Been talkin' 'bout the way things change

It’s officially been 2 weeks since I last saw Aaron. After what happened on Wednesday we had several long fights online. I’ve posted some of one here.


dont i deserve a little more than that? some sort of explanation, some sort of reason why over the course of something i did not do, somehow I still get messed up 
you being able to say that your friends are getting"punished" as I am.


    aaron youre going to reason around all of my arguments till it makes sense in the way you need it to ive explained to you how i feel several times and no matter how i say it you dont believe me or think im twisting things so im very tired of trying to find the right way to tell you that we are no longer a functional pair, dating or just friends

over the internet though.. you cant give me more than that

?

i have and no im not going to anymore. i know that might not be fair but ive made up my mind. us talking in person will do nothing for this situation

        
why are you being so God damn heartless? I dont want you back  . I couldnt. You're something else now. but I still want you to have the morality to be able to prove your point some how you cant just go around saying and thinking outlandish things without someone questioning what you mean and where's your proof

        
yes aaron and you have questioned me time and time again so dont worry my 'outlandish' statements are being checked


    just remember that it wasnt "working" because you would never take responsibility... it wasnt any different than us dating because you made it that way. the night when the boys came over you really wanted to come over, i never dragged you to. and you didnt, everything was good. we were friends and for once, we didnt spend the entire weekend together and things were looking better. butttt then you some how forget all these things about how maybe I was trying to be just a "friend" or whatever to make it easier. But, you didnt want to see any of that or change any part of your life.


sure, i hope that knowing i fucked up our whole relationship makes you feel better

    
Noo no, I never said that. Im saying that you'll look at what i did and give me whatever value of me fucking up.. but then you'll look at anything you did and not account for any of it. and you have no one to actually show you that maybe you and I wasnt so bad IF you actually made some real changes to your life and didnt break your own rules


        
what you dont seem to understand is that im not attacking what you have or havent done im telling you that everything we both have or havent done have culminated in this and yea a lot of it was my fault


    What about me makes me so expendable when "life is good" finally. I was there for you to make your life good but get no recognition for any sort of benefit I may have been to you. And then when your life is good and something bad comes about, im looked at as the first and only reason as to why it is bad. Think if we never talked and never had this summer, would you be as happy and confident and comfortable with yourself as you are with me?


but its like i said before, i think its reasonable to say that maybe i cant handle both a relationship and a functional fourth year of university yes, aaron you were amazing support this summer, but any changes i made were within myself, as you have been first row to see with or without you i had to deal with getting over luke on my own time and likewise with the other problems i had


    but why am i the first thing to get axed? not any of your friends? Not a friend who punched someone you're supposedly cared for. Why am I the one getting fucked over then?

because my friends do not create the drama and disfunction in my life that our relationship does.



But thats just it, you think of me as only some sort of support. Like wearing a brace until your leg heals up i can just be tossed to the side. i dont agree... ever since we "stopped dating" i would say that the drama that kaitlyn caused on thursday night is 23809537589q7325897 more than I have done seriously? that wasnt drama to you? that was completely justifiable and beneficial to your friendship well, it must be because now you two will be stronger than ever and I, the one who did NOTHING wrong that night gets left with nothing



christ stop being such a victim aaron. what happened on thursday actually very much affected my relationship with kaitlyn believe it or not (im guessing you wont) and you didnt cause the drama on thursday and it wasnt your fault and i dont hold you responsible


I was a great support for you in the summer. I havent heard just a cold-hearted line from you, ever i think. I really thought I, and we were more than just emotional support for one another. If that's what you wanted you should have just stayed at home and cried to your dogs or bought a blanket. I offered so much more than that and made you feel better than you've ever felt.


    how many times did i cry to you this summer? once? twice? you were support but it was always more than that. i didnt need your support, i wanted your love and company, thats why we were together. dont go acting like this never meant anything to me. thats fucking ridiculous and deep down you know it



i wanted your love and company. fuck off that sounds more and more like a dog. it must not mean that much because you consistently try to justify that you've wanted it to work any way it could but it just hasnt. LIE. if you wanted it to work you would have actually made a conscious effort to change anything. or come to me and straight up talk to me about it before letting something get to you until you cant handle it anymore
how am i supposed to ever believe that you loved me anywhere near as much as I as when I fought for this relationship on things that should break us up, and you wouldnt fight for anything after the smallest disagreements or you use those small disagreements as some sort of jump off point to '"upocoming fights". I really wished you had the respect for me to actually say this in person. Do you just drop me whenever you want because you know just how right we are for each other so you just bank us getting back together when things are right? Apparently 10 years from now....
So what now? Glare at you if I see you downtown?

whatever you want aaron. 
i dont have any thoughts of a future for us any more.

when did that come to you?



when i realized that we are very ill suited for each other in too many ways to create a solid long term relationship


    see, how ill-suited are we? sure, maybe in university but you wait, how many people will you find that you get along with as much as me?

        
i dont know but its not worth all the bad aaron, im sorry. and dont think that this doesnt hurt me too, because i know how special we are, but our bad times are worse than any bad ive had with anyone who ive been in a serious relationship with and i dont just mean dating, i mean friends too


you said that you dont think its worth all the bad? whats all this bad? if we take out school stress and everything related to being in uni, whats left?



its the little arguments, the snide remarks, the tone you take with me sometimes, the way we argue, how defensive i am and aggressive you are. we dont work well enough together to make this a successful relationship

why am i the fuckin anti-christ right now? no credit given, only owed it seems



RIDICULOUS. im not telling you that everything is your fault. you need to stop thinking that when i say, our relationship is dysfunctional, it translates to, you ruined anything we ever had and you are evil.
 what are you hoping to get out of this? im not going to agree with you and youre not going to see where im coming from and in the end we're still not going to be together



No no, Im just not following any logic of yours. i need you to break it down for me. More bad than good? HAHAHA laughable.


    great as long as youre laughing. i need to go now. there is nothing left for me to say to you


As you can see our fights are pretty venomous. There was one more message that he sent me after I deleted him off facebook. He asked to talk in person for closure, I told him only if he had some very concise things to say to me, not ask, because I didnt want to have to keep trying to explain things to him anymore. he never sent a message back and that was the last time we talked. I’m sad because he was important to me and as with every break up there are always times where I wish I could see him or lay in bed with him or tell him a funny story that happened to me, but such is life. I’ve been trying to focus on school and get back to the gym. That’s been working out for me pretty well. For all and any of you that are students I’m sure that you understand when I say group projects are the worst thing ever. My friend sent me a funny picture about them that I will share with you.

  ...Heheh

Went out last night and met maybe the cutest boy ever. Adam the dj. sexysexysexy. He’s all soft spoken and funny. My fav. When I met him I was told that he was hooking up with one of Kaitlyn’s friends so I tried to keep my distance, but later in the night was informed that they are no longer a thing. Unfortunately Adam had left by then, so I will have to wait until next time.

This week I ran into Luke at the library. It was the strangest thing, I had this feeling that he was walking behind me and I turned to look and it wasn’t him. I couldn’t help feeling like I was going to see him though, and next thing I know we’re standing face to face staring at each other. He didn’t have the balls to say anything to me and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve thought about it quite a bit since and have decided that if and when I see him again I just want to be the bigger person and tell him we’re cool. I hate the awkwardness, it lingers negatively longer than just sucking it up and smiling would have.   Anyways, that’s all for now folks.



Today's title brought to you by: Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart (lovelovelove this band! just discovered them)

And he's talkin like he's holdin' a gun in his hand, but there ain't nobody there, it's just him wavin his hands

If I didn’t have a blog I should have a reality tv show.
Last night was the single most fucked up night of my life.

Started innocently enough with a sushi dinner on campus and some reading. Every Wednesday my roommate, Kaitlyn, goes out for staff night. She works at the most popular chain of bars in our University town’s small core. This time I decided it would be fun to tag along. So we hurried home to change and get our stuff together, and went by Aaron’s to have a couple drinks and hang out with him and his roommates. Our night down town was fun. More so than I expected actually. Met some cool people, played some pool, got nice and drunk. Once the night came to an end we decided it would be fun to go by Aaron’s to hit a couple pre-bed bowls.

I honestly don’t know how it started or what it was about. All I know is Aaron and I were yelling at each other, and he said something that made me want to leave.
In the past during break ups and fights when this situation arises Aaron will take something of mine and keep it so that I'm forced to stay (purse, shoes, etc.). Last night he sat on my jacket and refused to give it back. Considering it was a cold, rainy, November night, this was a serious obstacle to my getting home.
Kaitlyn stepped in for me and grabbed the sleeve of my jacket, attempting to pull it away from him. She asked him politely a couple times, “Aaron, give her the jacket, please.”
“Aaron, this is not a joke, give her the jacket!”
“YOU CAN’T TAKE PEOPLE’S PRIVATE PROPERTY, GIVE THE JACKET BACK!!”
And the next thing I know she’s lunging at him, hitting him, punching him in the face. He blocked but never actually tried to fight back. I was in between them try-try-trying to get Kaitlyn to get the fuck out of there and stop. She would have none of it, I got a nice knock to the face myself for getting between them. Still she wouldn’t listen to me.
When she stopped punching, she was screaming at us, telling us how fucked up we both were and that we need to get help and that we’re just fucking ridiculous. I kept trying to calm her down, get her to leave, but she vehemently refused.
Eventually I realized that this wasn’t even my fight anymore, so I left. Jacketless. I waited outside in the cold, disoriented and in shock. I kept expecting Kaitlyn to come out, but she didn’t.
I went back in to try to get her. I waited outside the door for a while, listening to them screaming at each other, Kaitlyn telling him how much he’s hurt me and that he doesn’t understand how much I care about him and what I’ve gone through to keep us together. Aaron’s yelling back about a completely unrelated fight we've had a million times. They go back and forth at each other, not actually conversing, just yelling all the things they wanted the other to hear.
Finally I stepped in, and by that time Kaitlyn had realized what she’d done. She left the apartment to give us a minute.
I didn’t and still don’t know what to say to him. I told him what she did was completely out of line, but he never should have provoked her. He pleaded with me to stay and talk things out, but I was drunk and couldn’t keep track of anything we were talking about for more than a few seconds. I asked him to please give me my jacket back. He refused.
Eventually I said to him, either give me my jacket and I can leave here warm, or don’t and I still leave anyways. He gave it back and I left.

Kaitlyn was hysterically crying, calling anyone she could to try to make sense of what she did.
I’m sure as you’re reading this you’re probably wondering why I have such a nutball for a friend. She’s not crazy. She has had many problems with men and most of them ultimately stem from the fact that her dad was never in her life. He was a semi-famous singer in the 80s and she has about 6 different half-sisters scattered across North America. Kaitlyn also has the body of a plus size model. This is a good thing, but she has struggled with self-image her whole life, and has never had a boy really treat her right, so this plus the daddy issues, alcohol and my crazy “ex” boyfriend = nutball.
I have fierce friends. Kaitlyn is not the first to lose it on Aaron. Two years ago when things were starting up with Luke and all was going to shit with Aaron, one of my best friends, Blaire, ran into him on the sixth floor of our library. Our library is laid out in such a way that the 6th floor over looks the 5th, it’s all open, so if someone drops a pencil on the 6th floor, everyone on the 5th floor knows. I wasn’t there for this particular show down, but apparently Blaire completely lost her shit and screamed at him in front of their 5th and 6th floor library audience. Before storming off she dramatically threw a coffee at him, which spilled all over his exam notes. Yeap.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful to know that my friends love me that much and have my back through anything, but it has been known to end up with me being more screwed than ever.

So what do I do now? I have nooo clue. I sent Aaron a message apologizing. He sent one back saying, ‘now what?’ and I told him I have no idea.
I don’t see how we can move forward from here. If I ever see his roommates again it will be way too soon, and honestly, I don’t think we can recover from this even as friends. I don’t know how it will ultimately end or what he wants to happen, but I know that it can’t ever be the same.


Today's title brought to you by: Jimmie's Song - Emmanuel and the Fear

You said, "Ain't this just like the present to be showin' up like this?" As moon waned to crescent, we started to kiss

I have now officially broken up with Aaron. Even made out with another boy this past weekend. But last night I slept at Aaron’s. And the night before... ah whatthefuck.

It started over salad dressing, if they still keep that spray bottle stuff stocked in the grocery store or if that trend died. I said they didn’t, he thought they did. We jokingly referenced our economics course to offer an explanation for our theories. Then my phone buzzed, he tossed it at me, I checked it. Fight on. It climaxed with a break up, and concluded with a make up.
After that I don’t think I really stayed in it. I was picking fights, couldn’t let go of annoyances. He felt it and reflected it likewise. We were both just grasping at threads and heart strings as we pulled away from each other. My friends told me to leaveleaveleave him. My head told me to leaveleaveleave him. Even the annoying and ever present pull of my heart started to dull. Eventually an argument struck and I ran with it. This time, it’s over. This time, for real.
We didn’t see each other for four days. Seems like the magic number apparently... then we had a talk. He expressed to me why he felt I had let our relationship die. Why it was my fault for not trying harder and that I was completely disregarding our love. I put up walls when people approach me like this. I sat coldly for two hours vaguely debating, but mostly just listening, to him try to find closure in his own words. It never came. I started getting frustrated and he knew I was going to leave, so I told him to get to the point. What did he want from me? Why were we having the same argument we’ve had 100 times?

I want us to be friends.

Friends, he says. Well I know how friends goes. Friends turns to fuck buddies, and fuck buddies aren’t really fuck buddies when they’re in love with each other. They’re two people fucking who are in denial that they can’t just be buddies. I did this game with Matt in highschool, exs can’t be friends right away, if ever.
I know this. But damn is it hard to do. All I want is to be Aaron’s friend, be in his life, have him in mine. But to hear about the fun weekend he had and know that he was meeting girls and doing the exact same thing I was, well that kinda sucks. I don’t know where I thought we were going after spending two nights with him while we were bat-shit crazy for each other. I guess I just needed to see it play out. Why can’t we (just me?) ever learn from mistakes? My heart takes over my body, makes my fingers type, ‘i just really want to see you’, when they should be still. Makes my voice order a cab at 3am when I should be quietly asleep. Makes my brain vehemently deny what I know to be true.

This is what lead me to be in Aaron’s room at 4pm today. This is what allowed me to offer my phone to Aaron so he could call his mom in response to a worrying message she sent him. This is how I was there when Aaron found out his mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore, but I know I have, and want, to be there for him through this. So I guess not a lot has changed, but it’s all different now.



Today's title brought to you by: Blood Bank - Bon Iver