt about him last night. I constantly try to imagine situations where I could see him again. Maybe I’d go visit Jake in New York and they would be living together, maybe he’d message me and tell me he wanted to see me again, maybe at a reunion party thrown by our mutual friends.... something, some way. My dreams for weeks... at least twice a week, bring me to this faux reality where only my feelings are real. They give me him back, sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a glimpse. Last night it was long enough for a kiss. In the last two dreams I’ve woken up because within the dream I think to myself, finally after all this time my dreams are actually reality, and then for a split second I question it, and I wake up. The realization is the worst feeling. Disappointment on a tragic scale.
I don’t know.
I read a long time ago on a blog (link at the bottom) that you never really fall out of love with someone. The love that you create with a person stays within you until you change as a person. It doesn’t have to be monumental change, but until you are no longer the person you were when you fell in love with someone, you will not be able to get over them. Looking back on my past relationships this really resonates within my experience. I have changed so much since Matt, Brian and Jeremy. Even since Aaron. This fact seems most true when I think of how I’ve changed since Aaron. It’s not a big change, it was only months ago, I haven’t exactly had revolutionary break throughs. Nevertheless, a part of me, one that was with me all through my relationship with Luke, has faded away. The part of me that put up with his abuse and guilt. The part of me that needed to be adored by the person I’m with, and the part of my that didn’t have the self control to let that go.
For all the reasons I was right for Luke and him for me, I don’t think I’ve changed. If anything, the qualities that brought us together have only grown within me. I can’t get passed him as the person that I am right now. The worst part is, I really like the person I am right now.
link to blog, its amazing: http://www.sleeptrip.com/belongings/sizz1.html
Today's title brought to you by: Heart's a Mess - Goyte
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