March 06 2011
I think the hardest part about getting your heart broken is trying to decide what was real. When I think about Luke and I it just seems so confusing. Why and how could he seem to love me so much, but then just forget about me? How am I supposed to believe that he meant any of it. I read his letter again and he makes it sound like he wants to talk to me all the time and when he gets back we're all but a sure thing. Then he leaves and it's like none of it ever happened. It's like I woke up from a dream. I hate it. Nothing we had means what it used to; what I thought it would. Puts past relationships in perspective. I understand now why they asked if I really loved them. Of course with Jeremy and Brian the answer is that I didn't. But with Matt... He does know I did, now, I'm sure of it. He questioned it at the time though. And I used to get so offended, so hurt that he could question everything we had. But how could he not have? I can't stop. All I want to do is ask Luke, do you think of me? Do you miss me, truly? Does your heart ache sometimes, and don't you just wish you could feel my skin against yours? Just sometimes, don't you?
But all these questions echo around my head unanswered.
I've been told I'm not dealing with it very well. But I have no idea how to and no one else has a clue how I feel.
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In this post I refer to a letter Luke wrote me. We both wrote each other parting letters. This is most of his.
_______, (aka. Pretty gorgeous lady)
The last year has been quite the adventure to say the least, all in a good way of course. I know we have talked about this but I’m very glad you and I got talking after last new year’s, as my life would be very different without you.... (insert random memories here) This brings me to missing you… I don’t even know where to begin or how to write this… those nine days when you were in Costa Rica were tough, even when I was busy every single day…. I don’t know what to imagine multiplying that by 22 to 23 times (yes I calculated that out…). We will undoubtedly stay very close, and in very constant contact… do not want that to change! No matter what happens, where I end up, who I meet, what I see, etc. I want you in my life in some fashion… this is not even close to the end. If you ever have any questions, want any advice, or simply want to talk to someone about something please don’t be shy, literally anything, regardless of how you and me end up after everything unfolds over the next 8 months. (Although once I’m back in Canada I think it may be rather hard for me to stay away from you after that long of a time gone haha so be ready!) We are both sitting here together right now, having had a great last 5 days or so together…. And I really don’t know what to type… there is lots I’m thinking about and you know I have always had a tough time when it comes to words and spitting them out. Basically to sum it all up in very basic terms… I’m going to REALLY REALLY miss you! Life is going to be very different without you… and I don’t want to get used to it that way so we better be Skyping!
I LOVE YOU!
The boy who loves you,
Luke
Today's title brought to you by: Sideways - Citizen Cope
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