Now
Now...well, now we're hooking up on a regular basis; in his car, while my parents are at work.. I've legitimately given up on trying to be any more than just fuck buddies with him (but probably not really). It's crazy, I've seriously done fuck-buddies with.. Matt, Brian, Jeremy, Aaron.. every single one of my other relationships(!), at one point or another, but never, ever like this. Whenever I did 'fuck-buddies' with any of my exs, it was a tornado of cheating, lying, break ups and make ups, and the eventual, tornado-meets-train-crash, type end. Besides these efforts I've tried it on different occasions with two other people. All massive failures. The former group of which none, were even remotely, 'buddy'-esque. The latter group resulting in an unfortunate, one sided deal, where I was the buddy and they were fucked. Both boys have ceased communication with me. Can't really blame them, don't really care. I mean I miss them as friends, they were good guys, fun, but not relationship material. C'est la vie.
Getting to the point: being fuck buddies with Luke is exactly what you're supposed to expect from 'fuck-buddies'. We hook up sometimes, don't talk more than necessary, only ever kiss, touch or are intimate during sex, and never make affectionate comments. After all my other experiences, I thought I had the whole 'fuck-buddies' thing figured out- namely: it is never what it's supposed to be. Apparently, and who am I kidding, unsurprisingly, with Luke, what you see is what you get. If that boy is anything he is practical. Motherfucking practical. So here I am, fulfilling my dreams of finally kissing, touching, and being with Luke, except, oh wait!, we're not inloveandhappilyeverafter RAINBOWS. *sigh*
I can never decide how to feel about it. Hence today's title. Sometimes (tonight) I get down about the fact that I've been life-slapped in the face and my dreams do not live up to reality. Sometimes Luke pisses me off with his incessant talk of his future plans and doing, this-and-that thing some day and I can't handle it. I still love the kid, don't think I can let it go that easily. I just think right now he's really fucking selfish. All the thinks about is his next step, the next challenge for him. I'm not saying I expect him to include people in these plans, although I don't think that's unreasonable, but he doesn't even take interest in other peoples' plans most the time. I'd like a smoke-m'-walk where we have a good philosophical conversation about things happening right now, or ideas and thoughts that don't have a time frame. Even the other night, I tried to do this exact thing, bringing up an article I discussed with my family about the social rhetoric surrounding single people. Basically the article suggesting that singles are relegated to a lower social rung, referred to as, 'exes', 'divorcees', or 'widows/ers'. All very negative words. Besides this, there's the social obsession with people just being halves of a whole; your life is not complete without a partner. My blog of course being case and point, hah. Anyways, Luke and I discussed it for about 5 minutes before he segued into his usual talk.
"I think that people are definitely supposed to share their lives with someone else, it's natural to want a partner, but I definitely think there are some times where it's best to be single. You know, times in your life where you really benefit from being alone. I'm really happy right now because so much is changing, I'm leaving for New York and then who knows how long I'll be there....................." RAWR
I don't think it's a bad thing that Luke wants to focus on himself right now, nor do I think it's bad he wants to be single. I'm so proud of him for being the ambitious, driven person he is. Honestly though? He needs to open up his eyes. I'm not the only one he neglects. Jake falls by the way side too sometimes.
When I think about these things, and how, business, Luke is right now, I know it's better we're not together. Even if we could be together, he'd never be what I need out of a relationship. Honestly, I'm leaving to travel in the next 6 months, and I don't my heart to get left behind. I have a lot of things to do and I am okay with being single. Sort of.
Bleh.
I guess, hah, I'm laughing as I realize what I'm about to type, but, I guess that right now I understand how impractical it is for us to be together. Being single still kinda sucks (do not have enough to keep busy). When I think about my dreams compared to reality it kinda sucks, but over all I do think it's best. I read a Chuck Palahniuk book recently and it said something worth repeating:
"No, it's not fair, but what makes earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it should feel like Heaven. Earth is earth."
That's my problem. I've always been such a goddamn romantic that I can't deal with this utter lack of hysteric emotion. No more heart break sorrow, because to a degree I have him back, but no blissful love, as expected. It's a dull but introspectively interesting time of life, I must say.
I'll leave ya with one last thing to think about. Maybe if someone else does I'll be able to stop.
In a week and a half I'm leaving with Luke to meet Margo and Jake in Jake's hometown in Maine state. For the record, yes, Jake and Margo are back together, shocking, shocking. This is the same and very place I went with these exact people two years ago, where Luke told me he loved me.
A quote, oddly enough from, The Matrix, "Some things never change, and some things do." It sounds obvious and redundantly simple, but man, if this hasn't been one of the truest phrases spoken, I don't know what is.
Today's title brought to you by: Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
When we lock eyes i know you feel it instantly, despite all the history you still got a thing for me
Part 2
Man oh man. It's so hard to write about this stuff after it's all happened and the feelings are so different already... Well here goes.
About a month ago..bit less.. I had plans to go to a bar with Mila and two of her friends from school, as it happened, Luke was also supposed to be going out with one of his friends, who I knew fairly well. We decided we'd meet up and go to a bar as a group. The first half of the night was SO fun! I loved Mila's friends and we all got happy drunk together while more and more people joined our little shindig. Luke and his friend Christina joined right before we headed down to the bar. Once down there, the group pretty much split up and Luke and I were left with Mila and her boyfriend Denny. The four of us chilled and drank and had a great time, but typical of Mila and Denny, they got in a spat about something or other and walked off. This left me drunk, and alone with Luke. I could sosososososoooo tell that he had the hots for me and had been flirting with me, so I decided I had to know. While walking to find the group I stopped suddenly, grabbed him by the shoulders, and demanded to know what was going on with us. He stuttered and hummed and hawed and asked if we could talk about it when he was sober. The way he went about it, I could tell he was trying very hard not to just go for it.
About 5 minutes later, I went for it.
I couldn't help it.
My memory of those moments are probably some of the clearest drunken memories I've ever managed. This is due to the fact that I forced myself to observe every little facet of my existence right then, because, after a year and a half, I finally had him again. We made out for about two seconds before Luke decided we had to leave. He decided to cab back to his house so we could be more 'alone'. The whole cab ride I had my legs over his lap, was kissing his face, holding his arm, so fucking-ridiculously happy was I. When we got back to his neighborhood we couldn't hook up in his house as his parents were home and the door beeps and, blah blah blah, so we literally found a dark place and a tree to lean against and did the dirty right there out in public.
While walking around trying to find said dark place, we had quite an interesting conversation, THANK GOD, he barely remembers. The highlights were me:
- apologizing for the whole Aaron shpeil
- apologizing for being a drama queen after he left
- demanding him to tell me that he missed me while he was away
and him:
- telling me he didn't want to date anyone before he left for New York in the fall
Yeaaaaahhhh... After that last bit I managed to stop groping him and the smile from my face diminished substantially. What happened that night was probably one of the most emotionally confusing events of my life. After our outdoor romp we really were not satisfied and were quite desperate to find a more comfortable place to fuck. It ended up in my reluctant agreement that I would stay at his house in his sister's room, but I would have to sneak out, by myself, at around 9am the next day.
Ugh. If you're thinking it sounds like I let myself get used, you are probably right. But how could I turn down this chance after so fucking long of dreaming about it? In my defense, while I was hesitating, Luke asked what I was worried about and I responded, "I don't want to be your dirty little secret"... Well as you can probably imagine, the next morning sucked ballzsack. I treated myself to a McDonalds breakfast after stealthily escaping Luke's house.
We hung out and did our usual smoke-n'-walk soon after that and got to talking about what had happened. I didn't admit to having feelings but I did make it clear that he should set out the conditions for whatever the fuck else we were doing next. We agreed to continue hooking up, just as friends, and that would be that.
One day we hung out all day together and hooked up at his dad's empty house. We ended up laying on his bed naked and talking for hours. We talked about relationships, ours, Jake and Margo's, Mila and Denny's, mine and Aaron's, and his and his most recent ex-girlfriend's. It was a really good conversation, and I think by the end of it he was looking at me a bit more deeply than usual... so fucking hard to tell with him. I kissed him out of the blue at one point... I don't think he appreciated it, but I was still trying to get used to controlling myself with him. Still am FYI, just don't slip up as much.
I wrote this at some time around then:
He's like a defibrillator,
it's electric and it burns,
and it brings you back to life.
Today's title brought to you by: G-Eazy - A Thing for Me
Man oh man. It's so hard to write about this stuff after it's all happened and the feelings are so different already... Well here goes.
About a month ago..bit less.. I had plans to go to a bar with Mila and two of her friends from school, as it happened, Luke was also supposed to be going out with one of his friends, who I knew fairly well. We decided we'd meet up and go to a bar as a group. The first half of the night was SO fun! I loved Mila's friends and we all got happy drunk together while more and more people joined our little shindig. Luke and his friend Christina joined right before we headed down to the bar. Once down there, the group pretty much split up and Luke and I were left with Mila and her boyfriend Denny. The four of us chilled and drank and had a great time, but typical of Mila and Denny, they got in a spat about something or other and walked off. This left me drunk, and alone with Luke. I could sosososososoooo tell that he had the hots for me and had been flirting with me, so I decided I had to know. While walking to find the group I stopped suddenly, grabbed him by the shoulders, and demanded to know what was going on with us. He stuttered and hummed and hawed and asked if we could talk about it when he was sober. The way he went about it, I could tell he was trying very hard not to just go for it.
About 5 minutes later, I went for it.
I couldn't help it.
My memory of those moments are probably some of the clearest drunken memories I've ever managed. This is due to the fact that I forced myself to observe every little facet of my existence right then, because, after a year and a half, I finally had him again. We made out for about two seconds before Luke decided we had to leave. He decided to cab back to his house so we could be more 'alone'. The whole cab ride I had my legs over his lap, was kissing his face, holding his arm, so fucking-ridiculously happy was I. When we got back to his neighborhood we couldn't hook up in his house as his parents were home and the door beeps and, blah blah blah, so we literally found a dark place and a tree to lean against and did the dirty right there out in public.
While walking around trying to find said dark place, we had quite an interesting conversation, THANK GOD, he barely remembers. The highlights were me:
- apologizing for the whole Aaron shpeil
- apologizing for being a drama queen after he left
- demanding him to tell me that he missed me while he was away
and him:
- telling me he didn't want to date anyone before he left for New York in the fall
Yeaaaaahhhh... After that last bit I managed to stop groping him and the smile from my face diminished substantially. What happened that night was probably one of the most emotionally confusing events of my life. After our outdoor romp we really were not satisfied and were quite desperate to find a more comfortable place to fuck. It ended up in my reluctant agreement that I would stay at his house in his sister's room, but I would have to sneak out, by myself, at around 9am the next day.
Ugh. If you're thinking it sounds like I let myself get used, you are probably right. But how could I turn down this chance after so fucking long of dreaming about it? In my defense, while I was hesitating, Luke asked what I was worried about and I responded, "I don't want to be your dirty little secret"... Well as you can probably imagine, the next morning sucked ballzsack. I treated myself to a McDonalds breakfast after stealthily escaping Luke's house.
We hung out and did our usual smoke-n'-walk soon after that and got to talking about what had happened. I didn't admit to having feelings but I did make it clear that he should set out the conditions for whatever the fuck else we were doing next. We agreed to continue hooking up, just as friends, and that would be that.
One day we hung out all day together and hooked up at his dad's empty house. We ended up laying on his bed naked and talking for hours. We talked about relationships, ours, Jake and Margo's, Mila and Denny's, mine and Aaron's, and his and his most recent ex-girlfriend's. It was a really good conversation, and I think by the end of it he was looking at me a bit more deeply than usual... so fucking hard to tell with him. I kissed him out of the blue at one point... I don't think he appreciated it, but I was still trying to get used to controlling myself with him. Still am FYI, just don't slip up as much.
I wrote this at some time around then:
He's like a defibrillator,
it's electric and it burns,
and it brings you back to life.
Today's title brought to you by: G-Eazy - A Thing for Me
Thursday, 7 June 2012
I want to love you, but if it's not right what can I do?
Part One
So. There’s a lot to say and I don’t know if I’ll get through it all tonight but I’m going go until my fingers stop.
I moved back to my parents house in late April. They were away for a week and virtually every night I had one or another of my girls over. One night I was hanging out with A and another highschool best-friend, Mila just having drinks and catching up when my phone rings. Jake asks what I’m up to. It’s his last night in town and him and Luke didn’t have anything to do. I invited them over to join us. The girls were excited for me and I had to primp my hair and sit nervously wringing my hands waiting for them to arrive. Jake and Luke and A and Mila all knew each other from when Luke and I had dated.
Seeing Luke like that; in my comfort place, a drink in hand, my best girls at my side, it was very different. I felt like I could be myself more, and I could just sense him looking at me differently, not a lot, but just kind of remembering the way we could all have fun together. The whole house was full of conversation and laughter and for a while it felt like no time had passed between all of us. After a couple hours I could see that Jake was getting antsy to go home, but when I asked him and Luke were both kind of cutting each other off. Luke saying they’d stay, Jake saying they’d head out soon... I laughed and glowed inside.
After that night I sent Luke a message on facebook saying that it had been really nice seeing him again and if he were ever interested that he should let me know and we could hang out some time.
A week and some passed and I figured that it was pretty much a lost hope. Then one day he messaged me. We chatted for a bit and then he asked if I wanted to hang out. It was my first time seeing him alone since the day I saw him after he got back. We talked for three hours. Mostly he talked about his trip, and I nervously tried to say interesting and clever things. Being around him with all the unsaid things crowding my mind and cluttering my thoughts meant I had to try about 5 times harder to keep up a fluid conversation. Luckily I mostly just listened. I was happy to. I always wanted him to have adventures and enjoy his time away and most of the time I wished he could tell me and share that with me when he got back (minus the months spent trying to hate him). Though it’s hard for me to hear about him having the time of his life when I know that, meanwhile, I was left at home trying to piece my heart back together, it’s so worth it. I am so happy to be able to be someone that he can share his experiences with. I am so happy that he did all the things he did and that he really did have the time of his life. At least he didn’t leave me for mediocrity right?
After that initial time we started hanging out to blaze together. We’d go to the park at night, smoke a joint and talk about...whatever. A lot about traveling and his trip. About my future plans, and I’d sometimes try to slip in the things I did while he was away... Mardi Gras, Burning Man, the Dominican Republic, a camping trip-music festival... it doesn’t sound so bad, but compared to a year of adventures its just cookies. A lot of the time I was in my own head, even more than usual, trying to dissect his every silence and look. Sometimes I’d be convinced. He’d draw out taking me home, he’d suggest leaving and then put it off, he looked at me with those green eyes of his...and I was convinced, "there is no way this boy does not still have feelings for me." Other times I’d feel stupid and naiive. He’d sit in silence for what felt like minutes and I’d be thinking about us together, about swinging my swing a bit closer to brush his arm, and then he’d start talking again and pick up on the exact thought we left off on, and I’d realize that his silence wasn’t filled with thoughts of us like mine was.
Such confusion. So hard to be around him again and not be able to touch him or kiss him or even be open with him. All of these boundaries we both put up, stepping on eggshells and dancing around each other. A lot of my friends warned me against it, he’s leaving to go to Colombia to do his masters in the fall. Fucking over achiever. God I love him for it. Anyways as you can see it is an obvious pickle to have myself in.
Every second I spent with him was distorted. It all felt like time was stretched out because I was taking in every detail. Every movement, every word, every look, every energy, every thing I could grasp I had to catalog. Seconds and minutes passed like we were moving through syrup. Though, when it came time for us to go our separate ways, it was like the feeling you get when you dive into the water: bursting through the surface after those long quiet seconds below... everything became real again. Two hours suddenly felt like nothing at all, and I missed being around him immediately.
I could never get a read on him. Not now, not before, not ever. He’s always been impossible. He thinks so much but he keeps his feelings so close to his heart. Sometimes, very rarely, I see something that fits. A flash of caring, attraction, admiration, understanding... but I never really trust my readings on him because sometimes I am sooo wrong. Nevertheless, little things were starting to add together to suggest that there was more than just friendship from his side. One thing that really got me happened one weekend when I went to visit my cousin. Luke and I met up a few hours before my train to hang out on my patio and enjoy the sunshine. He seemed disappointed when I had to cut our time shorter than usual and offered to drive me to the train station. I spent that night with my cousin, helping her arrange things for her stag and doe, I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding (!). It was a fun, girly night and it gave my mind a rest to get away from all the Luke, although I still dreamt of him that night.
The next day when I got home I was thinking about how much I wanted to see him again, but resisted the temptation to ask. Later on when I got a message from him asking if I was around, I jumped at the chance. We did our usual smoke and chill in the park and in the course of our conversation something came up that we had talked about the last time we had seen each other. In discussing it, I was trying to figure out what day it was and when I had last seen him. We both got mixed up on what day it was because it felt impossible that it had been only just the day before since we had last seen each other.
*sigh*
Today's title brought to you by: Marilyn - G-Eazy
So. There’s a lot to say and I don’t know if I’ll get through it all tonight but I’m going go until my fingers stop.
I moved back to my parents house in late April. They were away for a week and virtually every night I had one or another of my girls over. One night I was hanging out with A and another highschool best-friend, Mila just having drinks and catching up when my phone rings. Jake asks what I’m up to. It’s his last night in town and him and Luke didn’t have anything to do. I invited them over to join us. The girls were excited for me and I had to primp my hair and sit nervously wringing my hands waiting for them to arrive. Jake and Luke and A and Mila all knew each other from when Luke and I had dated.
Seeing Luke like that; in my comfort place, a drink in hand, my best girls at my side, it was very different. I felt like I could be myself more, and I could just sense him looking at me differently, not a lot, but just kind of remembering the way we could all have fun together. The whole house was full of conversation and laughter and for a while it felt like no time had passed between all of us. After a couple hours I could see that Jake was getting antsy to go home, but when I asked him and Luke were both kind of cutting each other off. Luke saying they’d stay, Jake saying they’d head out soon... I laughed and glowed inside.
After that night I sent Luke a message on facebook saying that it had been really nice seeing him again and if he were ever interested that he should let me know and we could hang out some time.
A week and some passed and I figured that it was pretty much a lost hope. Then one day he messaged me. We chatted for a bit and then he asked if I wanted to hang out. It was my first time seeing him alone since the day I saw him after he got back. We talked for three hours. Mostly he talked about his trip, and I nervously tried to say interesting and clever things. Being around him with all the unsaid things crowding my mind and cluttering my thoughts meant I had to try about 5 times harder to keep up a fluid conversation. Luckily I mostly just listened. I was happy to. I always wanted him to have adventures and enjoy his time away and most of the time I wished he could tell me and share that with me when he got back (minus the months spent trying to hate him). Though it’s hard for me to hear about him having the time of his life when I know that, meanwhile, I was left at home trying to piece my heart back together, it’s so worth it. I am so happy to be able to be someone that he can share his experiences with. I am so happy that he did all the things he did and that he really did have the time of his life. At least he didn’t leave me for mediocrity right?
After that initial time we started hanging out to blaze together. We’d go to the park at night, smoke a joint and talk about...whatever. A lot about traveling and his trip. About my future plans, and I’d sometimes try to slip in the things I did while he was away... Mardi Gras, Burning Man, the Dominican Republic, a camping trip-music festival... it doesn’t sound so bad, but compared to a year of adventures its just cookies. A lot of the time I was in my own head, even more than usual, trying to dissect his every silence and look. Sometimes I’d be convinced. He’d draw out taking me home, he’d suggest leaving and then put it off, he looked at me with those green eyes of his...and I was convinced, "there is no way this boy does not still have feelings for me." Other times I’d feel stupid and naiive. He’d sit in silence for what felt like minutes and I’d be thinking about us together, about swinging my swing a bit closer to brush his arm, and then he’d start talking again and pick up on the exact thought we left off on, and I’d realize that his silence wasn’t filled with thoughts of us like mine was.
Such confusion. So hard to be around him again and not be able to touch him or kiss him or even be open with him. All of these boundaries we both put up, stepping on eggshells and dancing around each other. A lot of my friends warned me against it, he’s leaving to go to Colombia to do his masters in the fall. Fucking over achiever. God I love him for it. Anyways as you can see it is an obvious pickle to have myself in.
Every second I spent with him was distorted. It all felt like time was stretched out because I was taking in every detail. Every movement, every word, every look, every energy, every thing I could grasp I had to catalog. Seconds and minutes passed like we were moving through syrup. Though, when it came time for us to go our separate ways, it was like the feeling you get when you dive into the water: bursting through the surface after those long quiet seconds below... everything became real again. Two hours suddenly felt like nothing at all, and I missed being around him immediately.
I could never get a read on him. Not now, not before, not ever. He’s always been impossible. He thinks so much but he keeps his feelings so close to his heart. Sometimes, very rarely, I see something that fits. A flash of caring, attraction, admiration, understanding... but I never really trust my readings on him because sometimes I am sooo wrong. Nevertheless, little things were starting to add together to suggest that there was more than just friendship from his side. One thing that really got me happened one weekend when I went to visit my cousin. Luke and I met up a few hours before my train to hang out on my patio and enjoy the sunshine. He seemed disappointed when I had to cut our time shorter than usual and offered to drive me to the train station. I spent that night with my cousin, helping her arrange things for her stag and doe, I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding (!). It was a fun, girly night and it gave my mind a rest to get away from all the Luke, although I still dreamt of him that night.
The next day when I got home I was thinking about how much I wanted to see him again, but resisted the temptation to ask. Later on when I got a message from him asking if I was around, I jumped at the chance. We did our usual smoke and chill in the park and in the course of our conversation something came up that we had talked about the last time we had seen each other. In discussing it, I was trying to figure out what day it was and when I had last seen him. We both got mixed up on what day it was because it felt impossible that it had been only just the day before since we had last seen each other.
*sigh*
Today's title brought to you by: Marilyn - G-Eazy
Monday, 23 April 2012
Let me occupy your mind, as you do mine
So I have just finished my undergraduate degree.
It’s a lot to try and wrap my head around... I haven’t been able to emotionally react to it yet. It’s so much to take in; moving out of my house of three years, saying goodbye to some people who I cared about and not knowing when I’ll see them again, knowing that I’m leaving the student life behind... at least for a few years. It’s a big change. A lot to let go of.
All of my serious relationships have started and ended in these past few university years. With the exception of having started dating Matt at the end of highschool. That feels close enough though, and our relationship certainly was a big part of my undergrad experience. Don’t get me wrong, there would be a lot more to my university motion picture than just the leading men. My girls are always the stars off the show and parting with them has been hard, but the thing is, I know they’re not gone. I know I won’t stop seeing them, there is no letting go of those relationships, just a shift; a change. It’s getting used to not being able to go down the hall or to our basement and talk to one of my best friends. It’s not easy and I am sad, but the relationships that make being down the hall from someone so awesome aren’t going anywhere. With Matt, Jeremy, Brian, Aaron and Luke, leaving university means really severing those ties. This has been on my mind a lot.
Of course when you break up with someone there is a severing of a tie. You are ending that relationship, and depending on the circumstances, maybe you’re ending it with no questions of re-opening it. The thing about dating guys I went to school with is that there is always a certain ‘potentiality’ for something more to happen. It’s never wholly over. I suppose you could argue that as long as two people are still alive they could find some way to come back together, but the fact is, our university was a small place and I did run into all of them (excluding Brian who dropped out and got married...) after our relationships had ended. Though after second year there was never a question of anything ever re-igniting between myself and Jeremy, he was still around, and in some peripheral way, still in my life. It didn’t have to mean that I was talking to him or that we’d see each other much, but there was the potential. Now there isn’t.
Besides the direct change of potentiality, there’s also the letting go of all the memories. All the places that meant something to me; to that part of my life. As I’ve said, with my friends though it’s hard to see those places go, I also know there will be so many more places that will mean the same for us. With Matt and Aaron and Luke (because those are the ones I’m really struggling with), it’s accepting that these people who know me in a way that no one else does and hold pieces of me that no one else can are really gone from my life. I have to put those memories and feelings behind me and start building a new path.
Letting go of Luke has been consuming. I think about it constantly, and I don’t know how to accept it. A few weeks ago I was happy because I had this certainty of our clandestine relationship; someday we would, we had to, be together again. Now, facing the reality of him and I no longer sharing a common space, that our mutual friends have gone their own ways, I am all out of excuses to see him.
I guess before I left, I hoped to see him again, but I wasn’t actively pursing it. On 4.2o I was celebrating the holiday with a bunch of my closest friends from the past few years. Because of the big group, Luke was there. We have too many overlapping friends for him not to have been there that day. For the most part we sat in separate circles from each other and didn’t talk. Near the end of the day he came over and hung out with us, talked to Kaitlyn, and A, who had come to visit, but he pretty well avoided any direct conversation with me. I found it kind of strange that his girlfriend hadn’t made an appearance and thought that things were slightly weirder than usual, but put my hopeful thoughts aside. Later that night after Luke was long gone, I heard from Ness who’s friend happens to be acquaintances with Luke’sgirlfriend ex-girlfriend. They broke up, and I saw him while I was single. I must tell you this pretty much jumbled my brain into a stew.
I think my subconscious acted on its own and found a way to let me see him again. Since I didn’t get much of a chance to see Jake before my last day in our town I text him and asked if he could make time for us to hang out again before I left. Jake’s been Luke’s best friend since first year. When Luke and I began getting close and while I was practically living with Aaron in the house he shared with Jeremy, Luke, Jake and another of their friends, Jake and I got close. Luke and I went with Jake’s, on-and-off, awful, succubus, girlfriend, Margo, to Maine state to visit Jake in his home town. One of the best vacations of my life, Luke told me he loved me there. Anyhow, the four of us plus Kaitlyn ended up hanging out last night for a couple hours. Just like the last time I was there, things were as ever with Luke and I. The friendly tension. The easy ability to talk to each other. As comfortably uncomfortable as possible. The knowledge that we were both not seeing anyone, I think made it much more meaningful...at least for me. When Kaitlyn got restless and it was time to go, Luke offered us a ride home. Sitting in the front seat of his car with him like I had so many times before, and yet completely unlike all those times. My heart was bleeding through the seams.
When I got out of his car at my house, I looked at him in his eyes and said, “If I don’t see you, take care.” I don’t know if he could possibly read everything that I meant by that. All the unsaid feelings I was trying to convey. My sadness at this maybe being our last goodbye. My whole hearted wish that he take care; that he was happy; that he did well and got what he wanted... That’s a lot to ask someone to gather from a look. But more has been said with less.
I dreamt about him last night. I constantly try to imagine situations where I could see him again. Maybe I’d go visit Jake in New York and they would be living together, maybe he’d message me and tell me he wanted to see me again, maybe at a reunion party thrown by our mutual friends.... something, some way. My dreams for weeks... at least twice a week, bring me to this faux reality where only my feelings are real. They give me him back, sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a glimpse. Last night it was long enough for a kiss. In the last two dreams I’ve woken up because within the dream I think to myself, finally after all this time my dreams are actually reality, and then for a split second I question it, and I wake up. The realization is the worst feeling. Disappointment on a tragic scale.
I don’t know.
I read a long time ago on a blog (link at the bottom) that you never really fall out of love with someone. The love that you create with a person stays within you until you change as a person. It doesn’t have to be monumental change, but until you are no longer the person you were when you fell in love with someone, you will not be able to get over them. Looking back on my past relationships this really resonates within my experience. I have changed so much since Matt, Brian and Jeremy. Even since Aaron. This fact seems most true when I think of how I’ve changed since Aaron. It’s not a big change, it was only months ago, I haven’t exactly had revolutionary break throughs. Nevertheless, a part of me, one that was with me all through my relationship with Luke, has faded away. The part of me that put up with his abuse and guilt. The part of me that needed to be adored by the person I’m with, and the part of my that didn’t have the self control to let that go.
For all the reasons I was right for Luke and him for me, I don’t think I’ve changed. If anything, the qualities that brought us together have only grown within me. I can’t get passed him as the person that I am right now. The worst part is, I really like the person I am right now.
link to blog, its amazing: http://www.sleeptrip.com/belongings/sizz1.html
Today's title brought to you by: Heart's a Mess - Goyte
It’s a lot to try and wrap my head around... I haven’t been able to emotionally react to it yet. It’s so much to take in; moving out of my house of three years, saying goodbye to some people who I cared about and not knowing when I’ll see them again, knowing that I’m leaving the student life behind... at least for a few years. It’s a big change. A lot to let go of.
All of my serious relationships have started and ended in these past few university years. With the exception of having started dating Matt at the end of highschool. That feels close enough though, and our relationship certainly was a big part of my undergrad experience. Don’t get me wrong, there would be a lot more to my university motion picture than just the leading men. My girls are always the stars off the show and parting with them has been hard, but the thing is, I know they’re not gone. I know I won’t stop seeing them, there is no letting go of those relationships, just a shift; a change. It’s getting used to not being able to go down the hall or to our basement and talk to one of my best friends. It’s not easy and I am sad, but the relationships that make being down the hall from someone so awesome aren’t going anywhere. With Matt, Jeremy, Brian, Aaron and Luke, leaving university means really severing those ties. This has been on my mind a lot.
Of course when you break up with someone there is a severing of a tie. You are ending that relationship, and depending on the circumstances, maybe you’re ending it with no questions of re-opening it. The thing about dating guys I went to school with is that there is always a certain ‘potentiality’ for something more to happen. It’s never wholly over. I suppose you could argue that as long as two people are still alive they could find some way to come back together, but the fact is, our university was a small place and I did run into all of them (excluding Brian who dropped out and got married...) after our relationships had ended. Though after second year there was never a question of anything ever re-igniting between myself and Jeremy, he was still around, and in some peripheral way, still in my life. It didn’t have to mean that I was talking to him or that we’d see each other much, but there was the potential. Now there isn’t.
Besides the direct change of potentiality, there’s also the letting go of all the memories. All the places that meant something to me; to that part of my life. As I’ve said, with my friends though it’s hard to see those places go, I also know there will be so many more places that will mean the same for us. With Matt and Aaron and Luke (because those are the ones I’m really struggling with), it’s accepting that these people who know me in a way that no one else does and hold pieces of me that no one else can are really gone from my life. I have to put those memories and feelings behind me and start building a new path.
Letting go of Luke has been consuming. I think about it constantly, and I don’t know how to accept it. A few weeks ago I was happy because I had this certainty of our clandestine relationship; someday we would, we had to, be together again. Now, facing the reality of him and I no longer sharing a common space, that our mutual friends have gone their own ways, I am all out of excuses to see him.
I guess before I left, I hoped to see him again, but I wasn’t actively pursing it. On 4.2o I was celebrating the holiday with a bunch of my closest friends from the past few years. Because of the big group, Luke was there. We have too many overlapping friends for him not to have been there that day. For the most part we sat in separate circles from each other and didn’t talk. Near the end of the day he came over and hung out with us, talked to Kaitlyn, and A, who had come to visit, but he pretty well avoided any direct conversation with me. I found it kind of strange that his girlfriend hadn’t made an appearance and thought that things were slightly weirder than usual, but put my hopeful thoughts aside. Later that night after Luke was long gone, I heard from Ness who’s friend happens to be acquaintances with Luke’s
I think my subconscious acted on its own and found a way to let me see him again. Since I didn’t get much of a chance to see Jake before my last day in our town I text him and asked if he could make time for us to hang out again before I left. Jake’s been Luke’s best friend since first year. When Luke and I began getting close and while I was practically living with Aaron in the house he shared with Jeremy, Luke, Jake and another of their friends, Jake and I got close. Luke and I went with Jake’s, on-and-off, awful, succubus, girlfriend, Margo, to Maine state to visit Jake in his home town. One of the best vacations of my life, Luke told me he loved me there. Anyhow, the four of us plus Kaitlyn ended up hanging out last night for a couple hours. Just like the last time I was there, things were as ever with Luke and I. The friendly tension. The easy ability to talk to each other. As comfortably uncomfortable as possible. The knowledge that we were both not seeing anyone, I think made it much more meaningful...at least for me. When Kaitlyn got restless and it was time to go, Luke offered us a ride home. Sitting in the front seat of his car with him like I had so many times before, and yet completely unlike all those times. My heart was bleeding through the seams.
When I got out of his car at my house, I looked at him in his eyes and said, “If I don’t see you, take care.” I don’t know if he could possibly read everything that I meant by that. All the unsaid feelings I was trying to convey. My sadness at this maybe being our last goodbye. My whole hearted wish that he take care; that he was happy; that he did well and got what he wanted... That’s a lot to ask someone to gather from a look. But more has been said with less.
I dreamt about him last night. I constantly try to imagine situations where I could see him again. Maybe I’d go visit Jake in New York and they would be living together, maybe he’d message me and tell me he wanted to see me again, maybe at a reunion party thrown by our mutual friends.... something, some way. My dreams for weeks... at least twice a week, bring me to this faux reality where only my feelings are real. They give me him back, sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a glimpse. Last night it was long enough for a kiss. In the last two dreams I’ve woken up because within the dream I think to myself, finally after all this time my dreams are actually reality, and then for a split second I question it, and I wake up. The realization is the worst feeling. Disappointment on a tragic scale.
I don’t know.
I read a long time ago on a blog (link at the bottom) that you never really fall out of love with someone. The love that you create with a person stays within you until you change as a person. It doesn’t have to be monumental change, but until you are no longer the person you were when you fell in love with someone, you will not be able to get over them. Looking back on my past relationships this really resonates within my experience. I have changed so much since Matt, Brian and Jeremy. Even since Aaron. This fact seems most true when I think of how I’ve changed since Aaron. It’s not a big change, it was only months ago, I haven’t exactly had revolutionary break throughs. Nevertheless, a part of me, one that was with me all through my relationship with Luke, has faded away. The part of me that put up with his abuse and guilt. The part of me that needed to be adored by the person I’m with, and the part of my that didn’t have the self control to let that go.
For all the reasons I was right for Luke and him for me, I don’t think I’ve changed. If anything, the qualities that brought us together have only grown within me. I can’t get passed him as the person that I am right now. The worst part is, I really like the person I am right now.
link to blog, its amazing: http://www.sleeptrip.com/belongings/sizz1.html
Today's title brought to you by: Heart's a Mess - Goyte
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
If I remember right, you were dead wrong. We should start again, from where we left off
On March 10th I went to spend time with my good friend Jake, who happens to be Luke's roommate. I ended up going to Jake's house because... he invited me and I decided I was ready. A (my best friend) bitched me out. Really harshly, told me I was a fuckin' idiot. Whatever. I felt like at this point I've done everything I could to get over Luke except actually spend time with him. I thought maybe I had been idealizing him and our relationship as a whole and maybe that if I saw him I could get past it all.
This is my journal entry from when I got home that night.
Tonight I went to hang out with Jake at his house and Luke was there. I was a little hesitant at first, but I really wanted to not make tonight another pathetic sob story.
It was so fun.
We hung out like we used to in second year. Luke and I still work off each other so well. We make the same jokes and observations. It felt like the period of time when we were both interested in each other but we knew we weren't supposed to be.
The way he looked at me was the same way i know I was looking at him. Not, ohmygawdIamsoinlove, just this kind of, interest and respect... admiration kind of. The connection is just the same as ever, we've both changed, but we're both so the same.
I don't know if he'll admit it to himself because obviously we have no where to go, no way to act on this, but god.
I fucking love him.
It's been one year and three months and when I looked him in the eyes, when we laughed at each others' jokes, when we flowed just as easily as ever, I know all that time wasn't stupid.
This is not my crazy never ending, pathetic heartbreak. This isn't me idealizing, this isn't me desperate and lonely.
This is me in love with someone i know it wasn't supposed to be over with.
He is right for me, he is. I don't know if I'm right for him yet, but he makes me want to be. Seeing Luke for one hour was the single most positively motivating experience I could have.
After all this you might think that I would be depressed, I mean, the guy's in a serious relationship with someone else, we do not have opportunities or reasons to see each other... sounds pretty bleak.
But I'm not sad. I feel better than i've felt in a while; so reassured. I guess it's like I've spent all this time wondering, doubting, second guessing. Now I know, I'm just so sure that there's a future for us. We have to come back to each other. This is not what over feels like.
I don't feel I can tell anyone this because it sounds friggen delusional and like I'm just setting myself up for another heartbreak. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm being naiive, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like this is the first sign of my sanity I've had for so long.
I can't get over Luke because I'm not supposed to.
Well kids there ya go.
Almost a month later, now I feel slightly different. I'm weeks away from graduating, and once I do, the chances I will have to see Luke again will dwindle very significantly. In light of this impending reality I have been trying to accept that while I may need a relationship like the one I had with Luke, it may end up not, in fact, being with Luke. I know this probably seems like it should have been obvious to me a long time ago. Honestly, it was. After seeing him, the lines got blurred again. I really do miss him and think about him all the time. I still honestly think that if we did come back together somehow he would be the one I marry. But no, I don't think there's a huge probability of this happening and I'm not trying to build my expectations of a future with him up to be disappointed. I don't really know what to say. I'm trying to move forward and not think about it all, but the truth of it at the end of the day remains that he is who I imagine running into when I get ready in the morning, and who I dream of being with at night.
Today's title brought to you by: The One - Zeds Dead ft. Omar Linx
This is my journal entry from when I got home that night.
Tonight I went to hang out with Jake at his house and Luke was there. I was a little hesitant at first, but I really wanted to not make tonight another pathetic sob story.
It was so fun.
We hung out like we used to in second year. Luke and I still work off each other so well. We make the same jokes and observations. It felt like the period of time when we were both interested in each other but we knew we weren't supposed to be.
The way he looked at me was the same way i know I was looking at him. Not, ohmygawdIamsoinlove, just this kind of, interest and respect... admiration kind of. The connection is just the same as ever, we've both changed, but we're both so the same.
I don't know if he'll admit it to himself because obviously we have no where to go, no way to act on this, but god.
I fucking love him.
It's been one year and three months and when I looked him in the eyes, when we laughed at each others' jokes, when we flowed just as easily as ever, I know all that time wasn't stupid.
This is not my crazy never ending, pathetic heartbreak. This isn't me idealizing, this isn't me desperate and lonely.
This is me in love with someone i know it wasn't supposed to be over with.
He is right for me, he is. I don't know if I'm right for him yet, but he makes me want to be. Seeing Luke for one hour was the single most positively motivating experience I could have.
After all this you might think that I would be depressed, I mean, the guy's in a serious relationship with someone else, we do not have opportunities or reasons to see each other... sounds pretty bleak.
But I'm not sad. I feel better than i've felt in a while; so reassured. I guess it's like I've spent all this time wondering, doubting, second guessing. Now I know, I'm just so sure that there's a future for us. We have to come back to each other. This is not what over feels like.
I don't feel I can tell anyone this because it sounds friggen delusional and like I'm just setting myself up for another heartbreak. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm being naiive, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like this is the first sign of my sanity I've had for so long.
I can't get over Luke because I'm not supposed to.
Well kids there ya go.
Almost a month later, now I feel slightly different. I'm weeks away from graduating, and once I do, the chances I will have to see Luke again will dwindle very significantly. In light of this impending reality I have been trying to accept that while I may need a relationship like the one I had with Luke, it may end up not, in fact, being with Luke. I know this probably seems like it should have been obvious to me a long time ago. Honestly, it was. After seeing him, the lines got blurred again. I really do miss him and think about him all the time. I still honestly think that if we did come back together somehow he would be the one I marry. But no, I don't think there's a huge probability of this happening and I'm not trying to build my expectations of a future with him up to be disappointed. I don't really know what to say. I'm trying to move forward and not think about it all, but the truth of it at the end of the day remains that he is who I imagine running into when I get ready in the morning, and who I dream of being with at night.
Today's title brought to you by: The One - Zeds Dead ft. Omar Linx
Sunday, 29 January 2012
they got me thinkin' I ain't human, like I came from above, above, above, above, feelin' like a bird sittin' high
Well folks I was completely wrong about the leave date of my knight in shining armor. He's been Australia for about a week now. Whoops... so anyway that solved that dilemma for better or worse.
So I guess I've kinda been wheelin and dealin lately and added a few more notches to my belt. I'm not feeling too good about it tonight. It's not that I'm wishing to find love or a relationship, because I know that isn't what I want. However after last night, these random encounters are starting to make me feel like a piece of poop.
While my friends Kaitlyn and Alex and I were at a ski resort with my family over the Christmas break past we met a guy. We all met on the first night and every night after that ended up seeing him at the bar and going to some sort of after party with him. On the last night I decided that he was actually pretty awesome and I made out with him on the d.floor. Later at the after party things got a little crazy and pretty much it was me, Kaitlyn and three naked guys in a sauna. Just to make it clear, Kaitlyn and I were not part of the sweaty-naked club. Anyway we're passin' around a little joint and one of the guys asks me if I've ever shared a hit with anyone (first person inhales, both people put mouths together and first person exhales while second person inhales), I say yea, of course, so we do one of those. Then I demand that Kaitlyn and our friend Brent do the same. So they make out a little bit too. Now this was the last night and the ski resort is about three hours from where Kaitlyn and I go to school, so it was pretty much good bye to Brent.
Not so. A couple weeks ago he texts us saying he's going to come down and visit us for a night. That night was last night. Everything started well, we hung out, Kaitlyn got ready and I entertained Brent. Now I don't know about everyone else, but I think my room says a lot about me. This may very well be because my walls are splattered with my personality. Pictures, drawings, band posters, quotes, maps, cards, souvenirs, you name it, it's on a wall in my room. So for this reason when I have people into my room I always find it interesting to see if they react to it all. Brent totally did. He commented on my Dylan poster and my pictures and somehow managed to tell my identical dogs apart just from me telling him their names. Two points for Brent.
The night goes on, a bunch of our friends (all girls) get together with the three of us for pitchers and wings at a bar downtown. Like good Canadians we watched an NHL skills competition on any of the twenty tvs in there and drank good ol' Alexander Keiths. Around 11 we decide to move upstairs to the club.
11pm on a Saturday isn't quite busy time for our town, the bars don't really fill up until around midnight. There we were, the seven of us in the bar drinking away waiting for the dancefloor to fill up. In the meantime Brent makes it his personal duty to ensure that dancing is started immediately, so he's out there ragin' hard for the team, trying to get people pumped. Now he looked like an idiot, but he was sweet and I loved the way he didn't give a fuck what people thought. So we're all drinking and dancing and having a good time, and then I start to feel kinda queezy and decide that I just feel like going and chilling at home. Brent decides he wants to come with me.
We get back to the place and chill for about 5 minutes before things start happening. We hooked up for a whillllllleeee and he is rough in bed. I have major bruises. Was really good but just a little much. So after our awesome sex we go downstairs to smoke some and chill out. As we are chillin there he starts going on about how he feels like talking to people and socializing and I'm kinda just sitting there thinking.... gee thanks. But then he drops the real bombshell. He says to me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really into Kaitlyn. She's just such a chillin cool girl, and she reminds me of my ex."
Cool. Thanks bro.
Ever feel completely and utterly used? Sucks ass. I've spent all day wallowing in confusion and self-pity. I can't decide if I deserved this or not. I mean obviously no one deserves that, but I feel like, well I think the people around me feel like, I brought this on myself. Shouldn't go sleepin around and makin yourself so available. I guess.
I mean I get what they're saying, you hook up with someone you don't know that well, unexpected events may occur. That being said though, would you ever go home with somebody if you were interested in their friend? Like... I don't know I'm not looking for a boyfriend here, it would just be nice if the guys I have sex with were actually interested in me. I don't know anymore. I am a very sexually open person, I like sex, I like flirting, I like meeting people. Does that make me easy? Maybe. I don't know, but should it matter? I'm honest with myself about my actions and I'm comfortable with it. Not like a year ago when I was doing it because I needed attention and craved intimacy. This I do because it's fun and I enjoy it. I've just had some serious bad luck lately. It seems like that's not what guys want anymore. I feel crazy because apparently I'm searching for the un-findable. All I want is someone who I am attracted to, have good chemistry with, and can hang out with. I don't want to date, I don't want to commit, but I don't want to keep being that slutty chick who bangs anyone she thinks is cool. I keep looking for these little connections. Just some semblance of sex and personality. I was joking with my friend recently about how hard it is to find someone with interests and ideas, and though we were laughing, we were also completely serious and it is really effing depressing.
Too much Jersey Shore turning peoples' brains to mush. Like should it really be a challenge to find somebody who doesn't have a twitter account? That's always a minus two points. I duno. My rambling thoughts have not helped me sort this one out today.
Today's title brought to you by: Man on the Moon - Kid CuDi
So I guess I've kinda been wheelin and dealin lately and added a few more notches to my belt. I'm not feeling too good about it tonight. It's not that I'm wishing to find love or a relationship, because I know that isn't what I want. However after last night, these random encounters are starting to make me feel like a piece of poop.
While my friends Kaitlyn and Alex and I were at a ski resort with my family over the Christmas break past we met a guy. We all met on the first night and every night after that ended up seeing him at the bar and going to some sort of after party with him. On the last night I decided that he was actually pretty awesome and I made out with him on the d.floor. Later at the after party things got a little crazy and pretty much it was me, Kaitlyn and three naked guys in a sauna. Just to make it clear, Kaitlyn and I were not part of the sweaty-naked club. Anyway we're passin' around a little joint and one of the guys asks me if I've ever shared a hit with anyone (first person inhales, both people put mouths together and first person exhales while second person inhales), I say yea, of course, so we do one of those. Then I demand that Kaitlyn and our friend Brent do the same. So they make out a little bit too. Now this was the last night and the ski resort is about three hours from where Kaitlyn and I go to school, so it was pretty much good bye to Brent.
Not so. A couple weeks ago he texts us saying he's going to come down and visit us for a night. That night was last night. Everything started well, we hung out, Kaitlyn got ready and I entertained Brent. Now I don't know about everyone else, but I think my room says a lot about me. This may very well be because my walls are splattered with my personality. Pictures, drawings, band posters, quotes, maps, cards, souvenirs, you name it, it's on a wall in my room. So for this reason when I have people into my room I always find it interesting to see if they react to it all. Brent totally did. He commented on my Dylan poster and my pictures and somehow managed to tell my identical dogs apart just from me telling him their names. Two points for Brent.
The night goes on, a bunch of our friends (all girls) get together with the three of us for pitchers and wings at a bar downtown. Like good Canadians we watched an NHL skills competition on any of the twenty tvs in there and drank good ol' Alexander Keiths. Around 11 we decide to move upstairs to the club.
11pm on a Saturday isn't quite busy time for our town, the bars don't really fill up until around midnight. There we were, the seven of us in the bar drinking away waiting for the dancefloor to fill up. In the meantime Brent makes it his personal duty to ensure that dancing is started immediately, so he's out there ragin' hard for the team, trying to get people pumped. Now he looked like an idiot, but he was sweet and I loved the way he didn't give a fuck what people thought. So we're all drinking and dancing and having a good time, and then I start to feel kinda queezy and decide that I just feel like going and chilling at home. Brent decides he wants to come with me.
We get back to the place and chill for about 5 minutes before things start happening. We hooked up for a whillllllleeee and he is rough in bed. I have major bruises. Was really good but just a little much. So after our awesome sex we go downstairs to smoke some and chill out. As we are chillin there he starts going on about how he feels like talking to people and socializing and I'm kinda just sitting there thinking.... gee thanks. But then he drops the real bombshell. He says to me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really into Kaitlyn. She's just such a chillin cool girl, and she reminds me of my ex."
Cool. Thanks bro.
Ever feel completely and utterly used? Sucks ass. I've spent all day wallowing in confusion and self-pity. I can't decide if I deserved this or not. I mean obviously no one deserves that, but I feel like, well I think the people around me feel like, I brought this on myself. Shouldn't go sleepin around and makin yourself so available. I guess.
I mean I get what they're saying, you hook up with someone you don't know that well, unexpected events may occur. That being said though, would you ever go home with somebody if you were interested in their friend? Like... I don't know I'm not looking for a boyfriend here, it would just be nice if the guys I have sex with were actually interested in me. I don't know anymore. I am a very sexually open person, I like sex, I like flirting, I like meeting people. Does that make me easy? Maybe. I don't know, but should it matter? I'm honest with myself about my actions and I'm comfortable with it. Not like a year ago when I was doing it because I needed attention and craved intimacy. This I do because it's fun and I enjoy it. I've just had some serious bad luck lately. It seems like that's not what guys want anymore. I feel crazy because apparently I'm searching for the un-findable. All I want is someone who I am attracted to, have good chemistry with, and can hang out with. I don't want to date, I don't want to commit, but I don't want to keep being that slutty chick who bangs anyone she thinks is cool. I keep looking for these little connections. Just some semblance of sex and personality. I was joking with my friend recently about how hard it is to find someone with interests and ideas, and though we were laughing, we were also completely serious and it is really effing depressing.
Too much Jersey Shore turning peoples' brains to mush. Like should it really be a challenge to find somebody who doesn't have a twitter account? That's always a minus two points. I duno. My rambling thoughts have not helped me sort this one out today.
Today's title brought to you by: Man on the Moon - Kid CuDi
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
you've got me in a spin, and what a spin I'm in, 'cause I don't know enough about you
Alright well if I actually had any readers this would be a time to ask for advice. However, I’m quite sure it’s just me and the endless internet, but whatever gotta do it.
Last week I met a boy. When he came into the party I turned to my friend and immediately asked her to introduced me. Like the good wing girl she is, Kaitlyn intro-ed us and sneakily walked away. First of all, he’s gorgeous. Taller than me by a couple inches (being 5’’11, this is a major plus), gorgeous face, kinda golden blonde and peachy tan. This was my immediate motivation for chatting with him, however within the first 10 minutes it was way more than that. He is a rock climbing, snow boarding, well-read, humanitarian who whooped my ass when we started to chat politics. I am smitten. He’s been to Africa on a volunteer trip as an student aide worker and has already been accepted to medical school. In other words, he’s effing perfect.
Okay but of course he isn’t actually perfect. Life never goes like that really. The one thing that all my friends were quick to jump on: he has a glass eye. Yea a weird one, I’ve never met anyone with one before. When we met it was dark and I seriously could not tell, so I’m not sure how it looks or if it wanders.. or what not, but considering all his other shining traits, I could honestly care less. So to the real downside:
I really can pick em. While we were talking I realized how much he reminded me of Luke, except better for his interest in politics and humanitarian issues. Him being like Luke to me was a good thing, because, shit, I’m still not over Luke. Clearly I loved a big part of him, and it would be good to find that in someone else. But this is too much, someone just like Luke who is also leaving for Australia in around a year after we meet. FML so so so much.
As you might imagine I’m in dilemma mode. While at the party, we talked for an hour and made out (great kisser toooooooo). I am a dumbass, though, and didn’t get his number. So the next day I searched him out on facebook and sent him a message telling him I really enjoyed talking to him and would he like to do it again sometime. It took him three agonizing days to reply, but when he did it happened to be on Christmas which made it a very merry Christmas for me. As I’m sure you can guess by my cheer, he said that he’d love to get together sometime, so a few days later I replied saying great and told him when I’d be around. At very least, we can get coffee, at most, married.
Hah, I’m joking...
Mostly. So there you have it. Possibly another chance to get my heart eaten up by Australia and spend another agonizing year trying to recover. But god I don’t think I can let someone as amazing as him just walk out of my life without knowing what could be...
Stupid heart
Today's title brought to you by: Don't Know Enough About You - Diana Krall
Last week I met a boy. When he came into the party I turned to my friend and immediately asked her to introduced me. Like the good wing girl she is, Kaitlyn intro-ed us and sneakily walked away. First of all, he’s gorgeous. Taller than me by a couple inches (being 5’’11, this is a major plus), gorgeous face, kinda golden blonde and peachy tan. This was my immediate motivation for chatting with him, however within the first 10 minutes it was way more than that. He is a rock climbing, snow boarding, well-read, humanitarian who whooped my ass when we started to chat politics. I am smitten. He’s been to Africa on a volunteer trip as an student aide worker and has already been accepted to medical school. In other words, he’s effing perfect.
Okay but of course he isn’t actually perfect. Life never goes like that really. The one thing that all my friends were quick to jump on: he has a glass eye. Yea a weird one, I’ve never met anyone with one before. When we met it was dark and I seriously could not tell, so I’m not sure how it looks or if it wanders.. or what not, but considering all his other shining traits, I could honestly care less. So to the real downside:
He’s leaving to go to Australia for med school.
I really can pick em. While we were talking I realized how much he reminded me of Luke, except better for his interest in politics and humanitarian issues. Him being like Luke to me was a good thing, because, shit, I’m still not over Luke. Clearly I loved a big part of him, and it would be good to find that in someone else. But this is too much, someone just like Luke who is also leaving for Australia in around a year after we meet. FML so so so much.
As you might imagine I’m in dilemma mode. While at the party, we talked for an hour and made out (great kisser toooooooo). I am a dumbass, though, and didn’t get his number. So the next day I searched him out on facebook and sent him a message telling him I really enjoyed talking to him and would he like to do it again sometime. It took him three agonizing days to reply, but when he did it happened to be on Christmas which made it a very merry Christmas for me. As I’m sure you can guess by my cheer, he said that he’d love to get together sometime, so a few days later I replied saying great and told him when I’d be around. At very least, we can get coffee, at most, married.
Hah, I’m joking...
Mostly. So there you have it. Possibly another chance to get my heart eaten up by Australia and spend another agonizing year trying to recover. But god I don’t think I can let someone as amazing as him just walk out of my life without knowing what could be...
Stupid heart
Today's title brought to you by: Don't Know Enough About You - Diana Krall
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