So I sent the message. It said, "hello", just as my mother suggested. We have had a few back and forths. Very civil. Very fake. But that's not why I'm writing tonight.
I saw about a quarter of the movie, "Hallpass", and found myself so...ugh. They detail two sexless, listless, and boring marriages. Disgusted and ashamed of their husbands' sexual impulses the two wives decide to let their spouse, "free from marriage" for one week. I never saw the end of the movie, but I expect that it ended up with the Owen Wilson couple realizing their real love for each other and... lalala unicorns and rainbows.
To me this movie displays such a problem with the way people view love. It normalizes sexless marriages and dull-drum feelings for the person you've committed your life to. We've all heard of the seven year itch, but call me naiive, I hope for more for myself. Every relationship that I've sustained has been heated and passionate. Fueled by mutual interests and a necessary level of comfort with each other; these are the things that make for true love. I'm not saying these are the only things, or that I think you have to constantly be about to rip each others' clothes off for the feelings to be real, but some level of attraction is essential. Anyways following this line of pondering I started thinking back to a rant I had written two years ago. It was when I was still dating Matt, but thinking about the boy I had been having a firey affair with all year.
February ?, 2009
From the day she is born every little girl watches disney movies and dreams of her prince charming and the great adventures that life has in store for her. The world has a fascination with love, so much so that it is within nearly every book and every movie you will ever see. Think for a minute. Although there are many stories in which love is not the focus, romance is almost always buried in there somewhere. Movies and books tell us that love is all you need. With love you can conquer evil witches, and live forever. This is the love that sparks the two lovers to get married after only having met once, this is the love that creates happily ever afters, and lasts forever. But is this love real, or is it just the stuff of fairy tales?
Psychologists and sociologists, and therapists have all boiled love down to chemicals and physiological reactions to certain stimulants. They have told us that there is infatuation, romantic/passionate love, and then real true love. Passionate love, they say, is what Disney teaches us. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, the heat rushing to your cheeks, and the complete lack of care for anything else in your life. When two people experience passionate love in real life, they forget about work, friends, family; everything, and their universe circles around the other. Some people may never find passionate love, some people find it again and again. What the scientists will tell you is that this kind of love is temporary. It will last as long as the pet goldfish you and your sweetums bought for your two month anniversary. Eventually you stop seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, and realize all the things you don’t like about your partner. Soul mates? Psh! Don’t exist. Finding true love is about hard work and trust. You have to build up to it. 1When you can find a compromise to every problem with that person, only then are you in real love, love that can last forever.
If that is real love, count me out. I’ll keep hopping from one passionate relationship to the next. I want my prince, I want a white stallion, and I want to ride off into the sunset. I want to find the one person who suits me so well that every other man suddenly becomes as platonic to me as a brother. I want to find something that isn’t about hard work. I know that people say, anything worth having is worth working for, or something like that, but isn’t love supposed to be the exception? Shouldn’t cupid just shoot me down and that’s it? Off to the chapel with you, have lots of babies and grow old together. But no. Science says no, the divorce rates say no, and even my parents say no. I look at them and can tell that maybe at some point they acted like the heros in the fairy tales, but now, society has jaded them. They’re scientifically in love. They do love each other, they don’t fight, and they will probably never get a divorce. But where is the passion? Where’s the romance? I never see that.
I’ve been reading a "self-help" book lately, “The Languages of Love”. It’s a great book, really valid advice, and I can see how it would be immensely helpful for a marriage in trouble. It teaches you how to communicate with your partner and make them feel loved. I do think that it’s important and that even in the most passionate of relationships, this book has some really relevant points. However, do I ever want to have to read a book to figure out how to like being with the person I’m with? No! I don’t want to ‘stay together for the kids’ I want to be madly, head over heels, smitten with my husband from the day we meet till the day we die. Is that as unrealistic as it sounds? I honestly don’t know. I’ve seen so many beautiful, passionate relationships crash and burn after a couple years or less. I don’t know if that’s the fate for everyone or not. I don’t want it to be.
I believe my problem right now stems from the fact that I want something to be perfect. I’m not interested in a mediocre relationship that has lies and flaws and incomplete feelings. I know my boyfriend is head over heels for me, but at the same time I know he still harbors feelings for another girl. I know that they have a flirtatious relationship and that he probably still thinks about her. I also know that he will never leave me. If this relationship lasted another three years straight, I would still be the one to break it off. I honestly want nothing more than to feel the same way, to be as dedicated and completely in love as he is. But, I’m not. I still have strong feelings for my ex. Who I talk to way more than my boyfriend. My personal life, however, is not the point. What I’m getting at is my constant need for Disney love. As soon as I lose it with one person, I start looking for it with another.
Today's title brought to you by: Forever - Ben Harper
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