just called to say, hello. I couldnt sleep at all tonight and I know it's late, but I couldn't wait.

There is a black hole firmly lodged between my ribs. It's sucking every and all positive feelings into a dark oblivion. All that's left are anger, guilt, sadness, pity, disgust....the slime and gunk of emotion that stick to my insides like sap.

Luke is back. On day 1 he had nothing to do, so he went out for dinner with my two best friends/room mates. He's been back for a week now. I haven't heard from him since May.
My friends, formerly beside me, cheering me on as I hammered a nail into a board imagining Luke's face on it, are now telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with him, that he loved me all along, cares about me still, I need to see it from his point of view. He never meant to hurt me, he just didn't know what to do, thought it would be easier for me if he just cut off all contact.
Thanks guys! That really makes me feel 100% better.
NOT
If he cares about me, then why is it that I've had to find out that we are now habitating within the same country together for the first time in 8 months from people other than him? If he ever loved me why did he kick me to the curb and leave me in his dust? He may have cared about me, yes I know he did. I also believe that he still wants the best for me. Does that mean he's spent even five minutes considering how I feel now, or how his actions affect me? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I definitely lost this break up. For anyone who's been through a rough one with friends on either side, I'm sure you know what I mean. It's not that I feel I've lost my friends...yet. I feel like its all cracking and crumbling though. Luke's a charmer. One of the genuinely nicest people you'll ever meet, which pretty much puts a halo over his head. All of the shit I went through, the tears, the awful, horrible breakdowns are now in the past. It seems, in my friends eyes, I should just recover and accept him as a subsidiary part of my life.

But of course I do not want to. So what do I do? Nobody really knows or has any advice to give. Only my mother has stepped up as the key to wisdom. I am to be the bigger person and talk to him before I drive myself crazy. I don't think he deserves it from me. I don't think he deserves shit. But I don't deserve this hell either, and I'm never going to escape if I don't get to deal with him. So let's just say I do decide to deal with him. How the fuck do you start a conversation that's been 8 months in the making?

Of course the simplicity that only a mom can offer you, "start with hello."



Today's title brought to you by: Hello Again - Neil Diamond