Now
Now...well, now we're hooking up on a regular basis; in his car, while my parents are at work.. I've legitimately given up on trying to be any more than just fuck buddies with him (but probably not really). It's crazy, I've seriously done fuck-buddies with.. Matt, Brian, Jeremy, Aaron.. every single one of my other relationships(!), at one point or another, but never, ever like this. Whenever I did 'fuck-buddies' with any of my exs, it was a tornado of cheating, lying, break ups and make ups, and the eventual, tornado-meets-train-crash, type end. Besides these efforts I've tried it on different occasions with two other people. All massive failures. The former group of which none, were even remotely, 'buddy'-esque. The latter group resulting in an unfortunate, one sided deal, where I was the buddy and they were fucked. Both boys have ceased communication with me. Can't really blame them, don't really care. I mean I miss them as friends, they were good guys, fun, but not relationship material. C'est la vie.
Getting to the point: being fuck buddies with Luke is exactly what you're supposed to expect from 'fuck-buddies'. We hook up sometimes, don't talk more than necessary, only ever kiss, touch or are intimate during sex, and never make affectionate comments. After all my other experiences, I thought I had the whole 'fuck-buddies' thing figured out- namely: it is never what it's supposed to be. Apparently, and who am I kidding, unsurprisingly, with Luke, what you see is what you get. If that boy is anything he is practical. Motherfucking practical. So here I am, fulfilling my dreams of finally kissing, touching, and being with Luke, except, oh wait!, we're not inloveandhappilyeverafter RAINBOWS. *sigh*
I can never decide how to feel about it. Hence today's title. Sometimes (tonight) I get down about the fact that I've been life-slapped in the face and my dreams do not live up to reality. Sometimes Luke pisses me off with his incessant talk of his future plans and doing, this-and-that thing some day and I can't handle it. I still love the kid, don't think I can let it go that easily. I just think right now he's really fucking selfish. All the thinks about is his next step, the next challenge for him. I'm not saying I expect him to include people in these plans, although I don't think that's unreasonable, but he doesn't even take interest in other peoples' plans most the time. I'd like a smoke-m'-walk where we have a good philosophical conversation about things happening right now, or ideas and thoughts that don't have a time frame. Even the other night, I tried to do this exact thing, bringing up an article I discussed with my family about the social rhetoric surrounding single people. Basically the article suggesting that singles are relegated to a lower social rung, referred to as, 'exes', 'divorcees', or 'widows/ers'. All very negative words. Besides this, there's the social obsession with people just being halves of a whole; your life is not complete without a partner. My blog of course being case and point, hah. Anyways, Luke and I discussed it for about 5 minutes before he segued into his usual talk.
"I think that people are definitely supposed to share their lives with someone else, it's natural to want a partner, but I definitely think there are some times where it's best to be single. You know, times in your life where you really benefit from being alone. I'm really happy right now because so much is changing, I'm leaving for New York and then who knows how long I'll be there....................." RAWR
I don't think it's a bad thing that Luke wants to focus on himself right now, nor do I think it's bad he wants to be single. I'm so proud of him for being the ambitious, driven person he is. Honestly though? He needs to open up his eyes. I'm not the only one he neglects. Jake falls by the way side too sometimes.
When I think about these things, and how, business, Luke is right now, I know it's better we're not together. Even if we could be together, he'd never be what I need out of a relationship. Honestly, I'm leaving to travel in the next 6 months, and I don't my heart to get left behind. I have a lot of things to do and I am okay with being single. Sort of.
Bleh.
I guess, hah, I'm laughing as I realize what I'm about to type, but, I guess that right now I understand how impractical it is for us to be together. Being single still kinda sucks (do not have enough to keep busy). When I think about my dreams compared to reality it kinda sucks, but over all I do think it's best. I read a Chuck Palahniuk book recently and it said something worth repeating:
"No, it's not fair, but what makes earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it should feel like Heaven. Earth is earth."
That's my problem. I've always been such a goddamn romantic that I can't deal with this utter lack of hysteric emotion. No more heart break sorrow, because to a degree I have him back, but no blissful love, as expected. It's a dull but introspectively interesting time of life, I must say.
I'll leave ya with one last thing to think about. Maybe if someone else does I'll be able to stop.
In a week and a half I'm leaving with Luke to meet Margo and Jake in Jake's hometown in Maine state. For the record, yes, Jake and Margo are back together, shocking, shocking. This is the same and very place I went with these exact people two years ago, where Luke told me he loved me.
A quote, oddly enough from, The Matrix, "Some things never change, and some things do." It sounds obvious and redundantly simple, but man, if this hasn't been one of the truest phrases spoken, I don't know what is.
Today's title brought to you by: Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes
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