All of these emotions are pouring out of me, I bring them to the light for you, It's only right

Hi.

For the purposes of keeping everyone's lives their own I won't be using real names. But you probably could have guessed that anyway.
Since I was a little girl I loved love. I lived for Disney 'happily ever after's and waited constantly for my Prince Charming.
Highschool shattered my self esteem and my hope for many years. Being an awkward almost-emo kid in a rich ass private school doesn't really bring all the boys to the block if ya know what I mean.
At the end of grade 12 a chance encounter gave way to my first love. He was amazing and we are still friends three and a half years later. After I met him it was like a switch flicked in every male around me and suddenly I was hot. I've been struggling with the repercussions of it ever since.
I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, but I felt that I needed to put somethings out into the universe. If not only for my sanity then for others, so that maybe when you read this you'll realize that you aren't the only one who is going through the heartbreak or the feelings of love or confusion that you might be. I've been through a lot of it and always felt alone.

Basically right now I'm going to give you a quick summary of the past two years and then post some journal entries written during that time.
During my time spent with my first love, Matt, I met a boy named Aaron. We immediately were attracted to each other and have been ever since. He is an amazing person, and in my three years of knowing him we've been through a lot. After I met him we were fuck buddies for a little while, but I guess the timing was off. We both dated other people for some time and were close friends all the while. After our respective break ups we started fooling around again. This time the fooling around gave way to actual feelings. I confessed my love and he laughed it off. Not because he didn't feel the same, but because he thought it was blatantly obvious how we felt about each other. For various reasons a rift began to build between us and we started fighting a lot. His friend and roommate, Luke, was someone who I had always found funny and attractive and we had flirted a lot over the months. When things began to fall apart with Aaron, Luke was there.

My time with Luke was amazing. I fell head over heels in love with him, and he seemed to feel the same. Aaron couldn't look at, let alone talk to, either of us. We spent last summer and fall together very, very happily. The thing about our relationship that always added a combination of stress and ease was that Luke was leaving on an 8 month trip to Australia and Asia. He left this past January. I've never had my heart broken before. To say it was difficult is just stupid. It ruined me for several months and I can easily say I'm still not recovered. When he left it was like he checked out of our relationship. He was just gone. I've barely talked to him since our teary eyed goodbye in the airport (cliche I know). In the months that passed I saw Aaron and we started to piece things together again. For a while it was safe, he even had a passing fling with my roommate. Now it's more serious than ever and I'm crazy about him.

I'm sure after reading this you're thinking that I am a stupid emotional girl. I am. I follow my heart more than my head and I have shitty self restraint. I don't care if you think I'm immoral or a bitch, I definitely have my moments. All I hope you get out of this is some sense that you're not alone. No matter how much you fuck up, hurt someone or are hurting from someone, I understand. And if you don't think I could, I invite you to tell me about it. Even if I can't understand, saying things 'outloud' helps.
Hopefully you need this like I do.
<3


Today's title brought to you by: Soundtrack to My Life - Kid CuDi