It’s been a while. I’ve been crazy busy with excessive drinking and relaxing on my break from school :) been nice. Before the break there was something I had been meaning to write about, so I shall get to it.
In the last couple weeks at school I ran into Luke a few times and every time I did it felt like no time had past since he left and broke my heart. The (now almost exactly) year that had passed by and everything and everyone that had been a part of my heart since then, were erased. Just seeing his face; his eyes, it threw my stomach out the window and made all the blood rush from my head. Pretty much thought I’d faint, puke, and break out into tears all at once. And this happens every time I see him.
This got me to thinking. Does heartbreak really ever get any easier? I mean, a year, and another love later I’m still a bleeding mess over Luke. Why can’t time just take all the feelings away? Why can’t I feel like a strong person when I see him or think about him? I mean 95% of the time I’m good. Actually since breaking up with Aaron and truly being single, lately I’ve been great. But still, when if comes to Luke I just can’t escape the heartbreak.
Since seeing him those few times, I’ve put some thought into this and I’ve decided that heartbreak never does go away. I look at the people I knew and the people I know, and though most of my friends have never have suffered love lost, the ones I do know that have, are most certainly not over it. They still get the aching sometimes. Across the board, however, it is made easier by distance from the person they miss. I suppose I am unlucky (or just stupid) for having Luke go to a relatively small school with me, not to mention that we have a very nice venn diagram of friends going, so I see him from time to time. I think time to time is just enough to make it impossible to really have him out of my head.
So if you are never cured of heartbreak, then what? I think the only thing is time space and someone else. Like they say, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. In the case of love this isn’t completely accurate, but what I’m getting at is not healing yourself through a quick, random fuck (tried it, does NOT help), but an actual successful relationship. I think it’s important to italicize successful, because my extremely problematic and unsuccessful relationship with Aaron was not the answer to forgetting Luke. However, as I have not as yet had a successful relationship post-Luke I can’t really be sure of this theory.
One thing I hear a lot of people talk about after a break up is ‘closure’. It might literally be one of my least favorite words in the english language. Closure. Fucking stupid is what it is. The idea of closure gives people this false sense that if just one more thing could happen between themselves and the person who dumped them, then they would feel better. No. No, no, no, no, fucking no. Closure is a load of shit invented to give people hope and make them feel better. Very misleading. In all my loves, my breakups, my friends’ loves and breakups, and my own personal heartbreak I have only learned one thing that I am capital S, Sure of. That thing is that closure does not exist. I have been asked for closure by Aaron, and by Matt, and when we talk and they try to find it, there’s nothing. The conversation spirals in circles, and nothing is accomplished. At the end of it, we’re still not together, and someone is still more hurt than the other.
I went searching for closure with Luke. I didn’t really know I was doing it when I did it, but hell yea i was. I sent him a letter on Valentines day of last year telling him that he broke my heart and asking why I deserved that, bitching him out for not loving me like he promised he would. I got back a shit one paragraph response that only made me feel worse. Likewise a month ago when I saw him at a party and decided I needed to ask one more time, for my sanity, why did he break up with me. Again I got nothing and it made me feel worse.
If heartbreak never really goes away then closure isn’t really real. There is nothing you can find that will make that break, that cut, that scab, that scar, on your heart disappear. It will fade with time and new loves and growth, but it will always be there, it is a part of you. That is what I have learned, if nothing else, from my year of heartbreak.
Today's title brought to you by: One of Those Days - Joshua Radin
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