I have now officially broken up with Aaron. Even made out with another boy this past weekend. But last night I slept at Aaron’s. And the night before... ah whatthefuck.
It started over salad dressing, if they still keep that spray bottle stuff stocked in the grocery store or if that trend died. I said they didn’t, he thought they did. We jokingly referenced our economics course to offer an explanation for our theories. Then my phone buzzed, he tossed it at me, I checked it. Fight on. It climaxed with a break up, and concluded with a make up.
After that I don’t think I really stayed in it. I was picking fights, couldn’t let go of annoyances. He felt it and reflected it likewise. We were both just grasping at threads and heart strings as we pulled away from each other. My friends told me to leaveleaveleave him. My head told me to leaveleaveleave him. Even the annoying and ever present pull of my heart started to dull. Eventually an argument struck and I ran with it. This time, it’s over. This time, for real.
We didn’t see each other for four days. Seems like the magic number apparently... then we had a talk. He expressed to me why he felt I had let our relationship die. Why it was my fault for not trying harder and that I was completely disregarding our love. I put up walls when people approach me like this. I sat coldly for two hours vaguely debating, but mostly just listening, to him try to find closure in his own words. It never came. I started getting frustrated and he knew I was going to leave, so I told him to get to the point. What did he want from me? Why were we having the same argument we’ve had 100 times?
I want us to be friends.
Friends, he says. Well I know how friends goes. Friends turns to fuck buddies, and fuck buddies aren’t really fuck buddies when they’re in love with each other. They’re two people fucking who are in denial that they can’t just be buddies. I did this game with Matt in highschool, exs can’t be friends right away, if ever.
I know this. But damn is it hard to do. All I want is to be Aaron’s friend, be in his life, have him in mine. But to hear about the fun weekend he had and know that he was meeting girls and doing the exact same thing I was, well that kinda sucks. I don’t know where I thought we were going after spending two nights with him while we were bat-shit crazy for each other. I guess I just needed to see it play out. Why can’t we (just me?) ever learn from mistakes? My heart takes over my body, makes my fingers type, ‘i just really want to see you’, when they should be still. Makes my voice order a cab at 3am when I should be quietly asleep. Makes my brain vehemently deny what I know to be true.
This is what lead me to be in Aaron’s room at 4pm today. This is what allowed me to offer my phone to Aaron so he could call his mom in response to a worrying message she sent him. This is how I was there when Aaron found out his mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore, but I know I have, and want, to be there for him through this. So I guess not a lot has changed, but it’s all different now.
Today's title brought to you by: Blood Bank - Bon Iver
No comments:
Post a Comment