July 18 2011
So now you're coming home,
we haven't spoken in months.
Last time I looked into your eyes they still loved me.
Last time I touched you,
you told me how much you'd miss me.
Then what? -------------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm here,
feeling the tide swelling yet again;
heartbreak bubbling through my veins.
Helpless.
Will you even call me?
Want to see me?
Did you ever think of me, and do you now?
I did.
Every day.
I still do.
Every day.
I don't know if we still are who we were, but until I can get you back
into,
or completely
out of,
my head,
my heart,
I'm lost.
Today's title brought to you by: Rolling in the Deep - Adele
Sunday, 17 July 2011
You know it ain't easy, for these thoughts to leave me, these feelings won't go away, they keep knockin me sideways
March 06 2011
I think the hardest part about getting your heart broken is trying to decide what was real. When I think about Luke and I it just seems so confusing. Why and how could he seem to love me so much, but then just forget about me? How am I supposed to believe that he meant any of it. I read his letter again and he makes it sound like he wants to talk to me all the time and when he gets back we're all but a sure thing. Then he leaves and it's like none of it ever happened. It's like I woke up from a dream. I hate it. Nothing we had means what it used to; what I thought it would. Puts past relationships in perspective. I understand now why they asked if I really loved them. Of course with Jeremy and Brian the answer is that I didn't. But with Matt... He does know I did, now, I'm sure of it. He questioned it at the time though. And I used to get so offended, so hurt that he could question everything we had. But how could he not have? I can't stop. All I want to do is ask Luke, do you think of me? Do you miss me, truly? Does your heart ache sometimes, and don't you just wish you could feel my skin against yours? Just sometimes, don't you?
But all these questions echo around my head unanswered.
I've been told I'm not dealing with it very well. But I have no idea how to and no one else has a clue how I feel.
-------------
In this post I refer to a letter Luke wrote me. We both wrote each other parting letters. This is most of his.
_______, (aka. Pretty gorgeous lady)
The last year has been quite the adventure to say the least, all in a good way of course. I know we have talked about this but I’m very glad you and I got talking after last new year’s, as my life would be very different without you.... (insert random memories here) This brings me to missing you… I don’t even know where to begin or how to write this… those nine days when you were in Costa Rica were tough, even when I was busy every single day…. I don’t know what to imagine multiplying that by 22 to 23 times (yes I calculated that out…). We will undoubtedly stay very close, and in very constant contact… do not want that to change! No matter what happens, where I end up, who I meet, what I see, etc. I want you in my life in some fashion… this is not even close to the end. If you ever have any questions, want any advice, or simply want to talk to someone about something please don’t be shy, literally anything, regardless of how you and me end up after everything unfolds over the next 8 months. (Although once I’m back in Canada I think it may be rather hard for me to stay away from you after that long of a time gone haha so be ready!) We are both sitting here together right now, having had a great last 5 days or so together…. And I really don’t know what to type… there is lots I’m thinking about and you know I have always had a tough time when it comes to words and spitting them out. Basically to sum it all up in very basic terms… I’m going to REALLY REALLY miss you! Life is going to be very different without you… and I don’t want to get used to it that way so we better be Skyping!
I LOVE YOU!
The boy who loves you,
Luke
Today's title brought to you by: Sideways - Citizen Cope
I think the hardest part about getting your heart broken is trying to decide what was real. When I think about Luke and I it just seems so confusing. Why and how could he seem to love me so much, but then just forget about me? How am I supposed to believe that he meant any of it. I read his letter again and he makes it sound like he wants to talk to me all the time and when he gets back we're all but a sure thing. Then he leaves and it's like none of it ever happened. It's like I woke up from a dream. I hate it. Nothing we had means what it used to; what I thought it would. Puts past relationships in perspective. I understand now why they asked if I really loved them. Of course with Jeremy and Brian the answer is that I didn't. But with Matt... He does know I did, now, I'm sure of it. He questioned it at the time though. And I used to get so offended, so hurt that he could question everything we had. But how could he not have? I can't stop. All I want to do is ask Luke, do you think of me? Do you miss me, truly? Does your heart ache sometimes, and don't you just wish you could feel my skin against yours? Just sometimes, don't you?
But all these questions echo around my head unanswered.
I've been told I'm not dealing with it very well. But I have no idea how to and no one else has a clue how I feel.
-------------
In this post I refer to a letter Luke wrote me. We both wrote each other parting letters. This is most of his.
_______, (aka. Pretty gorgeous lady)
The last year has been quite the adventure to say the least, all in a good way of course. I know we have talked about this but I’m very glad you and I got talking after last new year’s, as my life would be very different without you.... (insert random memories here) This brings me to missing you… I don’t even know where to begin or how to write this… those nine days when you were in Costa Rica were tough, even when I was busy every single day…. I don’t know what to imagine multiplying that by 22 to 23 times (yes I calculated that out…). We will undoubtedly stay very close, and in very constant contact… do not want that to change! No matter what happens, where I end up, who I meet, what I see, etc. I want you in my life in some fashion… this is not even close to the end. If you ever have any questions, want any advice, or simply want to talk to someone about something please don’t be shy, literally anything, regardless of how you and me end up after everything unfolds over the next 8 months. (Although once I’m back in Canada I think it may be rather hard for me to stay away from you after that long of a time gone haha so be ready!) We are both sitting here together right now, having had a great last 5 days or so together…. And I really don’t know what to type… there is lots I’m thinking about and you know I have always had a tough time when it comes to words and spitting them out. Basically to sum it all up in very basic terms… I’m going to REALLY REALLY miss you! Life is going to be very different without you… and I don’t want to get used to it that way so we better be Skyping!
I LOVE YOU!
The boy who loves you,
Luke
Today's title brought to you by: Sideways - Citizen Cope
Curse the moon, so dull and bright, my heavy soul can't stand the light. It burns me straight to the bones
February 13 2011
I don't understand why things always go to shit all at once. It just doesn't make sense to me. I hate being in this place, I feel lost again. It's shit. All I want to do is fucking leave. Summer can't come fast enough. The worst part is when I get like this I'm so fucking self destructive. I eat tons, I stop caring about school, I drink but get depressed.
P A T H E T I C
And the only thing I want or that I feel will make me happy is to get far the fuck away from here. I wish school wasn't so fucking important, I wish society didn't exist, I wish I had a better way out than blazing every day and mostly I wish I knew ANYONE who felt the same way.
Today's title brought to you by: Cue the Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
I don't understand why things always go to shit all at once. It just doesn't make sense to me. I hate being in this place, I feel lost again. It's shit. All I want to do is fucking leave. Summer can't come fast enough. The worst part is when I get like this I'm so fucking self destructive. I eat tons, I stop caring about school, I drink but get depressed.
P A T H E T I C
And the only thing I want or that I feel will make me happy is to get far the fuck away from here. I wish school wasn't so fucking important, I wish society didn't exist, I wish I had a better way out than blazing every day and mostly I wish I knew ANYONE who felt the same way.
Today's title brought to you by: Cue the Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
And this is torturous, electricity between both of us, and this is dangerous, cause I want you so much, but I hate your guts
February 7 2011
Why I am angry at Luke:
- I thought we were in love and that I could never be more sure
- I thought we were going to give us an honest go
- I thought he would at least message me often or talk to me whenever he could
- I thought he'd miss me and tell me he did
- The only way I know how to deal with it is to hate him
- I never want him to talk to our friends
- I feel betrayed
- I feel stupid and naive
- I feel worthless to him
- He makes me feel like it was all a lie and that's the worst part
-----
the lyrics in the title to this entry are from an amazing song by an amazing girl. check her out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpWO_byqSr8
Today's title brought to you by: Landfill - Daughter
Why I am angry at Luke:
- I thought we were in love and that I could never be more sure
- I thought we were going to give us an honest go
- I thought he would at least message me often or talk to me whenever he could
- I thought he'd miss me and tell me he did
- The only way I know how to deal with it is to hate him
- I never want him to talk to our friends
- I feel betrayed
- I feel stupid and naive
- I feel worthless to him
- He makes me feel like it was all a lie and that's the worst part
-----
the lyrics in the title to this entry are from an amazing song by an amazing girl. check her out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpWO_byqSr8
Today's title brought to you by: Landfill - Daughter
Cause you're my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away
November 15 2010
Well I know there's been a lot of back and forth in this about love, but for the past two months I've been certain. I have never felt this way in my life. There is no one in the world better for me than him. I don't want a life without him. He's my perfect. I still see why I felt the way I did about all the other ones, but I was so unsure. I wrote about it so much because I needed to reassure myself. With Luke I am happy. I want him forever
Today's title brought to you by: Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Well I know there's been a lot of back and forth in this about love, but for the past two months I've been certain. I have never felt this way in my life. There is no one in the world better for me than him. I don't want a life without him. He's my perfect. I still see why I felt the way I did about all the other ones, but I was so unsure. I wrote about it so much because I needed to reassure myself. With Luke I am happy. I want him forever
Today's title brought to you by: Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Which to bury, us or the hatchet?
February 23 2010
Love is friendship set on fire.
Sounds beautiful doesn't it? Friendship that burns with a fiery passion; that's love. But what happens when the flame dies out?
All that is left is ashes.
If the friendship was strong enough or if the flame didn't burn too hot, there might be enough to salvage something. Some chunk of trust, love or respect that was too strong to be broken. Sometimes, though, there are only pieces; fragments of something beautiful. From these shards can anything ever emerge? Can something new be built out of ash?
Delicate and smaller than before. Changed forever, but not lost. True friendship can be born again.
----
This entry was written after Aaron and I fell apart. I was somewhat seeing Luke now and Aaron and I were in the final throws of our long, long, lllooonnnnngggg fight to say goodbye.
Today's title brought to you by: Which to bury, Us or the Hatchet? - Relient K
Love is friendship set on fire.
Sounds beautiful doesn't it? Friendship that burns with a fiery passion; that's love. But what happens when the flame dies out?
All that is left is ashes.
If the friendship was strong enough or if the flame didn't burn too hot, there might be enough to salvage something. Some chunk of trust, love or respect that was too strong to be broken. Sometimes, though, there are only pieces; fragments of something beautiful. From these shards can anything ever emerge? Can something new be built out of ash?
Delicate and smaller than before. Changed forever, but not lost. True friendship can be born again.
----
This entry was written after Aaron and I fell apart. I was somewhat seeing Luke now and Aaron and I were in the final throws of our long, long, lllooonnnnngggg fight to say goodbye.
Today's title brought to you by: Which to bury, Us or the Hatchet? - Relient K
Is this love, is this love, is this love that I'm feelin, I want to know, got to know
December 29 2009
Am I in love with love or do I really harbor true feelings of love for people? Besides that, what are true feelings of love?? I am such an emotional person and I always crave love and attention. Ahh me... Love will always be my biggest fixation, I think.
I think the big issue I have is being sure of myself. I never trust my feelings and all I know is that I'm not hurting people when I'm single..mostly. I love obsessing over people and moments. I suppose that's why it's so hard for me to trust myself. All I know is it feels amazing to be with him and I never tire of his company. Follow your heart I guess.
----------
This entry was taken from the time when Aaron and I were starting to move from fuck friends to something real. I tearily told him how I felt only days after this.
Today's title brought to you by: Is this Love - Bob Marley
Am I in love with love or do I really harbor true feelings of love for people? Besides that, what are true feelings of love?? I am such an emotional person and I always crave love and attention. Ahh me... Love will always be my biggest fixation, I think.
I think the big issue I have is being sure of myself. I never trust my feelings and all I know is that I'm not hurting people when I'm single..mostly. I love obsessing over people and moments. I suppose that's why it's so hard for me to trust myself. All I know is it feels amazing to be with him and I never tire of his company. Follow your heart I guess.
----------
This entry was taken from the time when Aaron and I were starting to move from fuck friends to something real. I tearily told him how I felt only days after this.
Today's title brought to you by: Is this Love - Bob Marley
All of these emotions are pouring out of me, I bring them to the light for you, It's only right
Hi.
For the purposes of keeping everyone's lives their own I won't be using real names. But you probably could have guessed that anyway.
Since I was a little girl I loved love. I lived for Disney 'happily ever after's and waited constantly for my Prince Charming.
Highschool shattered my self esteem and my hope for many years. Being an awkward almost-emo kid in a rich ass private school doesn't really bring all the boys to the block if ya know what I mean.
At the end of grade 12 a chance encounter gave way to my first love. He was amazing and we are still friends three and a half years later. After I met him it was like a switch flicked in every male around me and suddenly I was hot. I've been struggling with the repercussions of it ever since.
I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, but I felt that I needed to put somethings out into the universe. If not only for my sanity then for others, so that maybe when you read this you'll realize that you aren't the only one who is going through the heartbreak or the feelings of love or confusion that you might be. I've been through a lot of it and always felt alone.
Basically right now I'm going to give you a quick summary of the past two years and then post some journal entries written during that time.
During my time spent with my first love, Matt, I met a boy named Aaron. We immediately were attracted to each other and have been ever since. He is an amazing person, and in my three years of knowing him we've been through a lot. After I met him we were fuck buddies for a little while, but I guess the timing was off. We both dated other people for some time and were close friends all the while. After our respective break ups we started fooling around again. This time the fooling around gave way to actual feelings. I confessed my love and he laughed it off. Not because he didn't feel the same, but because he thought it was blatantly obvious how we felt about each other. For various reasons a rift began to build between us and we started fighting a lot. His friend and roommate, Luke, was someone who I had always found funny and attractive and we had flirted a lot over the months. When things began to fall apart with Aaron, Luke was there.
My time with Luke was amazing. I fell head over heels in love with him, and he seemed to feel the same. Aaron couldn't look at, let alone talk to, either of us. We spent last summer and fall together very, very happily. The thing about our relationship that always added a combination of stress and ease was that Luke was leaving on an 8 month trip to Australia and Asia. He left this past January. I've never had my heart broken before. To say it was difficult is just stupid. It ruined me for several months and I can easily say I'm still not recovered. When he left it was like he checked out of our relationship. He was just gone. I've barely talked to him since our teary eyed goodbye in the airport (cliche I know). In the months that passed I saw Aaron and we started to piece things together again. For a while it was safe, he even had a passing fling with my roommate. Now it's more serious than ever and I'm crazy about him.
I'm sure after reading this you're thinking that I am a stupid emotional girl. I am. I follow my heart more than my head and I have shitty self restraint. I don't care if you think I'm immoral or a bitch, I definitely have my moments. All I hope you get out of this is some sense that you're not alone. No matter how much you fuck up, hurt someone or are hurting from someone, I understand. And if you don't think I could, I invite you to tell me about it. Even if I can't understand, saying things 'outloud' helps.
Hopefully you need this like I do.
<3
Today's title brought to you by: Soundtrack to My Life - Kid CuDi
For the purposes of keeping everyone's lives their own I won't be using real names. But you probably could have guessed that anyway.
Since I was a little girl I loved love. I lived for Disney 'happily ever after's and waited constantly for my Prince Charming.
Highschool shattered my self esteem and my hope for many years. Being an awkward almost-emo kid in a rich ass private school doesn't really bring all the boys to the block if ya know what I mean.
At the end of grade 12 a chance encounter gave way to my first love. He was amazing and we are still friends three and a half years later. After I met him it was like a switch flicked in every male around me and suddenly I was hot. I've been struggling with the repercussions of it ever since.
I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, but I felt that I needed to put somethings out into the universe. If not only for my sanity then for others, so that maybe when you read this you'll realize that you aren't the only one who is going through the heartbreak or the feelings of love or confusion that you might be. I've been through a lot of it and always felt alone.
Basically right now I'm going to give you a quick summary of the past two years and then post some journal entries written during that time.
During my time spent with my first love, Matt, I met a boy named Aaron. We immediately were attracted to each other and have been ever since. He is an amazing person, and in my three years of knowing him we've been through a lot. After I met him we were fuck buddies for a little while, but I guess the timing was off. We both dated other people for some time and were close friends all the while. After our respective break ups we started fooling around again. This time the fooling around gave way to actual feelings. I confessed my love and he laughed it off. Not because he didn't feel the same, but because he thought it was blatantly obvious how we felt about each other. For various reasons a rift began to build between us and we started fighting a lot. His friend and roommate, Luke, was someone who I had always found funny and attractive and we had flirted a lot over the months. When things began to fall apart with Aaron, Luke was there.
My time with Luke was amazing. I fell head over heels in love with him, and he seemed to feel the same. Aaron couldn't look at, let alone talk to, either of us. We spent last summer and fall together very, very happily. The thing about our relationship that always added a combination of stress and ease was that Luke was leaving on an 8 month trip to Australia and Asia. He left this past January. I've never had my heart broken before. To say it was difficult is just stupid. It ruined me for several months and I can easily say I'm still not recovered. When he left it was like he checked out of our relationship. He was just gone. I've barely talked to him since our teary eyed goodbye in the airport (cliche I know). In the months that passed I saw Aaron and we started to piece things together again. For a while it was safe, he even had a passing fling with my roommate. Now it's more serious than ever and I'm crazy about him.
I'm sure after reading this you're thinking that I am a stupid emotional girl. I am. I follow my heart more than my head and I have shitty self restraint. I don't care if you think I'm immoral or a bitch, I definitely have my moments. All I hope you get out of this is some sense that you're not alone. No matter how much you fuck up, hurt someone or are hurting from someone, I understand. And if you don't think I could, I invite you to tell me about it. Even if I can't understand, saying things 'outloud' helps.
Hopefully you need this like I do.
<3
Today's title brought to you by: Soundtrack to My Life - Kid CuDi
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