Part 2
Man oh man. It's so hard to write about this stuff after it's all happened and the feelings are so different already... Well here goes.
About a month ago..bit less.. I had plans to go to a bar with Mila and two of her friends from school, as it happened, Luke was also supposed to be going out with one of his friends, who I knew fairly well. We decided we'd meet up and go to a bar as a group. The first half of the night was SO fun! I loved Mila's friends and we all got happy drunk together while more and more people joined our little shindig. Luke and his friend Christina joined right before we headed down to the bar. Once down there, the group pretty much split up and Luke and I were left with Mila and her boyfriend Denny. The four of us chilled and drank and had a great time, but typical of Mila and Denny, they got in a spat about something or other and walked off. This left me drunk, and alone with Luke. I could sosososososoooo tell that he had the hots for me and had been flirting with me, so I decided I had to know. While walking to find the group I stopped suddenly, grabbed him by the shoulders, and demanded to know what was going on with us. He stuttered and hummed and hawed and asked if we could talk about it when he was sober. The way he went about it, I could tell he was trying very hard not to just go for it.
About 5 minutes later, I went for it.
I couldn't help it.
My memory of those moments are probably some of the clearest drunken memories I've ever managed. This is due to the fact that I forced myself to observe every little facet of my existence right then, because, after a year and a half, I finally had him again. We made out for about two seconds before Luke decided we had to leave. He decided to cab back to his house so we could be more 'alone'. The whole cab ride I had my legs over his lap, was kissing his face, holding his arm, so fucking-ridiculously happy was I. When we got back to his neighborhood we couldn't hook up in his house as his parents were home and the door beeps and, blah blah blah, so we literally found a dark place and a tree to lean against and did the dirty right there out in public.
While walking around trying to find said dark place, we had quite an interesting conversation, THANK GOD, he barely remembers. The highlights were me:
- apologizing for the whole Aaron shpeil
- apologizing for being a drama queen after he left
- demanding him to tell me that he missed me while he was away
and him:
- telling me he didn't want to date anyone before he left for New York in the fall
Yeaaaaahhhh... After that last bit I managed to stop groping him and the smile from my face diminished substantially. What happened that night was probably one of the most emotionally confusing events of my life. After our outdoor romp we really were not satisfied and were quite desperate to find a more comfortable place to fuck. It ended up in my reluctant agreement that I would stay at his house in his sister's room, but I would have to sneak out, by myself, at around 9am the next day.
Ugh. If you're thinking it sounds like I let myself get used, you are probably right. But how could I turn down this chance after so fucking long of dreaming about it? In my defense, while I was hesitating, Luke asked what I was worried about and I responded, "I don't want to be your dirty little secret"... Well as you can probably imagine, the next morning sucked ballzsack. I treated myself to a McDonalds breakfast after stealthily escaping Luke's house.
We hung out and did our usual smoke-n'-walk soon after that and got to talking about what had happened. I didn't admit to having feelings but I did make it clear that he should set out the conditions for whatever the fuck else we were doing next. We agreed to continue hooking up, just as friends, and that would be that.
One day we hung out all day together and hooked up at his dad's empty house. We ended up laying on his bed naked and talking for hours. We talked about relationships, ours, Jake and Margo's, Mila and Denny's, mine and Aaron's, and his and his most recent ex-girlfriend's. It was a really good conversation, and I think by the end of it he was looking at me a bit more deeply than usual... so fucking hard to tell with him. I kissed him out of the blue at one point... I don't think he appreciated it, but I was still trying to get used to controlling myself with him. Still am FYI, just don't slip up as much.
I wrote this at some time around then:
He's like a defibrillator,
it's electric and it burns,
and it brings you back to life.
Today's title brought to you by: G-Eazy - A Thing for Me
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