Part One
So. There’s a lot to say and I don’t know if I’ll get through it all tonight but I’m going go until my fingers stop.
I moved back to my parents house in late April. They were away for a week and virtually every night I had one or another of my girls over. One night I was hanging out with A and another highschool best-friend, Mila just having drinks and catching up when my phone rings. Jake asks what I’m up to. It’s his last night in town and him and Luke didn’t have anything to do. I invited them over to join us. The girls were excited for me and I had to primp my hair and sit nervously wringing my hands waiting for them to arrive. Jake and Luke and A and Mila all knew each other from when Luke and I had dated.
Seeing Luke like that; in my comfort place, a drink in hand, my best girls at my side, it was very different. I felt like I could be myself more, and I could just sense him looking at me differently, not a lot, but just kind of remembering the way we could all have fun together. The whole house was full of conversation and laughter and for a while it felt like no time had passed between all of us. After a couple hours I could see that Jake was getting antsy to go home, but when I asked him and Luke were both kind of cutting each other off. Luke saying they’d stay, Jake saying they’d head out soon... I laughed and glowed inside.
After that night I sent Luke a message on facebook saying that it had been really nice seeing him again and if he were ever interested that he should let me know and we could hang out some time.
A week and some passed and I figured that it was pretty much a lost hope. Then one day he messaged me. We chatted for a bit and then he asked if I wanted to hang out. It was my first time seeing him alone since the day I saw him after he got back. We talked for three hours. Mostly he talked about his trip, and I nervously tried to say interesting and clever things. Being around him with all the unsaid things crowding my mind and cluttering my thoughts meant I had to try about 5 times harder to keep up a fluid conversation. Luckily I mostly just listened. I was happy to. I always wanted him to have adventures and enjoy his time away and most of the time I wished he could tell me and share that with me when he got back (minus the months spent trying to hate him). Though it’s hard for me to hear about him having the time of his life when I know that, meanwhile, I was left at home trying to piece my heart back together, it’s so worth it. I am so happy to be able to be someone that he can share his experiences with. I am so happy that he did all the things he did and that he really did have the time of his life. At least he didn’t leave me for mediocrity right?
After that initial time we started hanging out to blaze together. We’d go to the park at night, smoke a joint and talk about...whatever. A lot about traveling and his trip. About my future plans, and I’d sometimes try to slip in the things I did while he was away... Mardi Gras, Burning Man, the Dominican Republic, a camping trip-music festival... it doesn’t sound so bad, but compared to a year of adventures its just cookies. A lot of the time I was in my own head, even more than usual, trying to dissect his every silence and look. Sometimes I’d be convinced. He’d draw out taking me home, he’d suggest leaving and then put it off, he looked at me with those green eyes of his...and I was convinced, "there is no way this boy does not still have feelings for me." Other times I’d feel stupid and naiive. He’d sit in silence for what felt like minutes and I’d be thinking about us together, about swinging my swing a bit closer to brush his arm, and then he’d start talking again and pick up on the exact thought we left off on, and I’d realize that his silence wasn’t filled with thoughts of us like mine was.
Such confusion. So hard to be around him again and not be able to touch him or kiss him or even be open with him. All of these boundaries we both put up, stepping on eggshells and dancing around each other. A lot of my friends warned me against it, he’s leaving to go to Colombia to do his masters in the fall. Fucking over achiever. God I love him for it. Anyways as you can see it is an obvious pickle to have myself in.
Every second I spent with him was distorted. It all felt like time was stretched out because I was taking in every detail. Every movement, every word, every look, every energy, every thing I could grasp I had to catalog. Seconds and minutes passed like we were moving through syrup. Though, when it came time for us to go our separate ways, it was like the feeling you get when you dive into the water: bursting through the surface after those long quiet seconds below... everything became real again. Two hours suddenly felt like nothing at all, and I missed being around him immediately.
I could never get a read on him. Not now, not before, not ever. He’s always been impossible. He thinks so much but he keeps his feelings so close to his heart. Sometimes, very rarely, I see something that fits. A flash of caring, attraction, admiration, understanding... but I never really trust my readings on him because sometimes I am sooo wrong. Nevertheless, little things were starting to add together to suggest that there was more than just friendship from his side. One thing that really got me happened one weekend when I went to visit my cousin. Luke and I met up a few hours before my train to hang out on my patio and enjoy the sunshine. He seemed disappointed when I had to cut our time shorter than usual and offered to drive me to the train station. I spent that night with my cousin, helping her arrange things for her stag and doe, I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding (!). It was a fun, girly night and it gave my mind a rest to get away from all the Luke, although I still dreamt of him that night.
The next day when I got home I was thinking about how much I wanted to see him again, but resisted the temptation to ask. Later on when I got a message from him asking if I was around, I jumped at the chance. We did our usual smoke and chill in the park and in the course of our conversation something came up that we had talked about the last time we had seen each other. In discussing it, I was trying to figure out what day it was and when I had last seen him. We both got mixed up on what day it was because it felt impossible that it had been only just the day before since we had last seen each other.
*sigh*
Today's title brought to you by: Marilyn - G-Eazy
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